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Major Dowry Drama...should Wedding Be Called Off?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by GoodVibesOnly, Sep 10, 2016.

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  1. apuviki

    apuviki Bronze IL'ite

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    Please please please stop the marriage. You are writing something that I just experienced over these months. No good, girl; it's a big red flag. Marriages shouldn't happen under materialistic reasons. I live in the UK and my husband lives in the US (we both are not PR's though). Ours was arranged and his parents had very high demands from us. But me being the only daughter, my father always did his best. Mine is a tambrahm wedding, done for two days. The wedding expenses alone came up to 27L for my parents (when initially we only expected it to come around 15L; the expense is excluding the jewellery my parents gave me). His parents interfered into everything though they din't pay even a penny for the wedding. All along my husband never stood by me, he only said that it's part of the traditions and I should leave for the parents to deal and remain silent. My husband was naive and a mute spectator. Even then, my in laws were desperately interested in knowing how many sovereigns of gold and silver I'm going to come with. Now, I realise that he is equally interested in materials; though he never openly appeared that way before. The only time when my husband stood by me was when my mil demanded I give all the jewellery to her to be kept in her locker. I denied saying it should be in my locker in my hometown. this conversation came up on the same day I was engaged and officially registered. I have no clue yet what made my husband support me that day, but remain silent all the other days. His parents are extremely money minded and his mom threw a fit with me just before the wedding that how could I spend for the candid photographers, mehendi by myself instead of asking my parents to pay for it.

    This is the scenario:Apart from the engagement ring families bought for each other, he got me a Tiffany ring for 13000$ as the proposal ring. Our r'ship started all rosy, he came down to meet me and proposed me with the ring. That was the first ring I had even before the official engagement. His parents were totally pissed off with him that he emptied most of his savings on the ring for me. They were constantly telling him that he shouldn't have done that without knowing if the girl's side will reciprocate the same way. (Reciprocate?) It is for this very reason, his parents openly said that, our son spent 8.6L just on the ring and for that make sure you do not let us down in the marriage. The sickest thing i did was to get officially registered the same day I got engaged this jan, though my ceremonial marriage took place in June this year. I had to switch to the US with my student visa on time as i was going on a fellowship from the UK, hence the need to get registered in jan to be able to join my university in June right away after my wedding. Otherwise, I would have had an easy way out. After engagement he went back to the US, and with his jet lag he ran his car over a side pavement. I really have no clue what's with the insurance thing in the US but he said he was not going to be covered up and he had to pay 7000$ from his pocket. His mom straight away told him to get the money from me as we were already registered, I am liable to help for any financial issues he may face. He asked me for help but I denied because the savings I had, I was planning to pay for the candid photographers and help my parents to some extent with the wedding. He threw a fit with me that I'm supposed to help, but I constantly denied. He informed his mom about our fight and she was very silly to come to me and ask why are your parents so cheap to do a wedding with their daughter's money. Really? while I was planning to give away 4-5L, when the budget was crossing 25L; how could they say the wedding is being done with my money. My dad overheard this and without understanding that they are very much money-minded, he only said that we are not cheap as you think and we won't take even a penny from our daughter. My father passively gave in only because I was already registered; otherwise I'm sure we were all almost getting convinced to walk away from the alliance. My parents didn't take even a rupee from me and I was very very very guilty about it. To date, his mom and I have fits over the money issue. She complains to my husnband that she chose a wrong, poor family for him and is ashamed of it. And my husband also gets equally influenced by her. She compares me to his cousins, neighbours and say we had given less for the wedding. SIlly my husband, at times comes to me saying we have not met their family status. Because they know that i have money left in my account, they are trying every possible way to loot it away. Despite me giving generously my share for our new apartment in the US, to buy all new stuff for the house, they are still not being in content about it.

