Losing control of my life...

Dear krsi

Welcome to IL ;-)
I feel that you are being to hard on your husband. It does not seem that he means ill. Maybe he is just as overwhelmed with the situation as you do. Please seperate your inlaws/dowry problem with the problems with your husband. It seems like he cannot cope with being a father, taking care of the house and on top of that his mother. So be a bit senisble with him and try to talk things out with him, what is bothering him and what could be changed to make it better.

See, he got married to you even though the strong opposition from his family. He did not ask nor insist on dowry, he married you because he loves you and he too could not see how demeaning his mother and sister will act once you guys were married. He is not the bad guy in this all. His mother and his sister are.

I really dont know how to make them shut up. Maybe you could think of something together with your husband. You guys could say/lie that your parents transferrred money into your joint account and that dowry was paid to you and your husband directly. Since you are living in the States and need to build up a life there, you will use this money for a better future for your child and your husband... just an idea... dont know if this could work...

So, try to stop fighting with your husband. Show him some understanding and talk your problems out with him...

best of luck...

 

Dear, first of all, hugs for u... dont feel lonely... we are here for u

about ur problem... i read ur post 2 time and i could feel that the dowry issue is the one root cause of the problems. other than that, i cudnt see anything that he hid from u... were there?

i think what you need to do is to hire a help or get a baby sitter who will look after the kid for a few hours. in that time, prepare your CV and for the interviews.

you should start working.. not because ur DH wants u to, but because it will give u a lot of self confidence. you will get away from the stuffy environment @ home and make new friends... have a new life out of home.

once you start working, make sure you keep that help so that you dont have to do too much at home.

if your DH ever complains about it, u can just say that he only wanted u to work!

about ur ILs, if i m correct, they dont live with u. so try ur best to just ignore them when they say all that about dowry. if it gets too much then just say that ur DH earns enough to provide for you, so u didnt bring dowry. that shud shut them up cz ur MiL cant say that her son is not capable of supporting his wife! :thumbsup


also, dont try to please ur ILs... we cant make everyone happy.

its always better to stay away from toxic people, as much as we can

Love n Hugs

 

Hi
Your husband spoke up for you and he didnt ask for dowry. If there 2 are true then I think you really dont have a problem, you are just creating a problem. Instead of ignoring your useless inlaws and NOT CALLING THEM HERE, you have seriously solved your problem.
Just set a good routine for your kid to sleep for 2-3 hours in the afternoon and prepare for job.
Get a friend in the apartment and pay a minimal amount and leave the kid there if you want to go for interviews.
About your DH ignoring you, please stop fighting and whining to him about his family. You are pushing him into his shell

 

Dear ksri,

I really feel sorry for your situation but if you want my honest opinion, I do not think it's just your MIL,SIL and your husband's fault here. You are equally responsible for your current situation, in fact more.
When your SIL,MIL comment you, on not bringing any dowry, you should be feel proud about yourself and be happy that monetary matters did not play any role in your marriage. On the top of that your husband is completely supporting you. Do you have any idea how many women dream of such wedding and life?

If I were you, I will completely ignore my MIL/SIL and the dowry nonsense that they talk about. Seriously if I were you, I will laugh it off with such a supporting husband.
Like other ilites suggested, if you do not give a peaceful and happy home to your DH, then he will obviously go in search of them.
Why are you wasting your energies in crying about your MIL/SIL? Instead, why don't you utilize your energy in making a peaceful home.
Your husband must be as much frustrated as you are about his family members. You call your husband a cheater. Please step into my shoes, you will know what cheating is. I can assure you that you will run to your husband with out a second thought. It's not your husband putting pressure on you to get a job, with such a rescission around, you need to feel responsible to get a job and provide financial security to your family.
Give your husband a peaceful home and he will not go out to spend with his friends. Put an extra effort to search for jobs and he will help you to take care of the baby.
Why don't you take the first step forward to make your life happy?

 

i understand that ur MiL is rather money minded, but i guess she was just making a statement here. she indeed didnt know about it.

its not my place to comment... but i think u shudnt have let your parents buy each and everything for u. even the furniture u didnt have them buy for u just bcz u wanted it bought locally.

its very cheap of her to take things without informing you... but may be she thinks she is taking it from her parents (as u had shipped everything to ur ILs before shifting to US)

Sweetheart, i think its the duty for each child to provide for his/her parents. i dont see anything wrong in a man wishing to pamper his parents or siblings. i have a younger sister and i love to buy things for her even though she is well provided for by my father... and obviously, i take money from my DH as i m not working right now.

