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Long distance CRAP

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by tulipzz, Jun 26, 2010.

  1. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    Background: My hubby is mama-boy and he, his parents and sis have given me enough crap for 2 yrs. I've been to hell and back. I suffered a mental breakdown and had to seek professional help.

    Current situation: Now that we are not in India anymore, the crap did stop.Dh told me that he regrets not reacting when his folks were giving me crap and that he is feeling guilty about my mental state. Things have improved over a period of time. DH and I have a better relationship now. DH is a wonderful husband. I have no complaints about him otherwise. He loves me a lot. But, when we go on a holiday to India, things change.

    I dont understand his problem, but he has the habit of talking bad about me to his parents. No matter what, even if there is a small disagreement about something, his parents and sister get enough entertainment about it. Also, he never mentions the good things I do for him. I dont know why he does this. When I confront him, he says he wont do it again.He also says he tells them good things too. But I am damn sure he doesnt. I dont trust him on this. But I want to get to the bottom of the issue. I am clueless why he does it.

    In UK: He says he loves me. We have lots of fun. We are like good friends. We have our share of disagreements, arguements etc, but we handle them well.

    In India: He LOVES making me a 'bitch" for his parents.

    I just dont like bonding with his family now, because I know what they think of me. I am wondering how many relatives my MIL made me a villian.

    Ladies, any thoughts on this?
     
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  2. Umlaut

    Umlaut Silver IL'ite

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    Dearie, Sorry if I sound rude: but from your post it appears that is not your MIL but your husband who is the villian of the piece.
    Have you asked directly, during his sweet phase in UK, as to why he does like that in front of his parents when you are in India?
     
  3. swarnalata.N.S.

    swarnalata.N.S. Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear
    I understand your problem. My relative girl was also having same complaint, that her husband was a good fellow when they were at their home, but when they were visiting his folks, he always acted rude and made bad comments about her.
    She found out itseems that the husband was acting like split personality because he does not want his people to think he became henpecked after marriage or that he became Joru ka Gulaam. He wanted to show his parents that he was in control of the wife so that they will not think bad of him it seems.
    What to do ! Some men have peculiar ideas. So long as he is good husband , this relative girl says she will try to ignore his sudden rudeness in front of his people.
     
  4. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    Exactly!! Split personality. He changes completely. Can you imagine, we were returning to the UK and from the time we entered the airport, he was all mine!!

    MIL takes full advantage of the situation. She keeps adding to things to make him angry.

    No matter what I do, MIL is not happy with me. I think DH is trying to please her by talking bad about me. He perhaps thinks she'll feel bad if he is good to me or something. Also, I have a SIL who is a total waste. MIL and SIL are a little jealous of me also. They keep trying to prove that they are superior. Last visit to India, I didnt stay with inlaws. I was at my parents place. For small things, DH would shout at me and make a tamasha for them. and taking advantage of the situation, MIL and SIL would create those small issues.

    Next India trip is coming up in 2 weeks. I am wondering what this time. :drowning
     
  5. Dhaanika

    Dhaanika Gold IL'ite

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    Stop shying away from confronting them. Your DH needs to grow up, and you need to crack the proverbial whip to get him to get his act together. How does making you look bad in front of them even make sense to him - he seriously has a lot of growing up to do in the marriage. If he doesn't - you've got to stand up for yourself and put an end to the drama.

    I agree. That's precisely what he has to get into his head.
     
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2010
  6. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    I think your husband is trying to get pity from his mom. His way of getting attention...which is bad.
     
  7. ushkrish

    ushkrish New IL'ite

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    hi,
    tell your dh that you are not going to tolerate his bad mouthing you in front of his folks this time, and your reactions are going to be different if he tries to do it again. also tell him it is time for him to act exactly as he wish and that his switching from one extreme to other is agonising you and you are worried you may get affected as before . just tell him in mild tone and express your concern over the matter in a worried voice so that he understands and minimises his gimmicks before his folks.
     
