Love affairs before marriage

Tugga · Nov 22, 2009

Ladies and gentlemen,

I am relatively new to this site... Not sure whether my thread is appropriate here... Mods, please feel free to move/edit this where necessary.

Ok.. Coming back to the topic above... It is very rare that all the love affairs end up in marriage.. Either the couple break up for some reasons, or they give up their love due to family pressures and so on... Many end up having an arranged marriage with a stranger and move on in their life.

1) It is a very personal question... Do you think, the first love can be compltely forgotton after marriage????

2) Is that possible/practical to not to compare your first lover with your spouse??/ I mean when you are going through a bad phase in your marriage, don't you compare your dream girl/boy with your DW/DH and regret for not having a family with your ex?

3) Provided your ex is also living in the same region where you are, and suffering in her/his marriage, which you fully aware about... Would you feel like helping them or consoling them??? Is that OK to do so?

OK... let me clarify the background of my questions:

I am sitting at the Doha airport in a long transit now... Here I happened to meet one of my college friend, who got married to an NRI and settled in Doha some years back. She told me a shocking news that she is leaving to India to apply for the divorce.

Reason being... The topic above!!!

Her DH was very good at the initial days of their marriage, and she was aware that her DH had a love affair with a Muslim girl and both decided to quit the relationship due to some family pressures and finally the girl was married off to an NRI...

After 5 years, her DH married to her.. It was again a love cum arranged marriage.. and moved to Qatar to settle down..

There were ups and downs in their life as usual, and now she came to know that her DH tried hard to locate his EX.. and finally found her in a social network site... They continued a mere friendship and my friend (wife) was aware about that as well. Apparantly the EX was not happy in her marriage and that affected her DH's happiness with my friend... This continued, which pissed off my friend...

She says, her DH compares her dressing, eating habbit, talking habbit and everything with his ex... Initially he asked my friend to change all her life style without giving a reason, and my friend too accepted to change for her husband.. But now, after knowing his EX, she came to know that he was expecting her to change as per his EX... as the EX was exactly reflecting what he expected from his wife..

There was no fights or arguments, but my friend felt empty after knowing all this, and left the house with a note that " I am not interested to lead a life with you anymore" . She has a strong family background and has no kids now.

Ok... That's not my problem here... I really want to know about the influence of your EX after marriage?????

bhuvnidhi · Nov 22, 2009

Hey Tugga , Welcome to Doha.So u are in Airport and logged in to IL to pass your time?

Coming to your qn:Though I do not have much idea on this I can tell onething that your frined's hubby is totally unfair towards her.

justagirl · Nov 22, 2009

Hi tugga,

I feel you friend is doing the right thing too...i am not totally blaming your friends husband...it is very difficult to forget someone with whom you have shared a wonderful time but could not be together due to various reasons. he has clearly not gotten over his ex and its pretty unfair to both your friend and her husband to continue living in this relationship. They need some time apart, few months maybe a yr and then decide what they feel for each other.

Tugga · Nov 22, 2009

Yeap, I am still in the airport Buvnidhi... I have missed the connection flight to India, so waiting for the next one to come;( and, yes.. I am enjoying IL for time pass!!!

Girls, thanks for the responses... But my question is not whether my friend is right or wrong... I have no say in her personal decisions and she is not a close friend of mine...

My question is whether it is possible to completely forget your past relationship and move on to a new life... I know many of us or our spouses have had a bitter past love affairs, but somehow we are here with this new relationship... Isn't that possible to get over from the past feelings? Is that true your first love affair would influence your present life (in terms of expectations, comparison, likes and dislikes etc...)

Thanks
Tugga

Orpi · Nov 22, 2009

Hi Tugga,
Coming straight to your question:
1) You can forget your first love maybe or maybe not, depending entirely upon the person. Remember, teenagers and adolescents too have a lot of "crushes" or "romantic fancy" on various people and they mostly soon learn to overcome it or not. I have several friends who did have love affairs in their universities or in their working places, and some how a lot of them did not work out in the long run and soon they broke up, but again at the end they have learned to overcome that feeling and their life went ahead. Sometimes when we are together without our spouse we would make fun off each other regarding their past love affairs and we all share a laugh :biglaugh. Your story is the first of its kind that I have heard.

2) Well......... as a matter of fact its not only the dream boy/girl that we compare our spouse with but also with other film celebrities, characters or story book characters, etc.. There is no shame in it. But the problem will only arise if we let our inner thoughts and "comparison" with our spouse as it may badly hurt them. Best is (in my opinion) get over a fighting as quickly as possible.

3) I would say.......... a big "NO!". If you break up with someone, I think it is best that you avoid making contact with him/her as much as possible. Looking in to my friends' experience, so far I could see that they had never kept contact with their ex, except if they are in a work place and even then the contact is highly formal and strictly professional.