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Makes My Blood Boil !!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Sweety2019, Sep 25, 2019.

  1. Sweety2019

    Sweety2019 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi all..
    Just venting!! Any suggestions are welcome..

    When I was not well my mil come to me and instead of helping me out or making me feel better..she says.. why can't you take care of yourself..because of you not being well my son is so sad and upset..we all are so sad seeing him..he is so tired..

    Seriously..when your son was not well last week I took care of him day and night and one day I'm not well you tell me this!!

    And now I got a cold and he told his mother..just feel like picking up the phone and tell him..please don't bother telling ur parents I'm not well..it doesn't matter..I don't want any fake concerns from her..because she said the above..

    But no I can't tell anything because I'm the DIL..I always have a problem with her is what he thinks..she is the sweetest person as per the world..

    I have never resented any person so much..she indirectly says things and I should be OK..and husband says maybe your interpretation is not right..but I can see all that fakeness..
    I don't expect any help from her even if the going gets tough I don't care i will mange my things..I don't like people keeping their help as a string over me to pin point and play me as a puppet..

    And she one of the most insecure person I have seen..everything is a competition..and I hate that..I make something she praises me alright in front of people but sees to that next time she does double of that..seriously!!

    Ignore ignore was the majority suggestions from people for problems..but sometimes my blood boils so bad I wanna buy a punching bag just to exert all my anger!!
     
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  2. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Dont ignore. Give it back!!!
    Don't be arrogant, don't lose your cool.
    Give it back nicely, in a cool yet firm tone. It works.
    Consistency matters. Because she won't change in a day. Repeat your response mechanism the same way continually till she understands you.
    Don't take these things to your H and confuse him. Be nice with him, and tell only nice things about your MIL if you can.
    Deal with her separately, but also consider that she is your MIL, an elderly insecure woman. You should not hurt her or make her miserable anymore. That's not the intention here.
    Just that, she needs some reality check, and support to process her mind. Help her!!!
    Sometimes people need bitter medicine to cure their health. Perhaps your MIL too!

    In fact, you answered your question:-


    Problem:
    Response:
     
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  3. Sweety2019

    Sweety2019 Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you for your response..
    Don't get me wrong for the below answer but something that is going on in my head when I read this particular part of the response..
    How you can help me see through this..
    Problem here is fear..
    fear of judgement..
    fear of relationship with husband becoming sour..
    Fear of disrespect to my parents that they would give..
    Fear of in laws pointing out wrongly on my character or upbringing..
    Fear of MIL bad mouthing and making me look bad

    Fear..!!! In this patriarchal society fear is what is thought to girls..
     
  4. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    I can clearly get you here.

    Just that, you and any newly married girl in your shoes will be afraid of all the things that you have mentioned above.
    But what comes as reality is quite opposite to that.
    After suppressing all your emotions due to this fear, you will lose
    - Your sanity
    - Your respect for in laws and H
    - Your respect for parents and their support
    - Your respect for your own society
    - Your respect for yourself
    - Your self confidence
    - And the best part of your youth life too

    As a result, either you will continue your life like this forever, and wait to revenge once your child is married. That's how all the MILs became evil in our part of the world.

    OR, you can wait to become a little independent, and wait for your kids to leave the nest, so that you could also leave this horrible place called marriage. At this point, you will have no love or respect left for your spouse.
    At this point either the you have no fear or you don't care.

    Both are not great places to be in. You have only one life. Life it to the fullest, or at least try to live it... and take it as it comes!

    Of course MIL will judge you. She will try to make your relationship with your H sour for a while. She will bad mouth about your character, your parents' etc...
    So, what?
    If we do anything against the wish of other person, this is what we get.
    Everyone in this society knows that. But it doesn't mean everyone wishes the same!

    She will judge you, but with time no one will bother about her judgement.
    She will make your relationship sour, but with time your H will understand and love you back
    She will bad mouth you and your parents, but your loved ones who know who you are will defend you.
    She will become tired of doing all, and will stop one day. Or people will get tired of listening to her all the time, and make a full stop one day.
    Whatsoever. It is not your problem.

    You will face troubles, as it is normal after rebelling against something wrong. But you will find your peace sooner or later.
    If you keep mum fearing all these, I am afraid you will end up being something that you never wanted to be.
     
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  5. Sweety2019

    Sweety2019 Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you so much for the most kind explanation..
     
  6. rachaputi

    rachaputi Platinum IL'ite

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    Wait till she gets ill.. and say "why can't you take care of yourself" Tit for tat and repeat..

    Sometimes you can't make a issue for everything.. That's why people use sarcasm.
     
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  7. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Say the same thing to her next time she’s sick. If she complains to your dh, you can reply the same way your dh did. ‘She misunderstood, I said out of care‘

    Tell your dh strictly to ‘not’ share about your sickness.

    Stop complaining about your mil to your dh, it’s only gona strain your relationship with your dh.

    Try to make a deal with him ‘you don’t tell this to mil n I won’t complain this about mil’ or something like that

    This basically refers to how you can react to the issue..

    So your reactions..

    Yes, ignore

    OR Start to reply smartly to mil directly, just the way she does. Use only positive words that even if someone hears it, it won’t sound bad. Just like how she does it. Learn from the expert n use the same on her.

    OR a punching bag

    Why not ? Buy a punching bag n use it. Maybe it might really help you vent out too. Bonus: add on muscle strength to scare people away!
     
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  8. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Gold IL'ite

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    You know what your MIL is and you still are expecting responses which she is incapable of giving. I am saying, when it comes to your MIL, do not expect anything positive. Instead be prepared for the negative remarks. It hurts you less that way.

    Anger only depletes you. Find ways to detach yourself from her in your mind. You are letting her statements affect you.. learn to play it smart.

    when she says "why can't you take care of yourself", ask her "how?" with a very innocent expression in your face.

    Do you know how not to fall sick? then why didn't you ask her ?

    when she says "my son is sad and upset" say "yes! he loves me so much" with the same innocence.

    when she says "my son is tired" ask if she can help or if someone can help.

    question back her remarks. She should get the message. Why buying a punch bag for this? :grinning:
     
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2019
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  9. Sweety2019

    Sweety2019 Silver IL'ite

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    :angel::lol::lol:
     
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  10. Sweety2019

    Sweety2019 Silver IL'ite

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    @ashneys and @rachaputi... the problem in telling something when she is not well is that from a very young age my parents have made it a habit for me to always help the person who is ill..even if it very small gesture it might be very big moral support for them..
    So my brain never gets wired to be sarcastic at that moment..

    But yes maybe will learn to use your suggestions the next time she comes at me with any rude remarks..
    Thank you so much for the response
     
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2019
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