Looking at husband only as Father of your child

I feel as women, we are very relationship oriented and often interconnect many relationships. It is surely not easy to disconnect the spouse from the father role but trying to achieve it will help you let go of the revengeful tendency.. I can only speculate cos I am not in your position but if I was I would've found it very very difficult.

In our society where women are always at a disadvantage in most relationships, only in a mothers role do women find power over their children. But how we deal with this power is in our hands.. Life has dealt you this set of cards but what you wil do with it is your choice.. As a wife with an inconsiderate husband you can either block your husband out of your children's lives cos it is the only revenge you can extract or you can separate the two relationships out and deal with them separately.. You can decide not to allow your husbands treatment of you to affect his relationship with the children but it requires you to have the largeness of heart and maturity.. I would find it difficult to do but it is the right thing to do..

Iv seen my own MIL do this. .her husband has never treated her well and so she has brainwashed all her sons into believing he is a very bad person and has ensured they dint have much contact with the father's extended family either.. So all the sons dislike their dad n have only bad things to say for their paternal relatives but nice things for their mom n her relatives.. I don't blame her cos its not like her in-laws and husband were nice to her.. But using the power she had over her children to spoil their relationships with their dad and his family cannot give her any great solace or relief.. It is just a form of revenge and passive aggressive behaviour..

I hope you are able to sort out issues with your husband but pls try to wilfully commit that you wil not let it affect his relationship as a father.. He needs to make this commitment too.. All the best..

 

Hello Priyanka,

Great thought and appreciate ur thinking. U r absolutely correct and it will be possible but depends on ur hubby. What's the gap between u and ur hubby.
When my 1st kid born, i had many fights with my hubby and he would never support me anything infront of inlaws.
So at one point i burried all my expectations from my hubby and only think him as my child's father. donno why but I never felt sad or what ever coz I used to think anything keeping my son in mind.
I made friends with his daycare friends parents
I cut down friends with ladies who wouldn't be patient and scolded him.
Food habits , cutting down tv..

My husband only used ti show affection, dint do any help in taking care of son, still I would only ask him to play with son. Son used to enjoy and happy.

How ever never let son alone go to his dad side relatives without me.
Once my SIL wasn't talking still when my husband insisted my son should go her house, I too went even though she dint invite
I dint think abt my self respect, sacrificed it for my son. Coz I can't make him go alone to dad side and I was always adamant abt that.
My husband slowly changed , supports me now in inlaws case. All the best and wish u success.

 

Dear Priyanka,

I guess many of us would have come across similar situation...

I am a working woman and after my son was born, I was on maternity leave and then my husband was not giving much time to me.. but was acting as a good father though.. I discussed many times.. but no change or little change.. then I joined back office.. but sequence of activities were happening.. many due to ILs and gap was increasing between us...there was a time.. same blame game started increasing.. and at any time.. I dont want this blame game.. because in an yr or two.. my son will start understanding these and I want him to see us as parents.. not just mom and dad... (one unit)

I discussed this with hubby.. he also agreed but we were not able to make up much but later I realized till the time we dont have feelings for us again, nothing else is going to work.. we need to have love back in our hearts... so I started making efforts in that direction only.. though was tough initially as i dint want to.. but once I started... he also started showing interest, enthu, love... so its just that who break the ice...

one most imp thing when even we were having bad time as partners.. still I never thought of seperating as whatever is d reason... he is a good father.. and by any means.. i cannot complete that relation.. I want my son to get love of every relation... But we need to atleast bring the relationship to the level we are not criticizing each other in front of kids...

 

@mcutiepie, what to do if your DH is not ready to listen to you. If he tells your son that don't listen to your mom as she is always wrong. If he brings up nonsense from fights in front of your son and want you to admit sorry in front of kid even though you are not at fault.
@priyanka, I can understand your pain as I am going through same hell. My DH spends time with my 6 yr old and feed him that I am the one who always fight so he should not ever listen to me. I can't see my kid being spoiled and yes I insist on that part. My DH uses this to feed negative for me. I will start going to counseller this weekend.

 

i m alsop in same situation.. wish my h also comes t my side n support in front f in laws..

 

Dear @Priyanka12345

I am responding what I was about to write in your PM. So that others could agree or disagree with me.

From your posts, I see yours is a very unique problem. It is not just a stubborn husband, EMA or in laws. I see many more red flags than this. Sadly some of the red flags starts with you as well...

Don't get me wrong. I've spend so much time in responding to you, and now also I am trying to understand you only.

- You said that you are from a dysfunctional family where your mom and dad lived for the social sake only. Your dad was at wrong, so your mom was revengeful. But your dad apparently accepted his mistakes; thus silently underwent his wife's reasonable revengeful treatments. You, as a child of this marriage was raised in this set up witnessing all.
Now your mom constantly advising you against divorce, but to live for the social sake only. Which means, don't love, don't have affection or love, hate, revenge etc... but live under one roof, go for shopping and parties so that the community sees you together.
You strongly believe, living under one roof like this will benefit your child.

But you have stopped being a wife to your husband since a year. You have stopped sharing his bed, listening to him wholeheartedly or doing things with him. It is like either you are forced, or you do calculatedly. So expect something in return.
Eg: If I am to come to in laws place this time, you are expected to come parents house next time. Else, I will seize to come in laws come.
If you didnt come my cousins' house this time, I will not come your cousins' house next time.
Gaming....

- You are unable to let go of the past
Your husband has committed a great mistake. Having an EMA to some extend. Not sure whether it was emotional or physical or something gray in between.
I am not sure how was your marriage around that time.

You seem to be on constantly in a punishing mode. Like "i would make him completely starve, so that he will listen to me". I don't know from where did you learnt this?
And not sure your husband's EMA was a result of your drama?

PS: I am not an EMA supporter, and I, myself can't excuse my H if he is on your H's shoes. That's a diff story.

- You are uncertain about your own needs
What about your own sexual needs? You are also a young married woman. I remember once you stated about glaring your old lost friend from his FB profile, and feeling guilty. Isn't it bcz of your sexual starving for no reason?

If both of your minds are glaring at different people, then what is the point of being married?

From your recent posts/PMs to me, I see your husband is changing. Of course he hasn't changed fully and no one can change fully. If I were you, I would doubt of my husband displays a complete change.

Accept his changes, be open and speak out your issues without bringing every nitty gritty issues of the old cases. Forget the past, follow a beautiful future.

 

Priyanka,

Only after 10 yrs of marriage, last yr during my inlaws visit my husband supported me.