Major Dowry Drama...should Wedding Be Called Off?

anika987 · Sep 11, 2016

GoodVibesOnly said: ↑

Hello ladies,

Thank you for reading my post and your advice would be much appreciated.

My wedding is scheduled for February 2017, after finally (after much drama) convincing my BF parents. Initially my BF and I met in a arranged marriage setting, however his parents were not keen on proceeding with the match due his older sister, who is now in her late 30s, still not being married, plus the parents in general (which I found out later to be very greedy and quiet manipulative). However, my BF fell in love with me at first sight & I reciprocated the same feeling as well, hence we swapped numbers and stayed in touch over the past 1 year and gradually feel even more in love. Recently this August, his parents agreed to our marriage, I was overjoyed, nevertheless my happiness was short-lived, as troubles began again.

His parents insisted that the marriage talks should only proceed through the match maker, hence the match maker started acting as the middle man. My BF's parents told the match maker that they would like my parents to give me almost 1.5kgs of gold, 5 kgs of silver, furniture for the US house, along with 400 grams of gold set for his sister (it is in our tradition that we give the future sister in-law a gift at the time of the wedding), also some property in my name, along with a grand engagement & wedding. My BF's parents insisted that this is not dowry, rather "gifts," but we knew better. My BF's parents always showed off that they were people of high morals, hence they would never take dowry, but this was clearly a lie for the general public. My parents are currently in the process of negotiating these dowry demands with them, when I found out and I was surprised and angered at the same time. I grew up in the US since I was 6 years old to a very conservative family; at the same time I know how to stand my ground. After hearing the dowry demands, I called my BF to ask if this was true. My BF is current on a holiday to India to visit his parents, so I called the landline to speak to him regarding this, he didn't warn me that the landline was on speaker, so his mother heard everything & shouted in the background "how dare you speak to us like this & we could have got more from anyone else." I think it's fair to say she was pissed & I was embarrassed that she heard our conversation as it was meant to be between me & my BF only.

I've waited over a year for the match to progress this far, even though I was aware my BF's parents hate me, I love him truly, hence I kept fighting for our love, but at every turn the parents are making it impossible for us to be together.

My question now is my BFs mother is pissed off at me for my forward questioning of their dowry demands (they feel insulted with the word dowry begin used, but would prefer "gifts"), and she may even call off the wedding. Should I keeping fighting for my love or cut my loses and run, as progressing further can be very difficult?

I’m very confused and torn at the moment. Your advice would be very useful. Thank you.
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i understand that you are in love..

if your bf is also crazy about you,he will stand his ground and silence his parents!watz he doing regarding that?

he does not seem supportive..u deserve better!

minn1 · Sep 11, 2016

This is not being in India ,us etc,honestly i have heard this dowry thing more among nri men .if ur bf cant stand up for love no further thoughts end this mrg right now and take a break.what is the point in going with this 'moron'( I am sorry to say ) who beleives his parents agreement is itself such 'big' thing ask her so called future MIL to take her 'commodity' son to some other market and sell.This would be my exact words in ur place. iam not against parent helping us financially (girls or boys side) if hus or wife has some financial cruches or tide over certain financial crisis when they start a life together but demanding from parents is soooooo cheap.if u both cant manage to stay together independently please dont marry !

GoodVibesOnly · Sep 11, 2016

Thank you all once again for the great advice, some of your insights in to the situation have been eye-opening, and it's making me anxious thinking about our future together

Although my BF's mother hasn't told directly, I am of the opinion of the reasons she doesn't like me is because I speak my mind and stand my ground with everyone, she told my BF, as I grew up abroad I lacked the same traditional values as a Indian grown girl. But I don't believe that not to be true, even though I grew up hear in the US, I can speak fluent Telugu (although with a accent ) and Hindi. I grew up in a very conservative family, the culture is embedded very deeply in me and that is why I chose to go for a arranged marriage in the first place.

Regardless I do agree my BFs parents are being unreasonable with their demand and although my parents are willing to shell out for my happiness, I feel very uncomfortable with the thought as it doesn't guarantee a happy marriage with no further demands.

