Malathi And Her Mother-in-law - A Real Life Story!

varalotti · Feb 8, 2006

Violence is inherent in most of us!

Vidya,
I saw your detailed response. I am very happy about the admission of one more member to the happy mil-dils club.
I was not at all surprised by the other mil's statement. 'I don't want to hurt you, my dil. But since my daughter is being hurt by my mil, I am getting it out on you.'
After a careful study of many human beings I am convinced that human beings are inherently predisposed to violence unless they take efforts pretty early, by right education, prayer and right association to nip it at the bud.
Unfortunately we have developed our intellect much more than our emotions. So after committing shameless acts of cruelty the mil had the tongue to say that I hurt you because my daughter is hurt. That's a very cheap rationalisation. That's all.
In South Tamilnadu there's a practice to avoid ill-treatment by MILs. They will marry off their daughter into the same family where their dil came from. That is my sister will be married to my wife's brother.
This way, they say, there is a natural check and balance. If you don't behave well with my daughter, your daughter had it, was the subtle message. Well this worked to some extent. But the problem was there would be an endless comparison between the couples. And every fight and misunderstanding will be blown out of proportion.
Now the practice is slowly dying.
Another practice is to marry within close relationships. That way the mil problem will not arise. But that's also a misconception because, a woman when she is a mother is an angel, when she is an aunt, is a loving woman but when she becomes a mil, barring some golden exceptions, is a devil. There are degrees of devilishness, that's all.
It's a sad state of affairs.
Vidya, please enlighten me about this gender consulting? What's your trade, who are your clients etc.
regards,
sridhar

varalotti · Feb 8, 2006

Small Things are there everywhere, AGR

AGR,
I thought of replying to serious posts first and that explains the delay in responding to yours.
Now, welcome to the happy mils-dils club. Very relieved to learn that you don't have problems with your in-laws.
Small things are always there AGR. Even in my home though my wife and my mother appear to move very closely, there's an undercurrent of competition and rivalry. My wife also gets things done through me.
You have made a golden statement, AGR, that a mil can never be a mother. That's 2000% true. That's why when the lady is pregnant, even if the mil is an angel or a goddess, the dil is packed off to her mother's place.
regards,
sridhar

Sharada · Feb 9, 2006

on this topic

Just when everyone thought that the discussion is over I'm mailing an article of mine which was published way back in 2001! Pankaja told me that she considers it a masterpiece - it wasn't on my computer, so I had to ferret out a cutting and key it in - that's why the delay! Malathis' m-i-l was basically a good person, but Sheetal's certainly isn't! Read on...

No Second Chance

Greed was the dominating trait in her personality. All the time she wanted more – more money, more saris, more gold. It seemed as if her hands wanted every object her eyes focused upon. Of all her children she liked the one who was earning in dollars the most for he could fuel her acquisitive nature. When he came home on long leave he was all ears to her complaints and suffering. She told him how she was ill-treated, how no one listened to her and how she had to scrounge and save for her every need! The sob story would touch a chord and “twang” the dollars would spill forth. Magnanimously, the son would say, “Amma take this and buy whatever you want.” The gleam would return to her eyes as she thought of the lovely “pattu” sari Margatham had shown her.

So when Kubera got married, her status changed to that of mother-in-law and insecurity crept in. She imagined that the young bride would trap her son and the goodies would stop pouring in. At the wedding reception it rained cats and dogs. Some folks said that it was auspicious as the rain gods were blessing the couple. Little did the new bride know that the rain was symbolic of the tears she was going to shed as she stepped into her new home. The ground had been prepared even before she entered. Kubera’s mother was certain that henceforth everything would go to his wife. So, she made lots of jewellery for herself with the gold biscuits her son had bought from <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comffice:smarttags" /><st1:City w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">Dubai</st1lace></st1:City>. He (of course!) had trusted his mother to make ornaments for his bride!

The bride entered her new home, happy and confident. But, the mother-in-law watched her with a hawk’s eye, putting even Lalita Pawar to shame. For Sheetal, the new “bahu” the mother-in-law in the movies had always seemed a caricature. But what she had seen on screen was just the tip of the iceberg.

