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Love for my husband is kinda gone

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Goahead, Mar 26, 2013.

  1. Goahead

    Goahead Silver IL'ite

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    With all the inlaws incidents and my husband always taking their side, making me feel bad about me complaining ( for me its not complain..i'm telling you the truth of what someone did to us ) I have kind of lost my love for him.

    Not just that -my husband has also been very mean , disrespectful of my parents .With time and me constantly telling him that it is not correct for him to be mean to my parents who always think good for us and does things for us..., he has improved. But i definitely knows that he makes this effort to talk to them, though he does not feel anything for them. He calls his parents for all small little stuff by himself, for my family he never calls by him selves and does not feel anything for them

    so this too has impact on my love for him.he does not feel for then at all and I see so much meanness like saying quiet etc

    he is totally different for his parents and would call them, make sure things are ok, fid out about their health even if they sneeze etc...

    Why is this the case with girls..? I used to treat his parents as our on since marriage, my opinion changed for my inlaws after seeing their manipulative nature, lies etc..i do not care for my inlaws now after so an years but not because they are inlaws but because of what they are as people, they have does mean things, being rude to me etc...I feel that if my parents behave the same, my husband would not have respect for them, but if they are good to us why he behaves like this to them ?

    DH always takes inlaws side, talks to them no matter what they do to us and forces me to have relation with them, and to top it off do not behave the same with my family and whatever little talking he does to my family is because he is afraid that I would stop talking to his...

    I just dnt like his behavior anymore and sometimes dnt even feel like talking to him...what a sad life - to live with someone whom you cannot confide with hat you feel when people behave bad, and whom you do not love any more...

    I know most of you are going to tell me to not think and if he does nt talk to my family, then dnt talk to his etc etc.., but my thinking is - it is very difficult to not think of inlaws if they have so much interference in your life, if husband brings them up everytime...and i feel it is so wrong of my husband to behave badly to my family when they have not done anything ....


    I'm having on of those moments today when I dnt like my husband and feel like I'm living with someone who is literally very mean....
     
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  2. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Hello,

    I just read your other thread and I agree 100% with Rihana's reply there.

    There are things you need to accept here.
    1. Your DH will always love his parents - who gave birth to him, provided for him, brought him up (and even now give him never ending support in his battle with his wife?!)
    2. Dictating how he ought to behave with your parents will only bring in resentment towards them - as you have already seen. Not only that. It is certainly going to cause resentment towards you too!
    3. The more you are going to try to wrench him away from his parents, the more he is going to go away from you - emotionally, I mean

    What you need is learn to be tactful. Truthful, yet diplomatic. Therefore you are not being dismissed as a nag. There is no way you are going to show him that his parents are mean without debasing yourself in his eyes. Life is not a test where someone is totally right or totally wrong. All people have shades of grey. Don't let your views about your ILs cloud your judgement of your DH.

    Instead of trying to fill his head with "facts of the situation", just let things go. About ILs being mean, well, it is their prerogative in India to be like that and not face any consequences! However the amount of time you let them rule your head and life with your DH, is your choice. You can let them reside rent-free in your head forever and live a bitter life. Or you can let it go, be politically correct and have a happy life with your happy DH. It is your choice.

    Pick up a self help book about setting boundaries.

    PS: I'm talking from real experience. Even my interaction with my really mean MIL became enjoyable once I changed my mindset. Good luck to you.
     
    sindmani and Swasha like this.
  3. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    from what I read - i have come to the conclusion that you have the regular problems from InLaws nad don't like to talk to them. ok most of us here on ILS are on the same boat adn so do not feel disheartened.

    Two: you are upset that he doesn't talk to your family while he calls them and updates them for every single thing.

    Now, I know will be angry/upset at what I am about to say, but here is your mistake. And beleiev me, we all have made the same mistake initially but have turned out wiser over time.

    your mistake 1: You thought his family is like your own family

    your mistake 2:you worry too much about how he is with his family versus how he is with your family.

    your mistake 3: you expect too much from your husband and your ilaws

    Here are the solutions for

    his parents are not like your parents. period. they are your Inlaws and let them remain that way. Do not expect anything from them. Do not make them your parents or like your parents. they are not and will never be.

    Similarly for him, your parents are his Ilaws and expecting him to call your parents, no matter how much you want him to will not materialize the right way.

    Moreover, answer this truthfully, does it make you feel better knowing that your hubby calls your parents only bcos he wants you to call his? I know it feels downright insulting. Plus, you are there for your parents and nobody can dilute that love. Then why get him to do it when you don't feel good about it and on top only adds more obligation on you to call his parents?

    Do not expect your husband to call your parents. And you don't call your ILs unless you really want to. Be answerable only to your conscience.When you stop chasing, he will fall in line on his own. Sometimes you need to use the brain to solve problems of heart.
     
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  4. soshana

    soshana Senior IL'ite

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    People get defensive about their parents, no matter what. If you tell him your problems about ILs no matter how rude or cunning they are, he will never be your side. That is how some Indian men are. They will fail to see any injustice to the wife.eventually you will be the bad person. Instead if you want some peace, do not take anything seriously, do your own thing, if they come in your way, be firm, independent and carry on a I don't care attitude.
    If you live away from them also it is hard because all the saved up energy will be used when you go on trips to visit which prolongs problems for years. I can understand how this is affecting your relationship, why do you need acknowledgement from your h about things. Find good friends, if you have a sister open up to her. Send time on something else, your husband is not a savior.
     

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