I do have a crazy fear that as everyone in our "caste" is aware that I'm in love with my BF, if I choose to walk away, I know much unnecessary gossip will be made about me & it may act as a deterrent for other matches to come?? I know what I expressed sounds regressive, especially as I've grew abroad, but I can't help feeling this way.

minn1 · Sep 11, 2016

suppose god forbid if 'divorce' happens then what for ur so called status.to be very honest i dont know ur age but i feel u marrying for 'wrong reasons' so not only this guy but please wait and broaden ur mind before going for lifelong committed beautiful relation called 'marriage'.how long can u live for society even if u do there will be some ppl talking bad about u.as far i have analysed majority of divorce happens due to 'wrong reasons' to get married in the first place.otherwise, it is ur choice how u drive ur life .best of luck ,nothing more to say..

blindpup10 · Sep 11, 2016

@GoodVibesOnly- I can understand that everyone in your family knows that you like this guy. It doesn't mean you have to give into your in-laws. You are still not married.

I suggest you have a heart to heart discussion with your parents. Tell them how you feel. Tell them you fear that your in- laws might keep demanding stuff from you and your parents. You aren't rejecting this guy... You just have to make sure he will stand by you and doesn't freeload on your family.

The one thing I learned is- it's not the money or yielding to my in-law's demands. It's about how my in-laws will treat me from the time I first agree to everything they demand. I will just be another pushover.

You don't have to break up with your bf. You can spook him enough to stand by you.

I empathize with you- that you are caught between your parents version of Indian culture and not knowing today's Indian culture. A lot of women in India don't do dowry, aren't meek and many stand up against in-laws over the abuse.

You think about it- why do your IL's need 1.5 kg gold? They expect you to wear it during the wedding? Just say you aren't fond of gold. There is really no use for 1.5 kg gold in US lifestyle.

A gift to SIL I get it. Demand a gift from your bf family too.

dimhere · Sep 11, 2016

GoodVibesOnly said: ↑

or cut my loses and run
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GoodVibesOnly said: ↑

I have considered this option more than once
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GoodVibesOnly said: ↑

a deterrent for other matches to come?
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OP, what your BF's parents ask as dowry is for sure atrocious. And your BF not taking up a stand is wrong too. All the replies before this, have given you good advice about that.

But pls examine your own feelings towards your BF. I may be wrong here, but I do not think that your love for him is really as deep as you believe it is. I'm sorry if this hurts you. But I think that the fact that "running" is on your mind so often, reveals a bit more. Please introspect your own feelings towards your BF, if he is so replacable in your life.

Pls take this in the kindest way possible. My apologies if you think I am wrong.

GoodVibesOnly · Sep 11, 2016

@dimhere

You do have a point in saying that I need to reassess my feeling for my BF, the main reason I'm having second thoughts is due to his parents behaviour towards me and my family. This has been a major point of stress for the past 1 year, I never understood why I wasn't good enough for their son, when I'm equally educated (I hold double Masters), hold a respectable job and I've been told that I'm a attractive woman. I guess the need for acceptance from my BFs side of family had me question my self-worth. Like many mentioned in this thread, the in-laws play a big role and I want to be loved, respected and accepted in to the family, therefore there were times when I thought I deserved better and I should move on, that myself worth is more than my love for my BF.

SunPa · Sep 11, 2016

GoodVibesOnly said: ↑

This has been a major point of stress for the past 1 year, I never understood why I wasn't good enough for their son, when I'm equally educated (I hold double Masters), hold a respectable job and I've been told that I'm a attractive woman.
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Honestly, you are not good enough, you are far better than your BF. Hence your IL's worry. Gotta keep you in control.

Sigh, how I hate it that traditional equates to naive and submissive. Please check around , lots of traditional women in their 60s ,70s, 80s, some not even literate, have the guile and maybe even the vile that would put a modern day well educated girl to shame. Some matriarchs surely in your extended family - who are totally traditonal but the one in command.

GoodVibesOnly said: ↑

I guess the need for acceptance from my BFs side of family had me question my self-worth. Like many mentioned in this thread, the in-laws play a big role and I want to be loved, respected and accepted in to the family, therefore there were times when I thought I deserved better and I should move on, that myself worth is more than my love for my BF.
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Your parents will probably tell you that it is ok, they can manage the expenses. But you know it is not just the money.
Will your BF stand up for you , I don't know. But most important question is, will you stand up for yourself? What use is your education, your financial independence, if it doesn't empower you?

Tread wisely, my friend. Posters have given you wise advise. Do give it some deep thought. You owe it to yourself.

Rihana · Sep 11, 2016

Dowry Prohibition Act, 1961 | Ministry Of Women & Child Development
Section 3 of the Dowry Prohibition Act, 1961, says giving, taking or abetting the giving or taking of dowry is punishable by imprisonment and fine. A casual search shows that a case can be filed against the girl's side for giving dowry. Not by the boy's side, since that would implicate them too, but by any third party. With in-laws like these, nothing can be ruled out.

Take care.