Loveless marriages - Why we continue?

Hi,

I think the answer to what you ask is pretty much in ur question itsef. People continue in a loveless marriage either for the sake of society or kids. Many people who opt for divorce/seperation are because of 2 reasons i feel - the spouse abuses them or the has had an affair.

The other reason, lack of conectivetiy or no communication, difference of opinions, interests are all also viable reason but when people with such issues think of their kids or of society they decide to stay in it and give it a try and try to correct it. But I belive that who you are can never chagne and no matter how much you try to "fix" things it might end up only being temporary and things eventually fall back to how they were.

 

In case the relationship is not too abusive or if there are no infidelity issues, then couples continue even if there is not much love left, for the sake of kids and their upbringing. See, it is we (the couple) who decide to bring in the kids to this world. In other words, it is a joint responsibility to provide a decent home for them until they can be on their own. Half way thru, it will not be fair on our part to just separate the kids from either of his/her parents.

Of course, in circumstances or families where the children are better off living with a single parent rather than a living hell of a home, separation is definitely justified. But (according to me), I have no right to separate my kids and leave, especially when they love their dad so much. So I endure a loveless relationship for the sake of my kids. Of course this is my opinion only.

Just off the record, I respect the vows I made during my marriage - "we will remain husband and wife, in sickness or in health, in poverty or prosperity, till death do us apart." Rather, from childhood, I have seen elders being bound by these vows that it is rather difficult to think otherwise.

 

Most of us continue in loveless marriages due to absense of no other alternatives . It is impossible to imagine going for a divorce, remarriage , easily in our society where arranged marriages are the norm. It is a difficult task to get married once after matching 101 irrelevant things that the issues (personal preferences ) that do matter are brushed aside.
Apart from all this the lengthy process of divorce and the related merry-go-round deters a woman from going ahead unless she is supported by her family. The men continue staying in their familiar world whereas the woman is uprooted and has to face adverse circumstances unless she is working. The trauma caused to the kids is immense and the mom tries her best to give them a secure home and stays back.
Middleaged housewifes in loveless marriages generally continue to mend, darn their marriages unless the DH takes the first step and applies for a divorce.

 

Very true, flowerlady! I agree with you totally.

 

I think once you have kids the decision to separate becomes difficult. One starts looking at the pros and cons of separation.

I have a friend who is going thru a difficult marriage, they started having differences from after the kid was born, when the kid was about an year old she even walked out of the house and went to her parents place. But shortly she realized how difficult it would be to bring up the child single handedly - the social stigma associated with it. The one positive aspect here was that her husband was very good with the kid and hence she also felt it was better to live under the same roof and put up with him, rather than depriving the kid of one of their love.

Now its been about 2 years since that incident, outsiders will not be able to make out that there is problem between them, he dearly loves the kid - takes care of the morning chores for the kid and makes him ready for school, takes the kid for evening walks etc. But the relationship between them is as cold as it was then. My friend says she looks at as the best solution she could have come up.

So, as Rihana quoted the key question is

"Are you better off with him or without him?

Regards
Rani

 

Why some people continue?

Inspite of no love - then "Practical considerations".



Its a different story if there IS love, but still differences, then it is tricky but can be made to work. There surely is love and affection, but practical differences exist and need to be worked out. Thats a different situation. Still a tough one to navigate, but can be done, and needs a LOT of WORK to be put in. Its still a better situation to be in than one where there is fundamental lack of love and affection.