Long distance marriage and how to keep marriage kindled!!!

I was in India and my husband in US from dec 2009- july 2010 and I was pregnant at tat time it was a decision I made consciously for a number of factors.......and its not just money which led to this.......

So to answer ur questions......... we had huge phone bills.......used to video chat over the weekends........even so far apart we knew each others routines.......i used to wake him up and he used to wake me up (the time diff was a boon!!)

lots of sweet nothing mails.........

we used to share a lot of our frustrations also...... in short it was like we were together just not physically together........

enjoy ur marriage.......no matter what surprises it throws at u

 

Tugga,

It's not as easy as it looks. What if the guy/girl has interfering ILS like I do?? What if the guy is pretty sure he can afford a better life in this country than back home. It's just temporary separation.I don't know it can just be anything other than money/career. I say this because am in this country not for career or for money. Me and my DH stay apart not for money/career.

I am here because my dearest sister is here and 90% of my buddies are here,all my cousins are here. I always always wanted to be as close to my sister as possible. Me and my DH stay apart because it worked out really fine for us.

I think we should stop contemplating on what's right or wrong with respect to the priorities. The OP has just asked for suggestions to make her life easier and we should either try to help her or stay away from this thread. Us discussing about the priorities who just push the OP into depression.
IMHO: Just because a couple is living apart for their jobs doesn't necessarily mean they are money/career minded and just because a couple are staying together mean that they value love/relationships over money/career.
I rest my case here as I don't want the OP to feel more sad/depressed after reading through our discussions.

 

If possible you can send him a card every month telling him how much you love him, miss him and appreciate him. You can just send him an online card if that's much more convenient for you.

Spend quality time together as much as possible when he comes to visit you.
Cook him his favourite food.
Plan some sexy stuffs on bed and show him how much you desire him.

Try not to burden him with your frustrations.
Take care of the small issues that you can solve on your on.
Ask for his support and advice when you face bigger issues that you can't solve on your own.

Make it a point to say you love him daily either over the phone or emails.

 

Dear CP,

The above quoted lines from the OP tempted me to write my opinion based on my personal experience about long distance relationship.

If you clearly read the OP, you would understand the fact that Ms Meena (OP) is not feeling good about this setup and she looks for ideas to keep her mood swings away (I understood that the reason for her mood swings is her current situation, i.e she misses somethng in her marriage life/DH due to long distance relationship)

As I already mentioned in my previous post, there are so many couples (like you - The above words are quoted from your post) who value something (be it their career, money, independance, FOO, friends or other relationship) than their spouse. Hence their priorities change as they want.
My former boss - a French lady, who valued her career than her DH and kids. She has been in this (UN) profession for more than a decade and earned millions of dollar from it. But still she prefers to work and maintain her family matters from a very long distance - Via monthly/bi-monthly visits, TP chats and mails. According to her, it is not a big deal and she is more happy and content in this life, so is her family. She never misses her kids or hubby in any ways and they all are used to this life now. That's her.

But the OP feels bad... Have mood swings problems due to this. I think she misses something in her marital life due to her long distance relationship. I too felt so.

I left home just because of my career. Then continued there because of my inlaws' push and other monetory needs. But I felt like missing something in our marriage, so I made a firm decision to quite my job and reunite with my DH. It is my life, so I made this decision and I just didnt want to blame my inlaws or someone else for not making a decision when I had to.

Dear OP,
There are few tips to kill your boredom and mood swings. Also this would help you to connect with your DH in a long distance marriage.
1) Make TP calls as much as possible
2) Make all the efforts to live your life within your short meeting time
3) Vedio chat
4) Regular mails
5) Do not fight when he is with you

But my dear... These things never work to build a happy marriage. If you honestly feel that your (or your DH's) main priority is something else (like money, career, sister, brother, FOO, friends, party etc..etc..) and not your marriage life, then you are free to go ahead with this set-up. I am sure you will be fine soon and will get used to this life in the future.

But if you think like you are missing something, and wanting a real foundation to build a happy marital life, then you need to re-think whether you guys really want this long distance relationship at this stage of your life.

Career/money or whatever the other important thing.. That comes and goes, but I warn you.. Your age, the initial days of your marriage, the time to put a strong foundation to your marriage building, and the emotional connection will never come back.

I tell you this not to depress you or threaten you. But to warn you from my personal experience. But the decision is up to you

 

If Spiderman, Ajain or any other male poster had said these words.... that they care more about being close to siblings and friends than their spouse... everyone here would be screaming bloody murder, calling them male chauvenistic pigs.

Although your love for friends and sister is sweet, I felt strangely disturbed reading your quote above. It almost seems like you care about your sister more than your dh. :hide:

 

Meena,Long distances marriages can be tuff on relationships. That being said, I will say you can make an effort to keep the relationship strong. Why are you talking about your husband coming /not coming only? Why cant you go and visit him once in a while.You have kids right?If your husband is in west coast and you in east coast,meet him midway. With early booking you will get a good deal. Even if you can squeeze in 2 days once in a fortnight , that might refresh your relationship.

