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Lonliness is frightening

Discussion in 'TV' started by vidyasarada, Jan 18, 2007.

  1. safa

    safa Bronze IL'ite

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    Old age is the second child hood. Parents who took care of us when we were children. Like that we have to take care of them when they are old. It is the nature's rule. What is the condition of a child, who has no one to take care? The elderly people suffer like that. Every one who is able to bring their parents to their living place must bring them to there. It is their right to enjoy the life with their children and grand children. If our children see their grand parents at home when they are young, and how you take care of them, they will think about you when we reach the same age. As Meenakrishnan said, 'I don't need anyone's help' is a 'veempu'.
     
  2. Manjureddy

    Manjureddy Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Kamla, Sudha,Meena,Safa,vidyasarada

    Thanx for the responses . I am overwhelmed by the patience you have shown me and the good spirit with which you have encountered my " rather harsh" letter. I have to confess here that hubby dearest was not too glad to see the "Villi-Vesham" in my last post. "How can you say such politically incorrect things in an open forum" he chided me ! Thank god , none of you brought out your brooms !
    I agree not all senior citizens are "grumpy old men". In fact, Sudha, I fell in love with that Swiss Grandma ! I, for one ,would surely like to follow her example in my own old age.
    As vidyasarada suggests, it wouldn't hurt to drop a kind word or two during social gatherings. But even good intentioned people often neglect old people living with them because one needs the patience of an angel to sit listening to their tales , which can easily move from "arthritis and unruly grandchildren" to Jalianwallabagh or Hyder-ali, who knows. Infact , at home, we often joke that if anyone starts a sentence with " Andha Kaalathuley naanga ellam," that person is officially Old ! ( Translation: "In good old days, when we").
    I think this thread is getting a bit too gloomy. I want to lighten it with a tiny tale I remember reading a couple of months ago in the Tamil Magazine, Anandha Vikatan:
    A housemaid dreads to go to work in a house when the mistress is away. She does not want to be caught alone with the Master, because of a bad experience. We think she is fearing a sexual assault. But the twist in the tail( tale)is that the Master is a doddering 90 year old who corners her to be his captive audience for his reminiscence about some bygone era . So thats what she feared !:mrgreen:

    Manjula
     
  3. sudhavnarasimhan

    sudhavnarasimhan Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Manjula,
    I dont think your post had a "villi tanam"....not at all...i know how old men , women are at old age homes etc....so that is okay....in fact i dont think their grumpiness comes loneliness....since they have so many inmates...it is a basic nature and insecuries of some people! You can tell your hubby that this is one big family, here in IL and we dont like to carry "Brooms", ...(anyway are these ancient things still available!..he he he):tongue
    Anyway to add more abt the Swiss Grandma....she read romantic novels till the end, used to write a lot and could argue at all levels, from the 1940s to now era! Also since she was a bengali, she would diligently partcipate the whole day in durga puja ,....but at the same time she was modern with a high bun, and sleeveless blouse, and ever ready twinkle in her eyes and a ready laughter on her face! She had written such lovely personal letters to the whole family, which the family members found after her death in her house....such loving gestures....and she had left all her sarees to her friends in the international club, who had admired them and to her maid too! And when she visited my friend every year she would make it a point to have Dosa in the only restaurant that was available here! Of course after i got to know her i would treat her with the south indian dishes!
    Oh how i miss her....though our interaction was very little, she was a gem of a personality......and she will remain forever in our memories!
    Here once again i have to thank you for having given me an opportunity to share this wonderful lady's personality ....so ....just keep your posts coming from the heart....
    And by the way the mini story couple of months ago, was it 1 minute story....if i remember right , it was by our own Varalotti,.....:)
     
  4. vidyasarada

    vidyasarada Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Manjula,
    One does not become a Villi for airing one's views frankly. Tell Hubby Dearest that your honesty is being appreciated here :)

    Dear Sudha,
    It was wonderful reading about the Bengali Lady. I remember my own Grandma here. She was also very sprightly till the end. One of those Sarvodaya activist types. She always wore 9 yards Madisaru saree but with a white sleeveless blouse only ! She played tennis and did yoga ( sirasasanam included) till she was 65+, learnt to driver a car at 68, wrote wonderful lengthy letters to all grandchildren ( in Tamil, Kannada, Hindi and English) discussed philosophy ( Shankara,Ramana and the Theosophists) with youngsters, she took in and cared for dozens of animals - cats, dogs and cows( and the occassional squirrel , bird and lamb too !). She died at 88 after a brief heart ailment. Just remembering her is a great tonic !

