Major Dowry Drama...should Wedding Be Called Off?

Guys,

I am so disgusted in this "dowry" tradition. Dowry never carried over to SA when my ancestors were brought here, nor did the whole caste story. Thank God for that.

OP : I honestly don't understand this concept of dowry. As an outsider this is my view. Marriage is a commitment between two people to build a life together, to be each others support, to priority in each other's life, to share life's journey with. Love is love, but love isn't the only thing which is needed to make a relationship work. Respect and understanding is needed. Partners need to have similar mindsets.

In your case, i think that your BF and you do not possess similar mindsets. He believes there is nothing wrong with this dowry issue, where you do. He clearly do not respect you if he is not standing up to his parents about this, knowing that you are not happy with this. You are clearly not priority in his life, if he obeys his parents wishes above yours.

Personally, i believe that a relationship is between two people and only two people, no one else, not even family, has the right to make demands or get involved.

Anyway that's my 2 cents.

 

Op,
Since you say your BF's family have considerable wealth , it is understandable he says that his family has to maintain a status. Accordingly, he is getting a well educated girl from an equal or above status family. This however does not mean that kilos of gold and gifts are to be got or rather demanded. Maybe traditional families in your community may be hosting such marriages, but even so, all these demands appear way too much. 400 gms of gold for a SIL! never ever heard of such. Your parents themselves should actually think over this. Finally, we hope you together as a family think of all the pros and cons and decide finally. Wish you well.

 

Hi,
if it is a matter of status what are they gifting you in return? they should gift the DIL too as a part of the tradition. isnt it?

 

Very expensive victory. But as far as I know no G.O passed by Indian government as it's common thing. Ask your bf to choose one dowry or you? You can see true colors. Stand for yourself. Don't buy cheap items for high price

 

His parents insisted that the marriage talks should only proceed through the match maker, hence the match maker started acting as the middle man. My BF's parents told the match maker that they would like my parents to give me almost 1.5kgs of gold, 5 kgs of silver, furniture for the US house, along with 400 grams of gold set for his sister (it is in our tradition that we give the future sister in-law a gift at the time of the wedding), also some property in my name, along with a grand engagement & wedding. My BF's parents insisted that this is not dowry, rather "gifts," but we knew better.

Lets break down:
1)I kind of understand what community you belong to though. Do you have a brother or a single kid? If you have a brother it's very common for even girl to ask for gold from the parents. In your in-laws and BF perspective you are getting your share from your parents.
Grand wedding, its common expectation if your parents are well off
giving 400gms your SIL- its your in-laws pride to tell people about it. Even your parents can negotiate the stuff(to half what they are asking as gifting and also you can also ask for gifts ), you will suffer with this for years of your marriage. So before marrying your BF,you need make peace yourself otherwise you don't enjoy your married life.
If you are getting gold, furniture and all those belongs to you. Its stupid thing ,in-laws demanding you and loosing there respect and also loosing capacity of you respecting them in the long run. Not sure why people do such a stupid things though.
grand wedding - probably your parents might plan even without asking. Probably your parents might be doing some of them even your in-laws asking them, but it's really stupid of people still demanding girl parents for these things and loosing there respect.I think stay calm until your BF comes back and think logically and not emotionally(your in-laws could be dumb but you don't have to be) and see what makes sense to your without hurting yourself for years of marriage and make a right decision.
Both sides can harass each other in name of marriage.

 

My mom has a very different take on this- she says if this is important for the groom's family and the bride's family can afford it, then why not? You are assuring the happiness of your kids. And in some families/castes this IS a sign of 'status' - it is what it is.
She also says - in that case, the girl's family should also be getting equal gifts in return as it is their own status at take. After all your parents don't want to be known as the parents who gave away their daughter to folks not of equal standing.
She did have a twinkle in her eyes when she said this - so don't know if it was in jest or she really meant it.

Either ways - why don't you try asking your BF this? What are you getting in return. Afterall Your family status and reputation is also at stake!

 

wealthy people who have a class too, dont open such a big mouth for gifts in thier boy marriage....infact they give heavy gold jewellery and expensive saarees to DIL to flaunt their wealth....normally wealthy people demands for a good weding party as par their status which make sense as all their guest will attend the party.....but i know many people who borne all the wedding expense because gal's side was not able to throw party as par their status....

 

@GoodVibesOnly
You have already got response from most others. But in one of your post you mentioned that you speak telugu, I am assuming that you are from andhra. I am also from Andhra i have a seen a alot of cases with high dowry demands just for the sake of making money and they can sell their son's for any amount of money and property.

In my own family i have seen my aunt's/uncle demanding really high dowry for their engineer and doctor Son's. Doctors in US, the less you talk the better.

I would suggest keep your ground, don't think about what other think etc. This demand will not stop here it will continue in the name of modati pandaga, motadti diwali, sreemantham, 21st day etc etc along with SIL wedding etc. So think well before proceeding.

In short they think in US we have money growing on tree. Sorry about being to the point, but this is hard reality happening in AP right now.

 

@pocahontas & @coolgal123 & @viki123 : Andhra people give something to the DIL at the time of marriage? I was told that the bride brings everything for herself. The 5 pattu sarees and the jewelery I was given as a favor was approximately the same as the gold given by my family to my husband. And forgot 1 saree for engagement any idea for kakinada side?