I also want to point out that you need to mention to your husband, he needs to make an effort too. I agree putting off trips to meet you for work, but just for the fare is a bad thing. You are sacrificing your marriage for his job. He needs to realize family needs time too. Have a talk with
him and discuss your fears and wishes in this regard.Being away he maybe used to the idea of this separated setup. Its time you bring back his focus on you.

I know how the economy is here in US. But I also feel there is a better job , if you look long enuf and hard enuf anywhere. Is your husband making any effort to move back home.Probably he might love his job, I understand. But at the same time,your relationship will end up becoming a monthly 2 days trips or end of the day fone calls.You need to talk to him about this as well. If you have kids , the kids need dad time too.He needs to realise this and make an effort to find a job near you.Think about all this and do post. Good Luck.

 

Tugga/ASG,

Looks like my post confused you.

First things first: Why am in this country instead of back in India with my parents??? I always wanted an independent life and my parents were ok with it. I wanted to do my Masters in another country. Why US? Because I had my sister here. So I love my parents and sister equally. Just because I left India to come and settle down here doesn't mean I value money/career/my sister more than my parents. I wanted a life built on my own, not tagging along my parents, not marrying the first person they show me, not depending on my parents till I get married off, etc: I jumped at the first opportunity they gave me..well, my Dad wasn't happy with it but I convinced him and he was ok. Yes, I miss my parents but what's the gurantee that I wouldn't miss them if I was in India...I doubt I would get a job in the same place they live? It's not like that I am a money craving beast forgetting my parents and is desperate to stay in this country...Well if my priorities are weird then so be it...I can't sit at home and do nothing or just beg/ask DH for money/love, etc..Does love feed you, clothe you at the end of the day?? Maybe yes, maybe not...I look at it this way..I love my DH and he loves me back, so if we both move back to India and just sit at home and do nothing..will things work out for us..I guess not.

Why did my DH and me chose to stay apart even though we could stay together? Because we are not perfect. I have my own issues. We had tons of ego clashes and I am a woman who can't take male chauvinism easily..A man and a (working) woman should share the house-hold work..PERIOD. My DH never agreed so we had issues in our marriage. Finally about 2 yrs ago DH decided to move away to a city to give me space ..to see if our relationship could get any better.We were living as 2 strangers in the same Apt. And no I am not a woman who falls on a man's feet so that the marriage survives irrespective of whose fault it is. We were almost on the verge of divorce and we agreed on the set-up. Fortunately everything started falling in Place...Our relationship improved a lot...6 months ago DH moved in and is telecommuting but he will be moving back to his old Apt for maybe another year/two.


ASG,

Is there any thumb rule that my one's spouse should have the highest priority, irrespective of any other relationship?? It might be disturbing to you because you have a very sweet DH and you value your relationship with him above anything else. I don't know but to me you sound as If I should just leave all my relationships over the past 20+ yrs, my career , personal life and just tag along or leech onto my DH as a parasite just because I am married to him or love him??? . To me you sound as if I should stop loving my parents since now I have a DH??? If I was such a person, I know at least my DH would label me as an abnormal human being

Valuing one's spouse above anything else depends on the person.
Right now I can't prioritize DH/sister/parents . To me the relationship I have with each one of them is different and each one is equally important to me. Maybe tomorrow if I have a kid I might just give my kid the top priority.
I may sound weird but Well, it's just me....

Just to add : My DH works about 3 hrs from where I live and my sister is in another part of this country. It's not that I am living with my sister and staying away from DH just because I love my sister more than my DH.

 

Sorry to have confused you but I didn't mean to say I value some "x" more than some "y". No two individuals are the same nor are their priorities. If let's say I love my sister or parents or friends more than my DH, I fail to see what's wrong with that. It's not that I move in with my parents/sister since I love them and totally ignore my DH and our married life or just say my friend's advised me to divorce my DH I would just go ahead and do it just because I love them more. I am a grown up human being and I guess I can think clearly with my own mind and act according to the situation and make my own decisions
I really fail to understand this whole "DH gets top priority thing" You speak as if DH is demi-god:bonk

 

A big reason some couples choose a long-distance relationship lifestyle (or are forced to live that lifestyle, whatever the circumstances) is precisely because they're thinking of their families, its stability and comfort.

There are other priorities like finances, education etc - reasons that CP very eloquently pointed out for which couples need to stay apart. In addition to "just living together" these factors actually contribute to a potentially stable life for the family, and in that sense, often the couple's personal comfort/priority of wanting to be together is overlooked in the long-term vision of wanting a more stable life for the family as a whole. Its kind of unfair to say "your family takes priority only when you decide to live with them."

 

Dhaanika,

I absolutely agree with your view. I believe you have put it in the best and most concise way as possible. That's exactly what I meant too but I might have sounded off-beat in my posts:bonk