Looking at husband only as Father of your child

You are angry, you lost trust on him, you hate him, and you have no affection for him.

You don't wanna share your bed with him, you can't compromise or accept who he is.

Now that you have a valid point for all this. Your husband has cheated on you. This is not something to forget or forgive. Not everyone can do this.

Your mom and many others give you practical advice, that is to adjust, compromise and bite your tongue for sometimes while he changes. It takes time. It doesn't mean faking a marriage with husband. It means trying to live a life with husband despite of the hiccups.
Some people like me do succeed after this transition, whereas many people end up realizing their limits; hence quit without any guilt.
Even courts advises the same. Because no one wants a marriage to end just like that.

You are not adjusting in this marriage for the purpose of working this out. Rather you are faking a marriage to the community.

In this process, you fail to understand that your son and husband are real, and they are not faking. Your husband genuinely coming near you for intimacy. If he knows that you are faking, he would show a complete different face which would be serious. Because you have a pressing social reason to fake a marriage and have a male support. But not him.

Dont expect him to realize his mistakes like your dad and be apologetic to you. Different personalities, different way of approaches. You must understand what works best between you guys.

If not, the best option is separation... Don't fake a marriage unless you really like to be married. I know you understand what is to be married.

 

Hello Priyanka,

I have not read your previous posts. I am not sure how much big your problems are, and how much you suffered due to your husband EMA etc.
If you are in combined family with inlaws, it is very tough for you based on what you said at current situation.
i wont suggest you to give another try -
if your husband mentally or physically tortures you, if your day today life becomes really unmanageable etc. he insults you or creating big problems.
or in fact being in same house, if he is of no help or support to you etc.
he keeps restrictions that you cant meet people or your own family or even talk ....

you mentioned about just staying with him, thinking him as your kids dad.
as some IL said, at some point every woman faces this situation. if you had bad fights with hubby and not communicating, you still stay for your kid for sometime, i am not sure if you have to live like that for ever. its upto you.

in my case , the issues are not EMA or major. but ILS communication, rules and traditions etc..
there were 2 issues.
one was INLAWS. which as i said only after 10 yrs, today he scolds them and supports me.
second was when i had first kid, my inlaws and husband criticiszed me badly first 1 yr pin pointing so many things. at same time they didnt help but only created fights.

i lived not expecting anything from husband and not starting any topic which will only end up in fight.
i tried doing all things on my own,,,and only expecting him to love my kid. for 2 yrs my kid was my life and didnt think.

major realization for my husband was- his sister also had kid same time as us. we had get together and in those 10 days my husband saw how worst my SIL kid was raised, and HOW excellent habits my son got. i am not boasting about myself, but just that I WAS NOT AS bad as my MIL and SIL created. i was much better than them in taking care of kid.
so my husband slowly realized my hard working nature and started liking me.

SOME MEN compares wife with Mother and Sisters. first few months of marriage only they kind of develop negative impression that wife is waste lazy person and his mother and sisters are the best.
it took me years to change that impression of my husband.

 

Priyanka, I did it. I apologize for that.

 

Hello Priyanka,

Have been thinking about your question for some time now.

There are many issues that you are battling simultaneously and they cause you to go around in circles with no resolution. Negativity from each issue is combining to create one big huge cloud you can't seem to push away.

Your child's father will remain his father irrespective of your relationship with him.

Please take some time alone to evaluate your expectations from life.

What you want to achieve, how do you want your life to be after a few years. what do you expect from your partner, what are your future long term plans. How do you see your relationship with your son develop as he grows into an adult, what are your plans to take care of your future in absence of your son husband and parents family etc.

Evaluate your life as an individual.

We often make this mistake of assuming that marriage is be all and end all of existence and husband is the center of our lives. Our society also reinforces this. This is slowly changing and such change takes time and of course have opposition from the vested interest in society.

We are products of our inherent nature and environment in which we were raised. This will always influence our thoughts and action.

Your insecurity and expectations with respect to your in-laws is to an extent influenced by your mother's experience and the way she went about and what you saw her go through with your father in your childhood.

You dint want that for yourself.

Looking at your husband only as your child's father and staying in this marriage without participating in it completely is cheating yourself and your husband of a fulfilled life and will definitely affect your child's view of married life.