Why do u want them to come? just so that u can start working? dont u think its rather selfish? its like u r trying to get a free stay at home child care...

and why shouldnt your DH talk to his mother???? my MiL has not bothered to call me even once to ask about my well being during my pregnancy (she lives with m BiL, just 30 kms away). she visits only to sleep whole day and curse my child (as u can see in my ticker, i m pregnant) ... but that does not mean that my DH should stop talking to her. she is after all his mother. how can i expect him to cut off from her?

if u try to stop ur DH from talking to his mother, it will only backfire. plz dont do it..

i know u r just venting out. even i do that sometimes in the forum... but sweetheart, you must count your blessings. you have a man who loves you and he has never asked u to bring money from home etc. give him a breather. dont make him feel like he is caught between a rock and a hard place. let him deal with his parents/sibling on his own.

and remember, no one can ruin u unless u let them get a hold on ur mind.

ur ILs are not even around u!!! and u will only make things worse if u ask them to stay with u just so that u can start working again....

think carefully, are u feeling suffocated cz u have had to give up ur lifestyle? if yes, then go ahead, get a job as i said earlier and regain that confidence. lots of working couples raise a child all on their own. most couples in US do it...


i wish u all the best!

Hugs!

 

Ksri,

I am not going to comment on the Dowry thing as I haven't been through that......My in-laws are very rich and they love to flaunt their money and property but they DO NOT expect any monetary help from us....

But as far as their coming to your house and helping you is concerned, well forget it. Your husband went against their wishes to marry you and why should you have expectation from them?

Trust me, I was on your shoes few yrs back....I had a very demanding job and my DH being a doctor was never at home. I had an infant who had severe acid reflux problem. My mom came and helped me for 6 months and when she left, I had to resign my job to stay at home......It was very frustrating with nobody to help me out. My in-laws didn't come initially but after 5 months, they did come and stayed for 3 months. You know my MIL didn't lift a finger and I had to do everything.

I was so sad and broken. I took a new resolution........I stopped complaining about them to my husband. I stopped all sorts of expectations from them. I DO NOT expect anything from them. And in return, I mentally detached myself from them.

They come to my house every year and stay for 2 months but now their presence does not bother me.......They ARE NOT my responsibilty. I am usually up until 2:00 AM every night for work and I have made it a point that when they are here, they SHOULD NOT expect me to cook breakfast because I can't get up early.

I carry on with my life....I keep saying "hi", "bye", something here and there but with time I have learnt to stand up for myself. I don't tolerate their NONSENSE anymore.

If your MIL talks about dowry, then ask her to shut up. If she wants money, tell her to EARN it herself. I just don't understand all these women who sit and think their DILs are going to bring bags full of money.

You have to learn to stand up to your SIL too.

I must say that you are being too hard on your husband. Think from his angle, his own mom does not care for him and makes his life miserable....and if you don't understand him too, who will?

Please take care of your family, your child and DH, they come first. If your in-laws don't change even if after your telling them, just ignore them and avoid talking to them too much.

Best,

--Bubai

 

Dear krsi

LET GO. Let go of your hatred towards your inlaws, because it will only spoil your marriage further. And it is not worth it. Really.

You have a loving and caring husband, who, very normally also loves his mother. It is the most normal thing in the world. Even if his mom treats him shabbily he will still love her. His love for her is unconditional. You can not change it and if you go inbetween, you will be the one losing out. So forget your inlaws, or how they tried your husband, concentrate on your marriage.

I know it is hard to forget whatever went wrong with your MIL, but for the sake of your husband and for the sake of your marriage. Let bygones be bygones. Dont get irrated by what she is saying, she is only out to make your life miserable, because she did not get want she wanted (dowry). So treat her like a little kid who did not get her toy and stand above the situation. Let the childish thoughts be and be happy that your hubby is so good. IMO.

 

ksre82,
Keep faith in your self. keep in touch with technology. Once you are comfortable with your responsibities with kid then you can get back to Job. I will not say it will be easy but it is not impossible either. I did it so can you and I had hugh gap 9 years. But at mean time never forget who you are. never loose self respect that will keep you going...