Sheetal was warm and naïve. She had been in a boarding school from the age of six and making friends came easily to her. This was the first time she found it difficult to understand another person. Her mother-in-law first spelt out all the rules of the house. Poor Sheetal was certain that even in boarding school discipline hadn’t been enforced like this. Seeing that Sheetal was unperturbed by her barbs and taunts, the older woman began to rave and rant for trivial reasons. Once she even screamed because there was no “karipatta” in the house! She also didn’t like the newly-weds to go out and enjoy themselves. Of course when she, the mother-in-law went out it was for something that just couldn’t be put off! – like a morning show! Sheetal tried complaining, but she got no support. She was only asked to “adjust.”

She dreaded waking up in the morning because she didn’t know what lay in store. Sometimes, she would be woken up to shrill shrieks (courtesy, ma-in-law), “It’s Tuesday and the flowers for the puja haven’t been bought.” Choice abuses would follow and Sheetal often wondered about the purpose of the puja! Moreover, ma-in-law wanted to celebrate every festival! And on these occasions her hysteria would mount because she was “doing so much and no one bothered to help.”

In case you thought the older woman was very industrious, you are way off the mark. She, in fact, loved to tom-tom her every deed. If she made rice she didn’t just say, “I made rice.” She began with how she washed the cooker, bought a new gasket because the daughter-in-law had misplaced the old one, cleaned the rice and washed it. Then the gas had got over, so the cylinder had to be changed…the saga went on and on, so everyone thought she was very hardworking and kept a spotless house. She’d take a brush and sit in the backyard, scrubbing precisely one square foot of the earth. Then she’d tell anyone who cared to listen how she had broken her back scrubbing the moss-filled area that her daughter-in-law hadn’t even bothered about.

Then she’d play up to one person, flatter him/her constantly and run down another. This created a lot of friction in the extended family. Suddenly, cousins wouldn’t speak to each other, sisters-in-laws would become bitter enemies and husband and wife would start squabbling. And ma-in-law would watch from the sidelines, secretly pleased but feigning innocence.

Sheetal was bewildered, but didn’t know what to do. Once she had a bad throat and her husband took her to the doctor. As soon as they stepped into the house the older woman began yelling, “You could have taken me to the doctor too. I’ve been feeling feverish all day long and you think only of her.” Sheetal was extremely upset, but didn’t react. The older woman wouldn’t stop, jealousy was chewing up her insides. She got so angry that she ran up to the terrace, doused herself with kerosene and then began abusing Sheetal because there was no matchbox in sight!

Sheetal was constantly compared to other women in the family and always fell short. What frightened Sheetal the most was the screaming. By afternoon, the young girl’s head would feel so heavy it would droop. Sheetal’s friends and relatives were not welcome in the house – they were met with icy stares and obvious snubs, and if they called the receiver would be banged down. But with saccharine sweetness she’d tell her son, “I don’t know why none of them come to see Sheetal, I haven’t said anything!”

Years passed, Sheetal became immune to the vitriol.

Circumstances changed when some members of the extended family decided to move out and set up home independently. Sheetal no longer lives with her domineering ma-in-law. Sheetal is now her own person and wakes up with a smile. Sometimes, the bile of bitterness overwhelms her and she wonders why lived under a dictator for 14 long years. The best years of her life are over. This is not a story, it is about you, me and our everyday lives. I wonder what goes on in the mind of Sheetal’s mother-in-law. I feel sorry for her unhappy isolation, the terrible behaviour that tries to hide the vacuum in her. She doesn’t realize that it is not what we get, but what we give that counts. There is no second chance in relationships. However, Sheetal thinks of the future and knows that she will welcome her son’s wife with open arms and a loving heart.

SHARADA PRAHLADRAO, <st1lace w:st="on">Deccan</st1lace> Herald, February 3<SUP>rd</SUP> 2001

AGR · Feb 9, 2006

Re:Strange Maths

Hi

Have heard this somewhere and sensed how true it is.....

"Love is strange maths..........the more you divide it, the more it gets multiplied......."

As far as the MIL-DIL relations are concerned my understanding goes like this-

1) The MIL loses her importance (as per her understanding) because the attention now shifts to DIL

2) The attachment with her son……….

3) Trying to enjoy everything which she has missed out......... through her son ………

4) Expectations & Ego.........

if we are able to understand & overcome all these things…………u all know the answer…………

SVS · Feb 9, 2006

Another Original story!!