Okay so you stay in this sham marriage what happens when either of you finds your true soul mate somebody who you feel and find meets all your expectations as a life partner. What will you do then.

I personally know of a few cases of both kind within family & friends.

One is a cousin aunt - love marriage lot of influence from both sets of parents many expectations etc ended in a divorce with she getting custody of the child. Today that same aunt is causing problems in the married life of her son so much so that his wife has walked out.

Then is another uncle and aunt. There were many problems including inlaws etc she stayed in the marriage for her son inspite of some support from her family to leave. Today they have finally separated after the son got married. He is abroad and is planning to get his mother with him and treats his wife like a queen. My aunt is now making life hell for uncle by dragging the case and asking for more as she feels she deserves much more for all that she has to suffer.

Another uncle aunt stayed together for their children, raised them well both are married but the daughter was always worried about married life. Her husband is a gem and has become part of the family. The son is also happily married has learnt to keep his wife happy. They live a few buildings apart . but is always worried and concerned about his mother. Both uncle and aunt have lifestyle ailments like BP, deibetes etc. Both are not happy with their lives and I know that the children are always cautious around them.

A very dear friend had a love marriage 3-4 years courtship etc.. Nobody thought that the guy was worth her but still it happened. In a few months he showed his colours in-laws problems he was emotionally and then physically abusive. They had a daughter. She finally decided to end the daily nonsense. They divorced had a long bitter almost custody battle. She had the support of her family made her life again is a successful professional and a super Mum too. Her daughter is a well adjusted child and has good relations with her father.

In case of another friend similarly the child has had a better environment and is a very happy child.

Some of my classmates from school had love / arranged marriages but then decided to separate/ divorce in the interest of their children and have been able to live their lives happily and provide a nurturing environments for their children irrespective of their fathers involvement. They are all successful professionals. One of them has recently remarried with the blessings of her daughters.

Priyanka in your latest post you have said that you want trust and confidence. Your husband also knows that this is the key but is not able to bring himself to do the needful - this is the main issue and it does not seem possible for him to compromise and accept his mistake.

I would once again ask you to carefully evaluate your expectations from your partner and then evaluate if your husband can meet those.

Please work out how you will deal with the situation if your husband is not able to meet your minimum expectations.

Also if you do reach a compromise and he accepts his mistake and works towards meeting some of your important expectations please do not ever bring up the past . please wipe the slate clean.

I wish you peace.

Mani

 

First of all, not every marriage is like this.
Love, respect, affection and care is utmost important for every marriage to run smoothly. Sadly some women sail in bad marriage for social or whatever the reasons. They accept it as fate, and their spouses take it as an advantage. There are bad women who are the primary reason behind marital disharmony as well. Every marriage is unique.

It is true every marriage has its own dark times, but it doesn't mean the core, fundamental principles of marriage like trust, love, sex, wanting each other, should be missing. There could be always other problems like incompatibilities, misunderstanding etc..etc... as there is no life with no issue.

If you want this marriage to work, then you should change, you should work, you should compromise, you should make the lead and adjust and wait. But in this case, it seems you want this marriage to work but expect all the miracles to happen from your husband's side. Whereas, your husband doesn't seem to have any interest in this marriage, as he seems perfectly fine with his parents.

Priyanka... Since you have quoted that your husband is all ok without you, and he is not that interested working in this marriage with you, I don't think he would volunteer to bend over backward to please you, so that you both can live peacefully. Are you crazy to expect this?
This will never happen. Period.

However, if you are that stubborn to live a life with this coward husband for whatever the reason, then make an effort to change him a normal being. It is not impossible though not easy. It is a tough task. You should be highly determined to win his heart and change him to be a man of your dreams. Of course it takes time, so you definitely needs some patience. If you are ready, and your man is worth all such efforts, then go for it. Else, simply opt for a separation and rest with a simple life.

Remember.... Don't expect him to change because you want a marriage with him. At this moment, he doesn't want a marriage with you as the way you want it.

 

Prinyanka,

you lived with in-laws for 5 years and moved out just 11/2 year back.It will take a long time to heal things,

You trying to fix things fast,so just slow down and take a deep breath.
For time being don't expect anything from your husband,just be yourself.I believe first you need to recover yourself from you 6 years trauma before fixing other things.

So go slow.