Long distance marriage and how to keep marriage kindled!!!

meena,

check out this ..

Marriage defying distances... - IndusLadies

I wish for the little whispers - IndusLadies

I don't think i need to write more than this right now..

 

I believe a married couple should live together, as husband and wife. It is sad when people put career before their marriage. Really then, what was the point of even getting married if you are going to just meet once per month, or once every two months?

I feel you should examine your priorities in life. If you are feeling sad.... that emotion is there for a reason. It's because something is not right in your life. Instead of trying to sweep that feeling under the rug, perhaps you should introspect on what you can do to permanently stop feeling blue.

Money comes and goes. Friends come and go. Whatever the reason for you living thousands of miles apart, is it so important that you are 'ok' with living seperated from your spouse? The years go by quickly and you can never get them back. When a couple lives together, they can grow together. But living seperated.... each will still grow, but without the other. Spend enough years apart and it will be like being married to a stranger after a while.

I hope you're only planning this arrangment for a short time. It's not a good idea in the long run.

 

I have first hand experience in long distanced relationship. I had to move miles away from my DH to persue my dream career two weeks after our marriage.

I always had a dream to get that post. It was so challenging and I worked so hard to get it as a reward (promotion). On the other hand, my family badly wanted to marry me off to my DH (my boy long time boy friend) before I go out of the country, so we decided to marry just to keep our family happy

But it was not easy to live apart, though we get to meet once in two months. We had lots and lots of issues, frustration, silly problems... The distance made others (in laws and parents) to take advantage, and they played a nasty role to part us emotionally.

I would say, it was HELL

I earned so much money, pride, and lots and lots of career advancement... But whats the use... I started to lose the love of my DH and the emotional bonding within one year of separation (still we met once in 2 months).

One fine day, I made a brave decision to quite my job and move back to India to be with my DH. It was hard, and no one appreciated me for doing it.

My family said that we are going to have more issues as we are going to lose money... Some said, more issues will follow as we stay together with all the unsorted issues... and what not???

I came down, and yes... Missed my job, money, independance, career and all... Started more fights with DH... Again the same drama... But fortunately the God opened my eyes one day and showed me the right path.

Yes... I take this opportunity very positively to bond with my DH, to win his love and to start a beautiful family life. I became pregnant and started to enjoy my pregnancy.

As we grew together, we become more closer... Less fights and more happiness... Less arguments, but more sacrifises... Yes... Now I am happily married.

Its been 9 months since I left my job, but this whole 9 months are so precious to me.... I feel like love before marriage is nothing when compared with love after marriage..

I missed my career, money and friends... But I am sure, everything will come back sooner or later. I can get them when I want to. But the love and age... The special moments of new marriage and first pregnancy, will never be gained once lost.

So, please do not waste this wonderful time for anything....

 

That is so true. I doubt anyone on their death bed ever reflects back on their job, money, or promotions. Rather, most of the elderly people I have ever met talk about one thing.... their families, the happy memories they had with their families, and times of togetherness.

Earlier in our marriage, my dh had a chance to take a job in our dream city in U.S., better pay, better title... everything! But it would mean us living seperate for 1-2 years. It was a sacrifice neither of us were willing to make. Because once those years are gone, they aren't ever coming back! You never know how much longer you will have on this earth. How many more days you have left to spend with your spouse, children, parents, etc. Relationships shouldn't be taken for granted. Marriages take work. And how can you work together if you are thousands of miles apart, not even seeing each other?

Be careful how much you let greed and pride rule your life.

 

Shanvy has given some excellent threads as references. Great ones!!!

I was in the same situation a decade back when my dh went for work in the US. We lived apart for a year and even when we returned to India for good couple of years back we lived apart for 10 months till he finally found a job of his choice here. So, there is nothing wrong in this set up. I am surprised at how some of the earlier posters concluded.

I dont think anyone wishes to live apart and really enjoys long distance marriage. Circumstances force us to live like that sometimes and in many cases only temperorily. There are few exceptions ofcourse.
So, we should try to keep up her positive attitude if we can and not jump to conclusions thinking that this couple has set job and career over personal life.

With the world economy going like this, who knows, what might happen to any one of us and we might end up like the OP. So, is nt there any life for her?
Though living long distance from your hubby is painful but you can reduce this by constant and good communication. In fact both the times when we lived like that I can say we were extra nice and caring towards each other. That felt sweet and I still cherish those memories as to how dh would ask each and every detail of the days happenings and I would narrate them so interestingly.