Hello Everyone,
I am a new member to the group. Even though I go through many sites, but somehow, I felt like becoming a member only to this.I have been reading the discussion abt Malathi and her life story and this made me to become a member so that I can pour out my thoughts/feelings also. All through the discussion, everyone talks and shares abt Mil and dil...Have you ever heard a similar story with a Fil and Dil?? Please read mine.I am married for 6 years now and live in States. My in-laws live in India but visit us almost every year.They stay for 4 months and thats enough to remember for one full year or until their next visit.My mil is a quite lady and she doesn't have any opinion abt anything.She Eats, sleeps,watches Tv.thats all is her world.But my fil,who wants to take up my mil's role,watches me all the time.The beauty is, He talks very nicely and gets information in a normal way and then one day, he will twist every word that we spoke to him and create a big scene. Even though I have millions of incidents to quote but then I have to create a seperate website for that...Let me just quote one incident which really made me understand his true nature.Every woman on earth has wonderful dreams abt her marriage and the first pregnancy. I was also a normal human being and waited for that wonderful thing to happen in me. Even though I did not get a good welcome and happiness when we declared the news, atleast some good words and advice would have helped. Rather,I was cursed and abused for no reasons and I was crying from day one to the end of my pregnancy. I was not happy even for a single day.their only daughter who was married for 12 years has no chidlren until now and may be that was the reason they were jealous abe me. I had severe nausea and vomitted even water. I was maintaining very poor health. They need not cook delicious food for me but some advice like drink lots of water etc would have helped.Even with my poor health,I cooked from breakfast to dinner, snacks almost everyday,Prepared coffee 100 times a day...My fil has a habit of shouting for every single thing. The height was when one day after I finished all my work at home and was abt to take some rest, my fil who was watching me all the time, asked me to sit in a chair besides him and started his big lecture of how to behave.He insulted my father saying "He cannot spend even Rs.10 to send a greeting card to his son-in-law and daughter for their birthdays..how cheap is he?..He is a fraud and wants to take away all my son's money using you. I know now your parents will come for your delivery and you three are a big gang and you will cheat my son and give away all the property to your side people.....I know you are talking abt me to my son behind that closed door every night..." My mil quitely walked in for a few minutes and went off to her room to sleep. This showed that this lecture was pre-planned...His torturing words went for 2 hours and once he was content, asked me to leave the room..I was literally shocked...I was pregnant after 4 years and I have millions of things to share with my husband and the only time we can talk privately is that few minutes in our room...After that, I got really scared to talk even in my room with my husband as my fil shdn't assume I am talking abt him...The funny part is, that same day We received greeting cards from my parents..Now can my fil take back his ausbing words? He kept on and on and even though my eyes were filled with tears,i just went off after he said, its done, now you can go.I am a PG in an university, but he insults and teases me,"HA..what do u know?" kind of statement for everything i say or do. I went off silently and was crying and crying until today even though it is 3 years after that incident. On god's promise,I never gave back one single word in return as first I wasn't prepared and secondly I was literally shocked to hear all this. I come from a very dignified, well-to-do family only. My parents do their best to happy this man.But all we get is insults. I poured out everything when my husband returned from work. He was more shocked than me as he is seeing a different person in his own parents. I begged him not to question them. Because he will question that night, then I am the one who has to stay with them for 12 hours during the day and God only knows what would be the consequences for all this? I am a very sensitive person and always behave carefully that none of my words or actions hurt anyone even for joke..so these blastings were all new to me. they left after a month. But those cursing, absuing words remained so fresh that I kept thinking abt it all the time and I was crying all through my pregnancy. I never had one good meal happily. Now, I can see that consequence of not maintaining a good health during pregnancy.My only kid is 2 years old and has developed a poor appetite and was not eating at all.Now we have inserted a tube that runs through her nose to the stomach and we pump formula every few hours. She basically lives and depends upon this tube. When I see other kids of her age eating,sleeping talking...my kid is very far behind those normal goals. Now he is spreading the news abt the tube as if we are unnecessarily doing this to our daughter..he says that its so easy for me to feed my daughter..Every few hours, I can just make her sit and pump in the milk and the kid gets all nutrients through that and I need not run behind her like all mothers do and its a happy thing to me...How can I tell others that everyday she will vomit and that other end of the tube thats in her stomach comes through her mouth and its terrible to see a tube from nose and mouth and the amount of pain that we go through to insert it back in her and the unexpressable pain that my girl goes through is unexplainable. My daughter is on tube since one year now and I had to ask my parents to come here to help me on this. This made my fil even more ferocious and he kept on telling bad things abt my parents to my husband..But situations were that bad that my parents had to come here for help even though my fil did his best that my husband does not allow them to come. Techonlogy has improved so much and people like my fil can really make use of all this nicely to torture their dils. This incident will be another classic example. My fil learnt how to use computers, send emails etc. Even though he knows just the basic, he thinks he is Masters in computer science. Very recently he got some one line mails continously saying some abusing words. He couldn't take that and he went directly to the Police and wanted to know from where those mails were generating..To my unfortunate time, that was found from our computer!!.He imdlty sent a big mail to me saying thats me and dad made those things and now he is going to hand us to the police and get our passport off etc..etc..with all the problems with my daughter and almost everyday running to the emergency room..and suddenly getting a mail from him shocked all of us. He had mentioned that he found out its me, so If I aposlogise to him personally he will leave the matter and he blackmailed me saying I cannot even discuss with my husband as he cannot take all this etc..But Why shd I Hide this?..I imdlty sent his nonsense mail to my husband and also to his sister who too works with computers...My husband and his sister took charge of the situation and made my fil understand that computers gets affected by viruses and these mails are normal etc..But until today my fil didnot want to accept the matter and created a big scene. He keeps on sending mails to my husband and to his daughter abt me and my parents to somehow convince them that we are bad. Is he a psycho or a saddist? I wonder how many years and in how many forms that I and my parents have to go through all this. I think my experience shows, inlaws need not live in one house to create trouble to dils..Even if we are far away, 7 oceans, 7 countries apart..still they have several weapons to establish their power. Now He has plans to visit us and I am really tired of all this. I wonder how can I get out of this or how to face a new problem when he arrives this time? Please Help. give me some suggestions. My mind is so occupied with my sick child that I am unable to take strong decisions on this...

