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Lying About Where One Work /cutting Of Friendship

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by droplet, Dec 17, 2021.

  1. droplet

    droplet Silver IL'ite

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    We live outside india. We happen to see a post in watsapp community group, a lady is selling indian food. I ordered once and when I went to collect, during the small chit- chat at parking lot she casually mentioned she works for a big mnc "abc". This is where my husband also works. We became friends and used to meet now and then.

    Fast forward one month.
    She had to make a transfer to my account for a purchase We made for her($20) and from here I got to see her full name.

    Fast forward one month.
    We invited her home for a get together and I asked in which technology do you work, she said "xyz". I excitedly asked her if she minds referring my profile to her project since I am looking for an opening in the same field. She outright rejected and said she dnt do referrals. I said ok that's fine.
    After that day she just ignores me. After few weeks, I send a message asking how are you all doing. Any plans for Xmas holidays. She replied "fine". I felt something seemed fishy in few instances but never bothered to think more about it.

    Now, just on instincts I checked if this lady works for "abc", shockingly there is none in her name. 100 % confirm there is none in that name.

    I felt really bad. I considered her as a good friend. Happy for the fact we have someone speaking our language living close to us.
    I am 1000000% ok if she doesn't refer, I respect, but faking on where you work??
    Completely cut out relationships for asking if you could refer????
    I am person who cannot act casual if I am not ok. Cannot fake on things.
    After living a decade outside india, I have always felt there are not friendships, its all acquaintance. People talk only if they need something.
    You have put on fake smile, fake it all to get thi gs done. Are we loosing the essence of friendships.
     
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  2. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    Firstly, why would a lady working in ABC mnc sell Indian food? If it was the same company as your husbands, you could have asked your husband to refer.
    Even I dont like people who asks help like a job opening or something. If the friendship is real I would myself recommend a genuinely deserving candidate. Actually very hard to find true friends today where they dont have any expectations from you.
    Could be she was lying to be in touch with you or know you more.
     
    sandhya2020 and chanchitra like this.
  3. droplet

    droplet Silver IL'ite

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    I initially had this same thought but I dnt know why she needs to sell food and it is none of my business to know. but that's how i came to know about her. I dnt start this friendship for sake of getting job. This referral part was the last part in this relationship The country where I live, the bitter truth is you need to be referred by an employee for an interview call. I am not going to get an offer letter because someone referred me, still I have to clear 2 tech rounds and 1 hr to get the job. The referral part is no illegal way. Even every mnc asks for referral from employees. My dh has referred me,but he works on an entirely different vertical.
    I completely agree and respect her if no referral is her principle. But I was thinking about going radio silent and ignoring Messages after that visit.

    Whatever it is, another lesson learnt in life.
     
    Thyagarajan and chanchitra like this.
  4. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    I am not surprised if someone working in an MNC is also selling Indian veggies/groceries. Maybe a viable side earning. I see many do that here in Europe, given the fact that certain vegetables native to India is not available here.

    Coming to the friendships part, I had all kinds of experiences trying to make some friendships here in the Country I live. Yes, our own folks from our own region and who speak our language act in many different shades. Most people only talk when they need something, some talk today & the next day, act like they don't know you at all, some only talk about how well-off they are in this Country and back in India, some are more concerned about your financial status more than you as a person & with some you cannot travel too far with the kind of jealousy they spew over everything happening in your life.

    I also understood that after 35, making new friendships is bloody hard work. After coming to a new Country I started to cherish my old friendships more, even if involves only calls and less meeting in person. Better to invest in what we are already blessed with than to waste life on people who don't deserve you and your attention.

    See the bright side, you came to know about her very soon. It is good in a way rather than knowing her true colours after investing a lot of yourself into the relationship. Just learn to ignore and it has nothing to do with you. Depending on the comfort you share with her, you can also ask if your request bothered her in anyway. If she values the relation, she will open up. If she doesn't, you better leave it at that and move on.
     
    Thyagarajan likes this.
  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    You had your husband check his company directory using a full name that you got from a money transfer transaction?

    I found myself making these mistakes with friendships in a new country:
    - getting too excited if I found a person from my state, city or college, and assuming it will become a good friendship
    - getting too friendly with that person too soon. I cringe now to recall how I used to overdo the "let's be friends" thing.
    - after becoming friends, being unforgiving of small issues (this was my biggest mistake).

    In the case of your friend, there are many possible explanations. Don't analyze each of the below closely. Just use them to recognize that there are explanations.
    - she was working for the mnc when she told you. she got laid off by the time you found out her full name and ran a check in the company directory.
    - she had already been laid off and was only on the rolls for a few more weeks like some companies do.
    - she only supplied lunch to groups working in xyz technology.
    - she was a consultant in xyz technology not a fulltime employee.
    - she found your request for referral too soon and presumptuous as she didn't know your technical abilities.
    - she might have had a bad experience referring people.
    - others must have reacted strongly when she refused to refer. she does not know you are 100000% ok with such refusal.
    - most likely, she just found you moving too fast in the "friendship" timeline for her nature. For her, "speaking our language and living close to us" does not automatically lead to "I considered her as a good friend."

    Friendships are not loosing their essence. They are what they have been for ages. The observations of friendships by Aristotle and Oscar Wilde hold true centuries on. My favorite quote is from the French philosopher Jean de la Bruyere: "Two persons cannot long be friends if they cannot forgive each other's little failings."

    Does the forgiveness include forgiving the occasional lie? Yes.
     
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2021
  6. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    I enjoyed reading this touching all domains of friendship in a foreign land. In that excitement of finding our native tongue speaking in proximity, mind tend to crave for friendship in a new geography. Even when they speak local language one tend to hear them speak our native tongue.

    Regarding forgiving little failing by the new friend, I must say familiarity breeds contempt and attempt. I experienced and observed too that one has to maintain little distance with neighbours. Too close one tend to disclose too much too soon and their own saying boomerang in most undesirable manner at the wrong place in wrong time in presence of wrong person or persons.
     
    Rihana likes this.

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