    I earlier believed that my husband is from this generation and would stand against these material values. He was mute but I understand now that he silently encouraged his family to demand for it. But soon after the registration, he seems to tag along with his mom claiming it's part of the traditions, customs and I'm supposed to do it. When a man cannot stand up against his parents for their flaws, he will be of no good in anyway (sorry for being harsh here). It won't take your BF to nod his head later for everything his mom demands and at the end your relationship will only be measured on the scale of material values and not based on love or respect.
    Don't fool yourself like I did to myself. I WAS STUPID. Now, I have gone to the extent that I am applying for the divorce., partly for dowry reasons. Wake up girl, please! My husband is genuinely attracted to his ex yet and I'm battling against it already. When I take this issue to my in laws, they are of NO USE, and they are very much in support of his activities. Once the chemistry between you and your mil is already strained, in future even if you and your husband are going to deal anything toxic together, they won't be by your side even for good reasons. That's not how you start a family, trust me. I did the blunder by believing that if the man is alone right, that's more than enough.
    Marriages are constructed with two families coming together for mutual love and respect, and they cannot pull the bride's weight down by demanding way too much from them. Once you start feeding them, you will be bound to do it until you die. So do not blindly go ahead with this marriage only under the belief that your BF is at least good, or you expect him to be good now, or you believe you love him. If he really loves you, he should stop all those so called 'gifts' right now and still be able to accept you. You guys are in love, so love should give you an upper hand in this issue. Mine was arranged so I couldn't expect my husband to openly come out supporting me.

    My two cents- don't start a marriage with in laws who are materialistic, and don't give in yourself for a man who is passive for his parents cruelty. Never too late, get out.
     
  2. dc24

    dc24 Gold IL'ite

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    LOL...you are cracking me up...:clapclap::smash2:
     
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  3. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    @GoodVibesOnly-
    Like everyone has said- it's very uncommon even in India to ask dowry/gifts. There are more men who will actually consider woman as partners and not as a gold mine.
    I get you are in love with this guy.. don't run. But stand still and take few days to think about this issue. Stand your ground.

    Have you questioned why your IL's don't like you? Many ladies will agree that your IL's don't see you as the DIL who will serve them, be subservient, meek in the name of respect for elders.

    Why did your bf put you on speaker? What did you Bf say for this? How could he allow a personal conversation to be overheard?

    If your bf is saying this is tradition have you thought that what else he might say "in tradition" name in future? I have been a part of Indusladies for few months and I have read few stories where Indian men who get married to NRI forcing their wife to move to India. This may not be the same with your bf. But take a min and think.

    Like everyone has suggested there will be more demands in the future from IL's- think about it.

    If you don't want to run from this guy tell him directly you are very much against this gifts/dowry exchange. Make it sound like you want this "relationship" to be over. Wait and see his reaction.

    If you believe he is "in love" with you, he should stand up for you. You should expect that.


    My personal experience- My DH and I met online and met in the US. I went for a vacation to India. His parents in full agreement with my DH to accept me while I was in the US. After they scheduled a visit to my house- after seeing my house. Then came the list. My parents had predicted this and wanted them to meet them in a restaurant- my IL's convinced my parents against it.

    Anyways- long story short- I refused to even talk to my DH. He called my mother, my sibling. He literally begged me to talk to him. I gave him one thing Big middle finger. He pacified his parents, convinced them against these gifts/ he even wanted to share wedding expenses.
    For our engagement my DH made my MIL give me a gold necklace (that is a custom in my family).Nope, they didn't get a cent. They never even laid eyes on my jewels. Its in my own locker.

    Even today my MIL is burning coz they spent loads on my SIL and MIL can't even control my jewels.

    I have been married for 3 years and these things- who has the gold/what I got or what my SIL got doesn't matter in daily life. But I know one thing my DH will not let me down. That is the confidence that I have.

    Giving gold/ furniture is up to you- at least make the best use of it to get what you want from your H and in-laws.
     
