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Looking For An Alternate Perspective

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by papoosh, Jun 27, 2017.

  1. papoosh

    papoosh Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you so much for all your responses. I needed to get those feelings off my chest and listening to all your words of advice definitely helped calm me down.

    To give you a slightly clearer picture of our situation at home.. We do have a 24/7 live in attendant who is responsible for taking care of him physically (help with food, medications etc). However, it does get difficult for them as he resists every single effort made including being violent and I or my husband have to intervene at most instances.

    In terms of my FIL, the reason I'm unable to let this go completely is also because I've seen him at home over the years and know that his behaviors are a combination of his sickness and him taking advantage of his diagnosis for others. For example, his violence is always directed towards me/maid even when the triggers/solution etc are the same.
    Also, behaving a certain way when we are watching and another when we aren't (we have a camera to monitor). He also can't hear very well in spite of a hearing aid even when we're speaking directly to him, but, at times when we're discussing him in soft voices when he's in his bedroom and we're in the drawing room, he's able to figure out what we're saying even without his hearing aids.

    He is pretty active on social networks and email and since we monitor them, we've found him sending emails and then deleting them later if my husband's behavior in any way indicates that he knows about such emails.
    For example, he once sent an email talking about food/lack of it to someone that my husband saw. Next morning, my husband was a little hurt and upset. Within hours the email was deleted. And he checked with relatives if it was possible for other people to read his email.
    This apart, there are multiple instances where we (more because I spend more time with him than my husband) feel that some of his behaviors are not thanks to the disease. This makes it difficult to brush it all off as just quirks of living with Alzheimer's.

    In terms of keeping him occupied, we do a lot as a family that almost completely revolves around him. We haven't taken a holiday in 3 years except one with him because it will mean leaving him in a facility. He gets all the magazines, newspapers he wants to read. We go out almost every single weekend to the only restaurant that he loves. My husband ensures he spends time with him every single day unless he's back after bed time. These are small examples among others.

    The reason I'm writing these here is while I've tried over the last 7 years to speak to people, doctors, do my research on Alzheimer's and it's related changes in individuals (not related to memory), I find very little specific to the Indian context. These situations are dealt with very differently abroad and even the medical fraternity here seems to be at a loss. Quick example.. We'd been to the doctor for my FIL the other day and the doctor suggested that some medications needed to be changed and for them to be given earlier too. Since this would have been met with huge issues at home, we figured the doctor telling my FIL would ensure smoother acceptance. However, seeing my FIL get extremely agitated, the doctor backed off and asked us to let it be for now AT THE COST OF REDUCED EFFICACY OF THE MEDICATION. And this was one of the few geriatricians in my city.
    Sandycandy since you mentioned your family with a history of dementia, did you find support here? Were there any resources you reached out to?

    Thanks so much
     
  2. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Papoosh, as you have realized geriatric medicine is really underdeveloped in India and that was one of our biggest frustrations managing my grandfather. We had some doctors in the family that helped out a bit with his treatment plan . As regards to Alzheimer's, the focus primarily was to keep his brain as active as possible and free of any negativity . The behavioral changes had started early on and were very similar to what your FIL is exhibiting . He would tell others that he was not well taken care of or lie about inconsequential things . His behavior was also directed towards some family members vs the others. His favorite son was still his favorite inspite of progressing Alzheimer's ( the "bad" DIL was still the least favorite :) . So I still feel that your FIL's behavior is a manifestation of his Alzheimer's and not necessarily directed towards you.
    With regards to the violent behavior , we dealt with it as well and it was really difficult when he had to admitted to the hospital or have his blood drawn. If the violent behavior goes out of hand , do ask the doctor to prescribe medications that would calm him down . My grandfather was prescribed sleeping pills and that really helped him ( and others).
    The last few months of his life he had suddenly calmed down and would only smile , so expect changes in behavior anytime .
    If the violent episodes get worse , are you ok with him being in a facility 24/7 that is well equipped to take care of patients like him ? I would highly recommend it, the only thing is make sure that you visit him often since senior citizens are very vulnerable to abuse by their caretakers .
    I highly recommend that you as a family involve yourselves in activities that are not centered around the FIL. It can get overwhelming to have him be the focus of your lives 24/7. Also leaving him in a facility for a couple of days is not a bad idea , you need to take a break as well. My dad took turns with his other siblings ( both sons and daughters ) so that way it was not overwhelming for one family. Ofcourse there were some that were less eager than others to take on his responsibility . We did it in 3 month rotations , So ask any of your husband's siblings to pitch in.
    I don't know if it would be fair to deny his access to emails or the computer but please let all his contacts know that he is suffering from Alzheimer's and might have behavioral issues.
    Please take care!
     
  3. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    What you are going through is indeed a very difficult thing. You have been patient and now you feel frustrated as it just seems never ending and not progressing in the right direction either.

    From personal experience, I have seen people with this kind of illness being violent, manipulative, angry, imaginative, insecured, scared, even lie or exaggerate, etc.

    Many of your stories relates to it too including the lies, hearing aid, different behaviours, violence, taking advantage, etc. They never diagnosed anything proper medically during that time, if it's still this bad now, imagine then, they will just say that they have lost their sanity. But there were nurse n doctor friends who used to come over for home cares. They are highly insecured which brings in the rest of the bad characteristics and makes our work of handling them even more difficult.

    Even if you are convinced that he's a conniving evil man, what are your real options here?

    Can you or your dh talk to him and change him? Will he understand and accept?

    Is your dh going to accept for him to be put in a facility? Will your fil stay? If yes, that's one option for you.

    Stop taking him seriously, completely.
    And broadcast to his whole circle about his medical condition asking for a good doctor reference, so they stop taking him seriously too (cover everyone in his email/ phone list)

    Get stronger effective meds/ treatment - since he gets aggravated abt it, is there a way you can mix it in his food or put it in his medicine box, basically in anyway without him knowing.
    Why did the doctor get scared when your fil got aggravated? Did he not believe in his own treatment? Why didn't he explain in a way he can understand?

    As impossible or difficult as it may seem, it's important to continue to live your life too. That will give you positive energy to handle anything.

    Stepping out also means, stepping out just as a couple for a nice dinner and another time with your son. Taking your fil is appreciative but make sure that it doesn't happen 'only' with him. Go for movies as a couple or along with you son. Basically try to take time out as a couple and then with your son and then with your fil. Go for long drives or book into a resort in the same city for a single night or a day. Then Slowly increase your hours n days of vacations. We human need our breaks and it's important too
     
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  4. Minion

    Minion Platinum IL'ite

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    You have no clue what people do to get attention and prove their point, he is plain manipulative.
     
  5. Minion

    Minion Platinum IL'ite

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    To all the members who are sympathetic to the OP' FIL this is my message. When you are hail and healthy treat others with respect and dignity live a life so that others can learn good values from your life if you fail to do that and try to manipulate others and live a meaningless life and expect sympathy and care when you are week and old only god can help you noone can.
     

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