Lock And Key of Life

padmasowrirajan · Nov 11, 2007

Hi Aruna
I am glad you liked the post. Yes, no amount of shouting or threating them with their privilege is going to reach their brains until we explain them what is that they did wrong and how it could be righted. Good that you do that. It will have a profound effect on the child.

malspie · Nov 11, 2007

Dear Padma,

I strongly feel that children should have the "Fear"factor in them with regards to their parents. They cannot live with the attitude of "its alright". I was bound and wrapped with fear as a kid. I would not dare to lose a pencil too. My parents were very strict when we were kids. I strongly agree I hated them at that point of time. But, today I thank them for inducing such high values in me. The fear factor made me be alert, up and running at all times of my life. There were no hanky panky business in our (myself and sister) life. Up to certain age limit that fear factor helps in character building in an individual.

Even in office, if our bosses are very pally with us, we will not do 100% justice to our job. The fear of being shouted at, being questioned, being cornered make us excel in life. If there is nobody to shout or fear we should fear our inner voice. It speaks to us in volumes which we always tend to ignore. ...

Sorry, friend, I beg to differ...

padmasowrirajan · Nov 11, 2007

Thanks Mals for the varied opinion. I accept that we can instill fear and that was how we (my sister and I) were wrapped up too. It’s simple to take to carrot and stick rule. The enormity of the situation can make the parent to take to stick, but the child’s perception of the situation will be different.
The child should be made to feel that its not good to lose a pencil or anything, not because they dread the consequence, but because they should be careful. They should learn to be right from the wrong. And the coming generation is much more matured, than when we were in their age, thanks to mass media.
But again, views differs.

rajmiarun · Nov 12, 2007

Dear Padma,

Nice write up. I will definitely agree to your point that kids should not have the fear towards their parents. But the fear towards parents are also necessary. Me and my brother were bought up in such a surrounding that we could talk anything and about anything to both our parents. But that doesnt mean we could cross our limits. Right from the childhood we were like a cow bound to the rope; it was the freedom that we enjoyed and still enjoying the most.

Till now I have that fear, it need not be classified as the typical fear, but it is the fear that I would like to carry on and on. I fear that I should be able to fulfill their expectations, a small approval, a small smile is always enough to prove that whatever I have done I have exceeded their expectations. That is the kind of fear we, me and my husband have instilled upon our daughter also. We have always appreciated right from the time when she started talking, all the good things she have been doing. So she fears of doing only the correct things. Though it need not be the best things but if the expectations are fulfilled and if the child is appreciated, the child is happy. Though we scold her when she does something wrong or something that coould not be approved of, we make it a point not to shout but to make her understand it in the privacy. As shouting in public spoils her image amongst her friends or the relatives gathered. So it is always good to talk to the child and make them understand than shouting or scolding them especially in public.

Wishing you all the best to win the FP.

padmasowrirajan · Nov 12, 2007

Wonderful comments Rajmi. Yes, everyone in our country is brought under the strict tutelage of our parents. It's not any different now. But the fear i was implying was not as in "shaky legs, sweating palms". Just the right amount of fear mixed with love, regulations and strictness. That can make them learn things in a better and more sophisticated way.

Well, Actually we were more of god-fearing than parent-fearing,Coming from a very orthodox and joint family. We knew our limits and we never tried to cross the boundary with my parents. We knew when they will approve what we do and when they don't. Even after I am married, I fear and respect their suggestions for whatever big steps I take in my life. And in present days, with parents of single child, we dont rise our hands to punish them even when we are in privacy,leave alone scolding and shouting in public. It will only make them cringe in character and personality.

Shanvy · Nov 12, 2007

hi padma,

Loved the metaphor of lock and key of life. the analysis..was great...I feel you have tried to club two things together. life and fate, and the parents strictness...too distant topics..

Life and fate...i feel life is reality and fate is an mirage we blame, for lot of the happenings....what we do makes up our life...or fate.....you become what you think....am i deviating...maybe....

Coming to the parents strictness(I will not say fear)....spare the rod, spoil the child is a proverb..no more used....because today's kids, don't need too much of the stick or rod. the moment things are related to them in a understandable way, they accept it..and try to follow it.

During my childhood, my mom could control me with just the rolling of her eyes....even today it haunts me...
In my case, both my DD and DS are scared..of me..(again not fear....not that i make life miserable.:notthatway:..the simple punishment i give is not talking to them...until they realise their mistake...though harsh,according to lot of my friends works wonders..and they feel for it....) They can't learn if you hide them under your wings...let them learn by going out and fighting it out....today it is survival of the fittest...to be fit they need exposure...where i am strict, my husband is lenient, so a balance is maintained. I always make it a point that even if i am strict, the moment they own up their mistake, i will fight come what may for their sake and they are aware of that... I am against pampering but give my full support that love can work wonders...we should be able to make them realize discipline, strictness is on another plane and that we also loving them as parents. So far i have been lucky...keeping my fingers crossed......

All said and done, parenting is an trial and error system, you learn as you go...what was right for my mom, does not sound good for me as a parent...the same could be for my daughter.....

sujathae · Nov 13, 2007

Dear Padma, Very nice writeup. You seem to have the touch of varalotti sir in your writings, comparing the life and fate with lock and key game. Its really interesting. I too agree with you that we should not scare the children with our punishments. We should have the patience to explain to them about everything instead of scolding them. To Err is human. Explain to them the consequences of their wrong doing and the children of this generation are sharp enough to learn from other's experience rather than touching the fire themselves and knowing that it is hot. Keep writing. All the best.

jaishree9 · Nov 13, 2007

Hi Padma
Beautiful writing .I can imagine the sea side reading ur article . The very apt discription of fate & it splay.This is very true thinking shud always be in a wide persective. nice article.
Jaishree

padmasowrirajan · Nov 13, 2007

Hi shanthi,
I coalesced the two distant topics of life and fate and parent strictness, since the lock and key game is for children and fate and life for grown-ups. Its not necessary to take the same route as our parents or anybody to correct our children, after all they are all for us and only us. We even take his/her side when they argue with the other parent. My mom used to punish us the same way to do. She will go without talking to us for hours together. Sometime I felt, she was being hard on us, but believe me, I was happy that that was the least of punishments, when I was told by my friends about their parents raising hands to them. And again parenting is a trial and error method, where no amount of books, self-help, parenting books and cassettes can help us in the process. We forget what we read or choose to forget, when we encounter with the depicted situations.
So, hope we do a fairish job in our parenting. Because, there are other factors which will have it's part to play, as is in their study environment and friends circle in their early childhood.

padmasowrirajan · Nov 13, 2007

Hi jaishree,
I am a lover of beach (which is probably due to my zodiac sign- cancer), so I love to describe it. It’s a great pleasure in knowing with my words you could envision the beach.