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2016
  4. pocahontas

    pocahontas Gold IL'ite

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    I would suggest you spend some time and go through the posts in Married Life. And the way, someone has pointed out - love is a two way street. Is your boyfriend trying to make your love your weakness??
    That's a question only you can answer.

    In all the probability, your BF does like/love you (I do not believe in 'Ekta Kapoor type' portrayals of 'villain-ish' people) but either is wrapped up in time (where it suits him) or is spineless to actually work it out with his parents. Neither of the this is good.
    Agreed your parents can afford all this (and maybe even think this is all 'normal' in their own way) - but what kind of a life are you expecting with 'such' folks?
    Good Luck with everything!
     
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  5. pocahontas

    pocahontas Gold IL'ite

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    Good Luck with everything @apuviki!
     
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  6. dc24

    dc24 Gold IL'ite

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    @GoodVibesOnly
    I too had a love marriage and right from the very beginning I told my then BF (now DH)...that my parents were middle class government servants and would not afford lavish wedding and dowry. He supported me throughout and later on my family through all thicks n thins.
    Please always see the character and integrity of a person...
    Think twice before plunging in...because...later on..life won't give any second chance...
    Had I been in your place...I would have let go of such a STUPID love and would have moved ahead...
     
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  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op....tell him you have just come to know that his India has actually out lawed dowry.
    Demanding dowry is a criminal offense .
    Taking and giving dowry is offense.
    There are really strong laws to deal with this menace.

    Tell him you are sure what they are demanding is dowry and not gifts.
    Tell him you will not take part in this social offense because of which thousands of woman are killed by husband and in laws every year.
    Tell him if he loves you...he will marry you in a simple ceremony without 'gifts'.
    See how his love disappears........
    Please ask him to keep the phone on speaker.

    ............................................................
    Cousins had to give dowry...so you have to give too?What else is happening with the cousins?
    Cousins live like doormats ,so you have to too?
    cousins take abuse without protest...so you have to too?
    ......................................................
    Check out threads on this forum ...
    Mumma boys
    Inlaws and dowry.
    No privacy...husband tells everything to mil.

    If after this ,you still want to marry these hypocrite thieves who don't even want to accept it as dowry.......then go ahead.This forum is open 24 /7 .

    If you are still blind in love...then tell them that every thing that is given will officially be on your name and locker.
     
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  8. apuviki

    apuviki Bronze IL'ite

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    @yellowmango Please ask him to keep the phone on speaker.

    Haha, you nailed it. Hugs :)
     
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  9. Rise

    Rise Platinum IL'ite

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    Cut your losses and run. A man or family who ASK for money & gifts do not see your soul or worth.
     
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  10. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    If you are too in love to do what your head is telling you, at least try to buy some more time, so you can really think deep and long if you want to get into this marriage.

    Also, in the serious talk with BF, no point repeating the same.. he will again say they've agreed to the match, so now meet their demands. Try some other approach. How about you tell him that you understand he cannot go against his parents, but, you are against this dowry thing, and it is also not legal, and your parents cannot afford it, so you both can give your parents some money. Maybe a few months savings from both of you. Instead of your parents spending their savings of years. In-laws need not know you guys gave your parents money. See what is his reaction. Or, suggest that you are going to take a big loan to help your parents with the wedding expenses.

    Your hesitation to call this off is understandable, though harmful to you in the long run. You've put some time into it, and you are in love with this guy. So, you don't want to present him any ultimatums. If you don't want to call it off - present this as a problem you both are facing, and how you can deal with it. Don't bring up the speakerphone incident, and other misdeeds by your would-be in-laws into that serious talk. Indicate that you are serious about the wedding, very much want to go ahead with it, but parents spending so much money is not an option. You get the difference? Instead of arguing that this parents are being mean, demanding etc etc, talk about how their dowry demands can be met without undue burden on your parents. Into the conversation, include hints that if you cannot find a suitable solution, you will call off the wedding. Reluctantly and only as a last resort, but call it off you will.
     
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2016
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