1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Love Marriage Vs Arranged Marriage..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by anika987, Jul 9, 2021.

  1. sandhya2020

    sandhya2020 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    129
    Likes Received:
    158
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female


    I'm not talking about marrying some street-corner-stranger for their looks- or as you say physical attraction- but marrying someone you "LOVE" and "CARE ABOUT" enough to not care for their money/salary/ parental property/caste/social status, and being willing to sacrifice those things to marry them.

    Accidentally meeting someone on street corner and being physically attracted and marrying them- philosophy sounds more like arranged marriage where you dont know that stranger but marry them based on superficial traits .Whereas in love marg, you actually marry someone you know well and already have strong bond with .

    And by thorough vetting, i you mean that vetting their parents' properties, their social status , their salary, their skin color as preferred by the groom's mother , their caste and subcaste, and how much dowry they can afford - sorry that is still marrying a stranger for superficial and materialistic reasons.

    But I feel your response is aimed at just elongating this thread unnecessarily.
     
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2021
  2. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,258
    Likes Received:
    1,307
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Male
    RFLOL... reminded me of the question "how long is a piece of string?"
    This I like; happens a lot on movies and TV. The high sacrifice, or.. the price one pays should have an effect on the mutual feelings, for sure. For anything high priced, there would be careful maintenance. However, there is the chance for deep buyers' remorse as well. And there is the sunk-cost phenomenon: the psychic attachment to a failing enterprise.
    There is much yet to come on this here thread :yum: .
     
  3. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    6,198
    Likes Received:
    10,035
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    After you are in a marriage for a period of time, love or arranged, it doesn’t really matter. It’s a commitment and it takes a lot of hard work to have a good relationship. Initially, having known someone and gotten married to him/her has an advantage. But once you start living under the same roof, over the years you get to know each other in and out. There will be traits you adore about each other and there will be those that you don’t. What makes or breaks the marriage then will be if you are able to live with the traits that you absolutely cannot tolerate. I’ve seen enough of both kinds and to be honest, both have been fairly ok. Every couple get into a comfort zone in their relationship and seem to stay there. The ones who are not happy either communicate or learn to live with whatever is bothering them.

    I’ve also seen a fair share of marriages of both kinds ending post 15-20 years. Initially it bothered me but not anymore. Those are probably the women who bid for their time to get out.

    I would rate a marriage based on the two people in it. Some interactions we observe make me cringe but if the two people in the marriage are ok with it then my opinion is moot!
     
  4. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,258
    Likes Received:
    1,307
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Male
    This:
    Couples watching other couples' behaviors, and discussing such cringe-worthy stuff in their private times, contributes much to the happiness of the observers. The more agreement there is in what are cringe-worthy, the happier the marriage!!
     
    Laks09 likes this.
  5. nuss

    nuss Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,380
    Likes Received:
    2,608
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    I have been in both. In my humble opinion, it doesn’t matter whether the marriage was arranged by parents or decided by the couple (love). What really matters is- mutual respect. If there is respect, love grows! Even in love marriage, most couples haven’t lived together so being together 24 hours is different from the courtship of a few hours.
    Marriage is not about flowers or expensive gifts, it is about letting the partner be their true self and helping each- other grow.
     
    Mistt, Thyagarajan and Viswamitra like this.
  6. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,258
    Likes Received:
    1,307
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Male
    The conditional clause is the nub !! Various factors of the real world could make mutual-respect less than optimal/ideal; real world conditions are described in a lot of posts on the Married-Life sub forum.

    Even in the absence of any overt disrespect from a spouse, a married person may feel some fuzzy unfulfilled hankering. That was the point in the first post, and quite a few of the follow up posts as well. This seems to happen around ~a decade of married life....whether the marriage was arranged by parents or by the couple themselves.

    Contrivances to "work on the marriage" might seem out of character for one or both partners, even if one or both recognize being in a rut, and merely muddling forth, because of inertia. Children are great catalysts to ginger a flaccid pair of grownups sunk in ennui.

    Married life is tough when one of the two thinks everything is just so fine, and the other goes...
    The solution to this is to reprogram the captive: have the man watch that Rushing-Waves movie [in Tamil: Alai Payudey?] and many others of that genre, and then observe the behavior before and after.
     
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2021
  7. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,258
    Likes Received:
    1,307
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Male
    By default, there isn't a last word on the subject of marriages. Earlier on this thread [quoted below] I mentioned how romance transitions in a marriage to duty and mutual services... and RFLOL... a few others had thought of that as well.
    Saw the following on the internet:
    ARCHITECTURE OF DUTY
    She said her husband was a published writer with a small circle of devoted readers. The other day she went to a bookstore and saw his book on the shelf. She read a few pages and was reminded of how articulate and ingenious he was. A strange thing happened then. In that moment she saw him as other people saw him, a genius, and not as she saw him, which was this tall, mostly unshaven man who was nice enough to do the laundry and sometimes made her watch ridiculous sci-fi movies. And she wondered why one lost sight of their spouse’s specialness, their ‘otherness’, in a marriage. The word that came to her mind was ‘duty’. Their marriage, any marriage, soon become defined by an intricate architecture of duty. Bills. Laundry. Food. Children. As duty insidiously took over life, one’s spouse got entrenched in one’s mind as either an agreeable or a disagreeable performer of these duties. Someone either cooked well or badly, was good at managing money or horrible at it, was a stern parent or a mollycoddling one. All nuance got swallowed by the looming architecture of duty and routine. A line from an old pop song came back to her. “He looks around, around, he sees angels in the architecture, spinning in infinity.” Yes, that’s what we are, she thinks. Angels stuck in the architecture of duty. May we break free once in a while. Amen.​
     
  8. Tubinbataye

    Tubinbataye Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    136
    Likes Received:
    146
    Trophy Points:
    100
    Gender:
    Female
    Love after marriage is vital in any case.
    Somehow I have trust in arranged marriages. In my circle arranged marriages are more well-grounded than love. Almost like a train on a track, they all just have a checklist and live by that,no drama nothing! But again it all depends on the match.
     

Share This Page