Varloo · Feb 9, 2006

I shall pray for you and your daughter

Dear svs,

Really, you also are suffering so much. I think many of us Indian bahus are destined to suffere like this. And bahus are called the lakshmi of the house. Acrually this affects generations and that is why our children suffer. These people will never understand. I can empathise with you about your child- when my son gets a seizure and is shaking from head to foot and frothing, eyes fixed, my fil will say that I have fed him something which had got pierced in the stomach and that is causing the convulsions. He is a retired div. engineer in State govt. service. I am just glad that I am rid of all my hubby relations as he had some misunderstandings with them. I pray to God that I not meet them in future much. I am just fed up with them all. Why don't you try some other type of treatment fot your child? There are so much alternate medicines nowadays. India, especially Chennai, is a very good place for treatment. Please let me know the correct problem- the name etc of the problems. I shall try to find out if there is any remedy for that here. And I shall pray for you. All the best.
varloo

SVS · Feb 9, 2006

Thank you very much!!

Thanks for your immediate response. I am new to this writing and I hope my sentences made some sense. My parents live in Chennai and I have passed all my child's report to them to show to some Expert doctors. The problem is I cannot stay for months in Chennai as my daughter couldn't take the climate there. We went through a horrible time when I made a visit a year back....I think I have to wait until her full recovery and then make a visit to see that everything is fine. She has been diagonised a problem called, "reflux" which is not allowing her to take anything through her mouth...

Now we are asked to admit her in a hospital for "Intensive feeding program". People say there is lot of success in this. I sincerely pray god that we get into this program as soon as possible and my kid eats , talks, sleeps like any other child .

The problem is they take months to get us in....we have to just waaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiitttttttt!!

Shal · Feb 10, 2006

Prayers for your daughter's recovery

Dear SVS,

You are a strong woman with absolute positivity in life. I do not want to just sympathise with your situation for that will make you weaker. However, I must say I salute you for the perserverance shown by you through this endless ordeal. I am too young to advise you on anything, but I sure can and will definitely pray to God that your little angel gets well at the earliest...poor baby should get to enjoy life's pleasures that children of her age do.

((((((((((((((((((tight hug))))))))))))))))))

to you and your little girl. Hope it makes u feel better for atleast a few seconds

Love-
Shalini

SVS · Feb 10, 2006

Thank you dear Shalini....

I got your loving message here. I will update abt my daughter's health as she shows improvement....Hope happy news comes soon from me abt my angel!!...
thanks to you and Varloo for giving me immediate mental support...
expecting more replies to my mail...

Vidya24 · Feb 10, 2006

chin up,SVS

Dear SVS,

Just remember that the darkest hours are before dawn. I am sure God has a lot of happiness and blessings in store for your lil girl- so once she gets past this initial bad phase, life will be one BIG SMILE for her and all of you, always. It is good she has been diagnosed and treatment is under progress. I will say a prayer for her and by God's Grace, all will be well with all of you.

Love
Vidya