    VS
     
  5. vidhi

    vidhi Senior IL'ite

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    Loneliness

    Dear Vidya, Manju, Sudha, Kamla, Meena and safa

    All of your posts were great and made me think about it. Thank you vidya for starting the thread. Manju I liked your frankness, which indeed brought a balanced and thought provoking discussions from the others. This is what we really need. Meena I liked your post and it was well balanced. As you said mutual dependance is inevitable. Safa I could feel the compassion you have for the old people from your post. You are right we should set an example for our children. Sudha your example of your friend’s mil inspired me a lot. Thank you for sharing it with us. Yes we all love to be like her

    Manju as you said vanaprasthashrama is a very practical solution. But to accept vanaprasthashrama we again need the patience and courage to reach that level. It is not that easy as said. But yes it would be nice if we all make an attempt to understand that concept and live it. As Kamla said all of us will turn old but if we can do that with dignity, it would be great.

    Make an attempt to understand the loneliness itself is a very welcoming approach. I always remember an article written by Sri Sri Ravishankar in newindexpress.com. The article starts with Old people are no different from children! He says “Understand that they have a different set of experiences than yours. So don’t get upset if they don’t change! If you accept them as they are, a miracle will happen. If you give them space, love and compassion, they slowly start changing. But you need to have a lot of patience. You will learn patience dealing with old people, with grannies, who have certain patterns!”

    He also says in the end of the article “You are also going to be old one day, and are going to be like them. If you find that the elderly people in your home are complaining, and you don’t like it, you better not do it today, and if you see them as being so generous, so calm, so serene, so loving, you better start being that way right now”

    I am also giving you the link of the article below.
    http://www.newindpress.com/sunday/colItems.asp?ID=SEE20060413104353

    I just read your post about your grandma vidya. That is so nice of you to share it with us. I was so moved. You are lucky to have such great person as your grandma.

    regards
    vidhi


     
  6. sudhavnarasimhan

    sudhavnarasimhan Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Vidhya sarada,
    What a wonderful human being you grandma was! I would surely aspire to be like her....i can still feel the vibrant energy!( Guess what maybe i will learn car driving finally this year...i felt i have crossed that age long ago!:-D )
    I really admire such people with so much to give to everyone instead of being gloomy and just wallowing in self pity! Such positive people are what we need in this world and so ....
    Ladies/Gals/ and the evergreen sweet sixteens and seventeens.....please , now we can all grow up and get older ,to be kinder, more active, matured, dignfied grey future citizens of this world.....isnt my imagination painting a colorful personality.....well we all have to wait and see , after all we are all so young!:tongue
    But all said and done like Vidhi has pointed out this has become such an introspectve discussion , i am sure we all enjoyed thinking and letting ourselves feel , and decide how we want to lead our life when we grow old.....and arrive at conclusions like Sri Ravishankar ji has explained!
    thanks Vidhi for that article too.
     
  7. meenu

    meenu Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear VS , Meena, Manju and others. ,
    This discussion is becoming very interesting. Many people think old age is a curse but it is only a stage of life. While young we should develop hobbies like reading which will keep our mind active.Religious get togethers are a God sent way of activitiy in India. We should attune our minds to find some hobbies which will keep our mind young and active even when our bodies are too weak.Also accepting an old person who has seen more of life and giving a lending ear does help.As Manju said they can also be adamant.I liked Sri sri Ravi Shankars advice.
    Regards,
    Meenu
     
  8. Manjureddy

    Manjureddy Gold IL'ite

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    Hi all,
    Let us thank Vidhi for sharing Ravi Shankar's advice. " Accept people as they are " is a very good concept. It can be applied to anyone,is it not ? not just in case of old people. If we understand that the other person has a different approach to life and if we respect that person's right to have that view, our interaction in society becomes so much easier. Thats one of the first lessons in Transactional Analysis.