  8. Ranchu

    Ranchu Local Champion Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Tulipzz,

    when your mil & SIL is trying to be superior in comparison to you , why dont u try reverse psychology. Does praising your MIL's food or SIL's dressing , make them feel better? that way you can keep praising her & please ur MIL . ultimately your DH will stop bad-mouthing to your MIL.

    or
    when your DH starts an argument in india, why dont u act surprised . say this in front of MIL : what are you doing ? are you serious ? oh ok ok , i get it, this is the pretending-act that you had mentioned to me before while in airport. you are trying to scold me to please ur mom & sis . oh yes now i understand. go ahead. i wont say anything..
    Mummy ji he's doing all this only in front of you , otherwise he is the best hubby anyone can get..
    (say everything very sweetly and laughing over it as a joke) .
    I bet your MIL & SIL will get mad & confused :rotfl
     
  9. shobananewton

    shobananewton New IL'ite

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    hey tulipzz,
    lemme tell u smethin...not only is ur hubby a momma's boy but every single men on earth is a momma's boy...jus that the ratings differ:rotfl....listen am sorry bout u havin a mental break down but hey u've come across those barriers :thumbsupso don u think this is jus somethin that u have to not wrry so much and again spoil ur whole-self.....yes i do understand the amount of agony u mus be goin tro when ur hubby behaves the exact opp of what he used to be with u when ur alone.....but again its time that u do somethin which can make u happy......
    when in uk:always keep sayin to him that this is the kind of rappo that u'd love to have evry min....even whn in india.tell him that he's absolutely responsible for all the good name aswell the bad name u carry......
    Now to the inls:if u can(i understand it should be hard for u to even read it but try it)build a grt rappo with ur mil and ur sil....to elaborate whn ur goin down to india buy her some stuff that wld be considored her fav..ask ur hubby abut his mom's fav(he'd be so happy to help u)when ur in india take ur mil to a restaurant and go shoppin with her....spend some time outside the house with her without neone around...be nice to her....then comes ur sil....is she married????well neways ....compliment her alwayz..same take her out for a nice outin..spend sme time gt to kno her well and above all be unconditional.......well tulip i cant promise u that u'd see some changes immediately but am assurin u this will work out...... and its time that u,ur mil and ur sil drag ur hubby's leg jus kiddin tho....don wrry...u should be fine....take care and hey be happy...thats what counts at the end of the day.....cheers:party


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  10. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    @ushkrish - I told him this. I'll see how he behaves this time when we go to India.

    @Ranchu -

    when I praise them, it turns against me! For eg: if I tell my MIL her saree is nice, she tells DH 'See, she says my saree is nice..Thats why I want to shop for her clothes. I have a good taste and she doesnt have it"... Bull****!! and DH supports her!

    Lol...I like your idea :)

    @shobananewton:

    When in UK: I am telling him that and he says ok.... but got to see if he really means it. we have a trip to India coming up in 2 weeks.

    With In-laws: We were like that before. Infact for a few months, our reletionship was good. MIL and I got along very well.Then something got into them. Jealousy may be. And they they started making my life miserable.

    Coming to gifts, In the first yr of my marriage, this is what I used to do. But, what I later understood was, they need 'expensive' gifts. If I buy her something small and nice, she kind of ignores it. For ex: I bought her a rose plant once...just like that since she has a small garden. She cared a damn about it. I asked DH to buy her a saree on mothers day. We bought a silk saree for 3000Rs. No happiness on her face. Same with SIL. She is not married and she is younger to DH and me)
    I have the same prob many ladies have here. Unable to forgive and forget. I am scared they will take me for granted again. I am scared to lose my mind again. :bonk To tell you the truth, I thought of MIL like my mom. Trusted her, loved her. I still feel good when I hear her voice on the phone sometimes. I still wait for FIL to ask DH about me when they call(MIL never asks)... but they ditched me beyond trust. They misused the position I gave them to make my own life miserable. Things kind-of patched up. BUT I am not able to forgive.
     
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2010

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