Maintaining Intimacy In Joint Family And With Kid(s)- Asking For Cousin

Needtobestrong · Jul 19, 2018

I'm pretty close to my cousin, and posting this for her personal problem..
She has always been a cheerful girl, seemed pretty dull and sad when i met her recntly..she was saying she is feeling a little low because she doesn't have private time with her husband..
Background- she lives in joint family in 3 BHK house in Mumbai, with in laws, and unmarried younger brother in law..they have 4 year old kid. So one bedroom for her, husband and daughter..one bedroom for in laws, one bedroom for unmarried BIL. Apart from that there is hall room and one kitchen and one balcony.
When they got married about 6 years ago they had very good physical relations, she said..they had a family within few months of marriage..even after having the child they resumed within few months..anyways babies sleep for long time , and within 3-4 months the baby started sleeping through the night and it was pretty convenient for them..even afterwards they continued same..but recently her husband has been travelling a lot, and her kid also has grown up and started school..my cousin is working full time and in laws look after kid..at this age the child doesn't take daytime naps, but only sleeps at night and very poor sleeper..and since my cousin and her DH co sleep with their child it's becoming difficult for them to do intimacy ..now the awareness also increased so they have to be very careful, and child is light sleeper..
Somedays their kids sleeps next to grand parents but that happens rarely..as my cousin's DH is travelling often the child misses her dad and when he is home she wants to sleep between both her parents..they can't make their child to sleep in a different room because all bed rooms are occupied..by in laws and BIL..and guests also visit now and then...
Night time intimacies are becoming difficult for them as their child is light sleeper and once or twice she woke up when they tried doing something..very occasionally they manage it when she is in deep sleep..they are also working people and feel tired during end of the day..
Weekend afternoons they try to have quickies by leaving their child with in laws and closing the door in their room..but she says that with guests dropping in often, and in laws going for medical checkup during some weekends, and also in general with all people moving in and around home she is not able to enjoy the experience..
Her husband doesn't seem to complain much as he is attached to his family members and doesn't feel like privacy is gone..and he is older than my cousin by 6 years so his drive also maybe less..but my cousin who is in early thirties and in her prime, feels like she is being deprived..
Two more cousins who have young kids manage, because they have spare bedroom where they make child to sleep..or else even if co sleeping, they will see when child is asleep they sneak into spare bedroom , close door and do it..
In her case not possible..
They do go out for outings together..but at home they don't get private time..
She is having lot of resentment of staying in joint family..
Her BIL will continue living with them , and will get married only after few years as he is young..
Moving out also not possible as her husband won't agree, also she shares a good relation with in laws and they look after kid nicely when she goes for job, she is very ambitious and wants to succeed in her career so she uses it as advantage.
And in a city like Mumbai where property rates are over the roof moving to a bigger home is difficult..they are searching but couldn't find within their budget..
Now her in laws are putting little pressure for having second kid and she is just feeling irritated and frustrated..
What is the solution, what can she do to maintain satisfying intimacy with her DH?
This is a genuine query and genuine problem, and many ladies maybe facing similar situation in joint family.. please give some, practical suggestions ?

pinky2cute · Jul 19, 2018

This is a difficult situation.
1st of all, having intimacy infront of your kid is a big NO-NO. Till kid is 1 or 2yrs is fine but after that they observe everything even if they don't understand what their parents are doing.
She is 4yr old now. This is the age where curiosity about gender, the relationship, about the entire world they are curious to know and learn. Parents may think child is sleeping bt sshe maybe awake n one day she will unknowingly blurt out what her mom dad are doing at night in her school or to any 3rd person.

I think the option which will be best in this situation is to make her dd to sleep with grandparents when they want to do it.
They can lovingly tell dd that her father has headache n needs some rest...or that her mom is not well..etc something to cookup n make dd understand to sleep with grandparents.

If the house is own thenaybe she can renovate it and extend to make a small room for the kid...because now she is 4 but few years down, she will be in teens and need her own privacy too!

So for a permanent solution they should either shift to a bigger house or renovate and extend to make a room for the kid.

Sometimes, on weekends they can book weekend getaways at any nearby resorts and enjoy their lrivacy while dd is taken care of by inlaws.

shravs3 · Jul 20, 2018

@pinky2cute as already given good suggestions. They can leave the kid on some weekends with their inlaws and let them go out for some outing .

yellowmango · Jul 20, 2018

They can get a day bed or a sofa bed for the living room . The child can sleep there at night.

yellowmango · Jul 20, 2018

If it is a rental...they should look for two small flats next to each other rather than big flat.

dnormx01 · Jul 20, 2018

This is just my opinion- please don’t suggest a sofa bed and drawing room sleeping ideas for the 4 year old. It will affect her- she’d feel not being given a proper space at home and being neglected. Already she’s clingy towards Daddy as he’s traveling a bit and this will mentally put her further down. And in future when the second one arrives and he/she is put up with mummy in her room, this little girl is going to feel it all the more. 4 year olds are quite smart and sensitive nowadays.

Secondly sofa beds are generally not made as per regular sleep requirements, they are more for a once in while usage. So it might not be a great idea for her little and developing spine and systems.

My suggestion- if the grandparents are understanding and accomadating, please create a corner in their room with a light partition, to enable enough ventilation and visibility while giving her, her own space; decorate it with her favorite cartoons etc and give her, her own space. The same can be done within or adjacent to the parents/ grandparents bedrooms. This will keep her excited and will teach her to take care of her space, like can tell her to tidy up and spread her bed spreads etc. visit her space and drink toy coffee and request her to make cakes for you... and so on.

Best of luck

n2n · Jul 23, 2018

Hi Op
Bunk bed is also a good idea. It can be fixed in grandparents room if the room is not that big. Making the kid sleep alone in sitting room not advisable.

Needtobestrong · Jul 24, 2018

Thanks all for your replies.
Appreciate the different perspectives on this sensitive issue..
I agree that that the kid will feel left out if made to sleep in the living room while others sleep on bedrooms..
Other family members should also be a little understanding and try to give the married couple their privacy by making some arrangement..else it causes resentment, frustration and unhappiness..