    Manjula
     
  9. Abha

    Abha Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: Loneliness is frightening

    hey ladies

    All your posts are really touching, and i have become really emotional...

    My parents are also very lonely now as me and my sister are now married, my sister is settled abroad, and i'm based in bangalore, but currently in US, it doesnt make a difference, cos in india bangalore is also quite far from delhi, and we cant visit very frequently...

    My father when young had a great passion of Bikes, and he was one Happening guy, but now as i see him, he just talks of his old days and just thinking of that he becomes cheerful.

    my mother is very good at knitting and embroidery, but now with weak eyes she cant do any of these...

    but they live in a neighbourhood, where everybody is of the same age as they are... everybody's children are married and settled elsewhere, not only daughter's but son's as well. thinking of this i feel some comfort, as they all are there for each other at this stage of life....

    my dad still loves driving and they usually go to the malls nearby and go out for lunches and dinners...

    its not only about my father and mother, even my mother-in-law and father-inlaw are very lonely as bother their sons live so far from them, my mother-in-law so fond of cooking but she has nobody to feed to, everytime she cooks something she wishes all of us cud be together, my father-in-law fond of sports but loves watching it with his sons, but sons are hardly around to share his joys and discuss sports with him...

    Sometimes i feel very bad as we are not close to them and cant take care of them as much as we should... they feel lonely sitting alone at home looking at walls... sometimes i feel that its their time to enjoy, as being servicemen, they were always providing for our education and our needs and then our marriages...
    and now is the time they can give to themselves, take walks together sit together talk about several aspects of life...

    this is the stage when they have grown fond of each other...

    Its the new generation's responsibilty to take care of our elders as they have when we were small... and this is the legacy we will pass to our children as well... they bank of values they gave us, we have to pass it to our children as well, so that they grow sensitive towards people's pains, and be kind towards everyone around them.
     
  10. Sriniketan

    Sriniketan IL Hall of Fame

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    I enjoyed reading all of your posts.
    As I am the only daughter and off in US after marriage, my parents are left alone in Chennai. My father's job required him to travel all over India. My mother loves to cook, learn new things in it, hand work, sing,paint, etc. she used to learn new things wherever my father has been posted. Moreover, my fahter is a fun loving person and my mother a shy women. But she will manage to get friends even in the new surroundings. After my father's retirement both got settled in Chennai and my mother jokingly pointed out that she is going to be in her in-laws house after my father's reitrement. (My father's sisters lived in my father's house.) My parents took care of my eldest aunt and uncle, elder aunt and uncle, elder aunt's co-sister and also my father's chitthi (cousin of my grand-ma). He also did the last rites to his chitthi, his elder sister and also his eldest attimber, his elder attimber.
    After the house is sold my father decided to move out of that house and deposited some money in an Ashram where they perform the thidhi evey year in the name of his elder sister and attimber. his elder sister is with her daughter with manni.. All of them are old now. After the house has been sold he wants to make sure that he is not leaving alone his elder sister and manni. He went and talked with his niece and her in-laws before leaving them there.
    he is member of Chinmaya Mission and he loves to teach children VishnuSahasranama, Bhagawad Gita and other slokas. he is also a member in Arya Samaj and arranges lectures and takes care of everything. He is an active member. My mother used to teach Soundaryalahari in a temple. Every day they keep themselves busy with the schedules of their own, like chanting 1 chapter daily in Gita, Narayaneeyam, etc and in the meantime they want TV too. My mother goes to the nearby temple daily. They are avid readers and as they are also spiritual in nature, my aunt (chitthi) commented that they are spending their lives usefully. Still my mother learns new cooking things and passes on secrets to me. In spite of these things I feel that they are lonely. We even asked them to come and stay here which they refused.
    My parents told me that don't leave your mil in an old-age home. Be patient, etc. It is their advice i am taking into account, eventhough she is kind of a person ManjuReddy had mentioned.
    Very long letter indeed. What i learnt from them is how to accept old age with grace and enthusiasim and leave it to God and He will look after everything and also keep oneself busy with good thoughts and deeds. As a matter of fact where will the loneliness be if you keep yourself busy.

    Sriniketan
     
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2007

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