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Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by chikkuk66, Feb 21, 2014.

  1. Feb 21, 2014 #1
    chikkuk66

    chikkuk66 New IL'ite

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    HI All

    I have read a lot of posts here..

    Am looking for advice.

    I have got love marriage now of 6 years, my hubby moved out of the house right after marriage then moved out of the country. We settled in US and now have 2 kids. My in laws like to visit us every six months but this time my hubby did not want them to come but they had already done their tickets and came.

    3 months of them being here there are lot of differences between the mother and son and I tried to be formal one try to patch but they both are stubborn and in fight mode. More so it is like 2 different families living. My husband wanted to prepone their ticket to send them back but they bought a non changeable ticket. He is thinking of buying a one way ticket for them, though my issue is not the money, it is that my mil always said that our dil took the son away from us.

    Also that i am not good wife, mother because i am working mom of 2 and leave my kids with a nanny. We have a nanny here in US but like living in US the way nannies are treated is different than india and they are not able to adjust to that. They expect her to 24 hrs maid like back home and have objection that she had that much to eat etc.

    I have tried to balance betwen son and his mother though both are not in talking terms with each other. She still blames that we never taught this to our son and he was not like this trying to tell me that i have made him that way......

    Not sure what to do should i agree with husband to send them back though on their orgnal ticket they have 3 mts left.
     
    chikkuk66, Feb 21, 2014
    chikkuk66, Feb 21, 2014
    #1
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  2. Feb 21, 2014 #2
    Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    One advice - don't say anything. Both mil and DH are adults. Let them sort out their differences themselves. Also don't support one or the other openly. Mom and Son will patch up in time and I'm sure whatever you say or do the other person can get offended.
    Dont let this get in the way of your relationship with your husband or with mil.
    Regarding the DIL taking son away, she knows that's not true and so do you. Just ignore such rants. If possible take your mil out alone on a shopping spree and on the drive back explain the nanny thing to her. That's what I do.
     
    Laks09, Feb 21, 2014
    Laks09, Feb 21, 2014
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  3. Feb 21, 2014 #3
    yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    She is blaming you because she doesn't want to accept that it is her son who has the problem with them.Don't interfere and always stand by the person you have to live your life with.

    Let him deal with them .No matter how much you try to patch things between them,you will always be the one getting the blame...so stay out.

    As for the nanny situation.....tell them she is not a maid and don't let them interfere with your day to day affairs.

    As for them calling you a bad wife....let them say whatever .....think your husband sending them home early because they behave like this.

    If he wants them to leave.....he has had enough and keeping them together longer may cause trouble between them. Next time they will plan accordingly....or behave better .
     
    yellowmango, Feb 21, 2014
    yellowmango, Feb 21, 2014
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  4. Feb 21, 2014 #4
    yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Sorry....double post.
     
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2014
    yellowmango, Feb 21, 2014
    yellowmango, Feb 21, 2014
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  5. Feb 21, 2014 #5
    DKI

    DKI Platinum IL'ite

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    Its sad when its the son himself who wishes parents did not visit. This is usually the DIL's who have this wish. In my home too its the same. He loves for them to visit, or to visit India. But by day 3 he wishes he did not have to be around them. The main issue is that they forget that we have a different way of living. Their son is no longer that 10 year old boy who needs their permission for everything or needs to consult with them for everything. Last year we were in India. He was there for 5 weeks. Out of those 5 weeks, for 10 days he was alone with them while I was in my parents place. 2 days into that stay he called me up and said that had we not planned a side trip on his return journey, he would have pre-poned his ticket and come back here.

    Now we are planning on doing their GC for them. I will never open my mouth as the above posters have said - they will fight and they will patch up, if we open our mouth during the fight, we are the villains in the picture. When ever a discussion has a potential to get very vocal and loud, I find a reason to excuse myself, and I find something for my son to do. Has worked everytime, and later when either side asks me what my opinion is I can honestly say no opinion since I did not hear what the issue is.
     
    DKI, Feb 21, 2014
    DKI, Feb 21, 2014
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  6. Feb 25, 2014 #6
    chikkuk66

    chikkuk66 New IL'ite

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    Thanks for you all of your advice. I did that for 2 days not say anyhting to each of them and today my DH is like you get their tickets preponned and send them back and also tell them that we are sending them back. My issue is how do i do that given my situation that neither DH nor my MIL are talking to each other but if i get to become the messenger i will again be blamed...what do i do
     
    chikkuk66, Feb 25, 2014
    chikkuk66, Feb 25, 2014
    #6
  7. Feb 25, 2014 #7
    1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Dont do anything. Sit tight. You can say you are very busy with work and couldnt find time. Tell him to book the tickets and tell them himself. If he pushes you tell him that you dont want to interfere in this matter.

    I think he wants them to leave asap because he is afraid your Nanny will quit otherwise. How is Nanny situation?
     
    1Sandhya, Feb 25, 2014
    1Sandhya, Feb 25, 2014
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  8. Feb 25, 2014 #8
    Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I would say to DH, "I love you and respect you and your parents are the reason you are here today. I will not do either. I do respect them. If you have issues, you should deal with it yourself." I would ignore all his rants about Mom, if I were you. If they are not talking to each other, let him write to her. If you open your mouth, you will be in a very difficult spot.
     
    Laks09, Feb 25, 2014
    Laks09, Feb 25, 2014
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  9. Feb 25, 2014 #9
    sheztheone

    sheztheone Platinum IL'ite

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    If it bothers you a lot and makes you feel guilty (for no actual reason though), you can talk to DH in private about this. Never get into discussion/arguments between mother and son.

    My MIL will openly argue with her son and even accept to me that he made mistakes etc. but at the end of the day, blood is thicker than water. If the son does 10 things she does not like and 1 thing that she likes, she will praise him sky-high for that. If I do 10 things for them and just 1 thing that she does not approve of, she will forget the 10 and choose to criticize me for the 1 thing.

    You can tell MIL that you honestly do not have any issues with their staying here and will take care of them, and that you do not want to interfere in mom-son arguments.
     
    sheztheone, Feb 25, 2014
    sheztheone, Feb 25, 2014
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