You know there is always a bright side of every situation and so it depends on how you take it. Anyway, for you this kind of set up is only for a year and even this will pass. But remember to be extra sweet everyday to your hubby and see how he will cherish those memories.

You have a loving husband and this time enjoy him long distance too. I cannot stop myself from reading Shanvy's write up over and over. I can relate every bit of it. So, meena ignore people who say your priorities are wrong. Your dh and you know what is best for you and you both have opted to live like this due to some financial situations. Give him your full support and encourage him every day towards achieving the goal.

Some people may find you guys very materialistic. Dont care such comments. You know your situation best and you know that living like this will bring you out of the debt. Yes, you may have to bear the pain of separation for some months but in your heart you also know you are doing this for the person you love and wish to live happily ever after.

 

ASG, I believe you were born here and so have no idea about how immigration works here.
I am not sure what condition the OP is but I would give you a small example here:
Let's say a guy comes here on H1, files for a GC as primary and unfortunately even before he finds a girl to get married to a situation arises where he needs to file for his I485 and invoke his EAD. Well I would be very happy if I am in the situation because I got my EAD but not that guy because he is still unmarried. He finds a girl and gets married to her and brings her on H1/F1- he has no other option to bring her legally into this country. She can't be on any dependent visa . It's fine if the girl gets admission into a school in the same city or finds a job in the same city but what if the guy can't afford to pay for her school or afford to get a loan or if the girl can't find a job in the same city. They have to live apart in order to stay in this country or pack everything up and go back home. I am sure There is a work around for everything but we can't just conclude that just because they are living apart they are money-minded or career-minded.

In my situation: I can happily stay at home on a H4 and travel with DH or DH could get a job in this same city or we could simply pack our bags and go home. I don't have a nice relationship with my MIL, and I'd like to stay as far away from her as possible. We both know she could separate us if she is around. We had ego clashes and our marriage was almost over.So DH decided to find another job in the east coast about 2 yrs ago in order to give each other space. I should say that was the saving grace or turning point in our marriage. Our relationship improved because we started missing each other and valued the relationship and started having quality time together. I see my DH has opened up a lot over the time.We just met over the weekends and on Holidays.DH moved in about 6 months ago in order to telecommute but I am encouraging him to go find another job close to where we live because I know the further apart we are the more we grow close to each other. But I also told him this is only for a year or two till we resolve the issues in our marriage and until the point where we start planning for a kid.

It all depends on a person's situation and priorities.

 

Very well said Coolphani. I have seen some happy couples among my colleagues who never lived together continually for more than a year in their decades of marriage life. They happened to be United Nations international staff (like I was working before) and have been rotating all over the world for their career (and most of the time they get non-family duty stations, as you know UN primarily works on war affected areas where you are not allowed to take your family with you).

For them,career is their first priority... Then comes money, family and others.
They feel bad, disturbed and depressed only when they lose their career or there is heavy competion in posting etc..etc... and they have remedies to take care of their family and kids.

Some people continue to fight, remain like two strangers under one roof but still live together for years. Their priorities too something else, but not relationship, not love and family -hence the results

My prioriy was my family... The relationship with my DH and to start a smooth family life with DH and kids. Also I prefered to stay close to my parents, siblings and best friends. So, I felt really bad to miss all of them when I was having a wonderful career plus monetory advancements. Now I am happy though I lose almost all my career opportunities and financial independance, but still gain lots and lots of affection from loved ones.

If I were the guy (in this case), I would happily quite my job in the US and move back to my mother land and settle happily with my beloved wife than bringing her to the US and stay away from her just because of the visa problems. Afterall, he came to US for his career/money, wants to stay her for the same reason, he still wants to take up a job in a different state due to monetory reasons and hence he is leading a distanced relationship... So, its clear that the guy's first priority is career or money and not the family. The situation could have been changed if otherwise. Am I right????

 

Humble,

A good piece from you. :thumbsup

 

Hi Meena

Some simple things can help, like daily phone communication also webcam chat twice a week. Its very helpful for the kids as well as for you to see each other.

Sending daily emails, chatting, sharing pictures can help.

Me and DH also used to play online games with each other since he loves games.

Thanks

Anu