1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Living Arrangement- What’s Your Preference And Why?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by ATI, May 29, 2019.

Page 2 of 2
  1. May 29, 2019 #11
    sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,959
    Likes Received:
    6,862
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Male
    I do not have any feedback on the arrangement itself, but in terms of refining the problem statement for decision-making, you might want to consider the following:
    • Are your PILs independent? Physically & temperamentally?
    • Can one or both of them drive, or, are they confident enough to take an Uber by themselves to get around?
    • Would they take public transportation (if available in your town)?
    • Do they have good English?
    • Do you live in a 'walkable' part of town? Can they step out by themselves on a bright sunny day and head to the park?* (Most cities provide a walkability index for neighborhoods. Source data are here, other variants exist). If they could, would they? Would they head to the nearest library or the museum availing of the senior citizen privileges?
    • Can they do their own grocery shopping?
    • Can they manage maintenance issues for a flat or house (unless you plan to rent)?
    • Do they have hobbies to keep them engaged? Even enthusiastic reading can go a long way.
    What I am getting at is this:
    If they are not independent, then being 10 minutes away makes no difference. They may be stopping over for dinner every night and whole weekends because, being used to the bustle in India, they're lonely here. You have to take twice as many hours off to deal with maintenance issues, ferrying them around for grocery shopping, etc. This separate-but-together arrangement is not the same in the US as it might be in India where entertainment generates itself - even if it is only walking over to the nearest temple or watching children at play from the balcony. The scenario gets worse if you live in a part of the country that has cold, snowy winters.

    If they are not independent, then you may want to reevaluate the cost-benefit ratio. You have kids and Harvard is expensive.

    * Can you trust them to not pinch the cheeks of random cute kids?:yikes: Can you afford bail? My parents would be arrested in no seconds flat.:lol:
     
    Last edited: May 30, 2019
    sokanasanah, May 29, 2019
    sokanasanah, May 29, 2019
    #11
    pni, KashmirFlower, Anusha2917 and 6 others like this.
  2. May 30, 2019 #12
    ATI

    ATI Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    110
    Likes Received:
    74
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    The issue isn’t money . We have bought my ILs a place in India and that is kept locked 6 months of the year. We don’t mind. This question is more about interference and just being around unpleasant people 3 months of the year day in and day out. They will literally sit on the couch all day making bitchy mean comments and watching TV. This topic came up because DH worked from home one day and heard FiL scolding some guy in a TV show using very foul language (I am not kidding)

    Frankly I am already saving for my old age and will not be dependent on anyone. I intend to enjoy my retirement doing all the things I didn’t get to do all these years.

    When I say my parents aren’t an issue I don’t mean I won’t care for them. Don’t jump to conclusions. I only meant we don’t have to have both sets of parent staying at my house. I think I mentioned my parents visit us every alternate year or so but don’t stay for extended periods because they have a lot going on in India and keep busy

    I don’t think your response helps me honestly. I have resigned myself to helping my ILs no matter how horrible they have been to me just for the sake of my husband. Now I need to figure out how to do this without loosing my peace of mind
     
    ATI, May 30, 2019
    ATI, May 30, 2019
    #12
  3. May 30, 2019 #13
    ATI

    ATI Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    110
    Likes Received:
    74
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks Rihana - I agree there is some catch but I don’t know what it is. Some level of ILs responsibility will fall to me. DH’s job involves a lot of travel and stress. And ILs never ask DH for anything - they always come to me. Since I am not working I think it’s unfair for me to expect DH to do everything at home for them. He is so tired on weekends and has very little free time for himself.

    It seems to boil down to us becoming the sole caretaker because BIL will claim he can’t have them in his house. That whole relationship is complicated - already BIL has claimed his wife can’t get along with ILs and sent them to our house during the 3 months they were supposed to be at bILs place. After that dH had a big talk with biL and told him he has to have ILs there for 3 months

     
    ATI, May 30, 2019
    ATI, May 30, 2019
    #13
  4. May 30, 2019 #14
    Viswamitra

    Viswamitra Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    13,410
    Likes Received:
    24,174
    Trophy Points:
    538
    Gender:
    Male
    Let the Lord shower His grace to you for a wonderful retired life.

    So glad to hear that. I didn't mean to say that you won't care for your parents. At some stage, they may have to live with you because of old age and I was only suggesting that you should be prepared for that.

    My apologies for not being helpful through my response.

    It makes sense. Your peace of mind is very important and you can only achieve it yourself and based on what you said already, you can't expect it from your in-laws.
     
    Viswamitra, May 30, 2019
    Viswamitra, May 30, 2019
    #14
Page 2 of 2

Share This Page