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Living abroad made us grow wiser. How about you???

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Tara09, Feb 16, 2010.

  1. Tara09

    Tara09 New IL'ite

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    Majority of the marriages can be saved if the couples live away......very far away.... from their own respective birth families after marriage........do you agree??

    Dh and I used to have lot of arguments in the initial years of marriage and I doubt how long our marriage would have lasted if parents/inlaws lived somewhere near us. Living in US has been a boon for us. No interference, No passing uncalled for judgements or giving FREE advises.......from either side parents or relatives.

    Staying away though had lot of disadvantages like doing things all by ourselves with absolutely zero guidance, stressing out too much on simple things and the pain of staying away from parents. Though all these seem to be very huge disadvantages but the biggest plus point to this is it made us grow up, grow closer to each other and become wiser on our own, through our failures. All the disadvantages of staying abroad have a way out to make life little less burdened but once a couple's relationship is strained due to external pressure, is there a replacement??
    Today, after 10yrs, our relationship is rock solid. I doubt it, if we were staying in India with parents/relatives nearby. Now if we are to return to our flock, we are so confident about it. Our relationship and our understanding towards each other has reached a stage where nothing can do any harm at all.
    On so many ocassions dh and I felt some incidents from relatives as simply foolish, silly acts and things that needed to be ignored. We have started seeing things from a totally different perspective..........can we call 'global viewpoint'??? All in all, Living abroad, we have grown WISER!!!!


    On a funny note: Immediately after marriage, the newly wedded couple should be whisked away thousands of miles for atleast a minimum of 5 yrs after marriage.:biglaugh
    See, how they grow more closer to each other.


    Add your comments to this.
     
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2010
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  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Tara,

    Same thing apply to me as well. if we would stay in India, I would have gone mad with my in-laws. There family is so complicated and my husband doesn't use his mind. He is very much influenced by people and he has uses his short memory all the time. He doesn't remember past very well, he can simply forget major hassles also and just move on with same set of people.
    Even after 7 years of marriage, if we still go to India, I can pretty much see issues in my marriage again. My MIL simply can tell lies on my parents and which will cause issues between us.
    I don't respect my MIL because of her actions and she cribs at her son that she needs to be respected. Again she wanted to control the money. So these things could easily cause issues between us. So we are happy here as a family. BIL doesn't have any respect for women and MIL get influenced by BIL very much and she carries that stuff to my husband as my husband no brain only with his mom, he could simply believes them.
    I don't think my husband is grown any wiser.Once we land in india,the issues could come up again easily.
     
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2010
  3. rekakiran

    rekakiran New IL'ite

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    ha....its so very true....I wish all the couples get lucky and get to go far far away.........:thumbsup
     
  4. Tara09

    Tara09 New IL'ite

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    Thanks Priya and rekakiran.

    In my case, We hardly lived in India after marriage, 3 weeks after wedding only. Both of us were students though dh started earning but still had to finish his final stages of studies. I can clearly see that he is using his brain more now than earlier. Initially for every little thing he would call up his parents and instead of giving a straight answer to his query, they would actually question him as to why he wants to do that very thing. It got on my nerves. I being very impulsive too would just not take what they say. Finally, we stopped this 'consulting business' and went ahead what we thought was right. That saved a lot of ego tussle and I have seen that dh has become more of an independent thinker now.:idea

    I mean, to just answer YES or NO, why do you have to ask why at all that question is being asked??
    It was kind of like that initially but now we do as we please. Only the final result after lot of filtration is passed on. No details, No hassles...
     
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2010
  5. shivachoubey

    shivachoubey IL Hall of Fame

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    I too am of the opinion that for a healthy relationship staying away is the best. Even in India I don't think I could have lived in a joint family. I have no issues with in laws but the close family structure just suffocates me. I could never see my whole life wearing certain kind of clothes and behaving in certain manner. No way. I always wanted a freedom to do whatever I want to do.

    Living away and apart has certainly been an advantage.According to me young couples should be encouraged to live away and deal with their own lives.
     
  6. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Tara, I cudnt have said it better. Staying miles away , initially it was very tuff becoz I barely knew my husband . We had lots of problems and now we have a smooth sailing marriage with a few minor things here and there.And frankly I wud have gone crazy living with my in laws. In fact I can vouch for the fact that we wud have separated long back.

    Working hard to get here I dont want to risk going back living in constant tension. There is no happy ending to that side.I have specifically told my husband we settle here for our sanity. He understands the need for it too and feels the same way.
     
  7. Tara09

    Tara09 New IL'ite

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    Thanks Shiva and Chocolate.....
    All of us seem to be sailing in the same boat....:cheers
    What I say is even if we go and live among our people, a huge giant joint family or whatever, we are not nervous at all. Now, a deep love towards one another and a kind of understanding towards our feelings has developed so strongly that I can guarantee that as a safe/protective shield for our marriage.
    That was only possible in our case since we were thrown across the Atlantic ocean to fend for ourselves.:spin
     
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2010
  8. Traveller

    Traveller Gold IL'ite

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    I agree, i agree. i think even if we lived in a different state/city in India itself things wouldn't have been this different. now we plan our trips and in-laws/parents rarely visit us. so we have this huge time between us to sort out things. i can't blame my DH as well.. i'm sure if we lived even separately in the same city as his parents they'll stress him day in and day out. and his natural outburst would be me. even now things are not as easy. he wants to compensate for the time he doesn't get for them but still we both understand/trust to a very comfortable level that would have been impossible had we not moved abroad!

    also personally for me i feel establishing my own home in a foreign land has given such a huge confidence. this would have been nearly impossible if i lived with my PILs.
     
  9. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    I agree Tara. It is bad enough being on the same planet as my inlaws, let alone if I had to live in the same country or neighborhood as them. Sometimes I wish that we were living in that era with no phones or e-mail even. That way everyone would be forced to think long and hard before offering any stupid advice or interfering.

    It might sound odd, but when my own family was giving us a hard time about our relationship, I wished that me and hubby had moved to a different state from them here in the US. I just didn't want to live close to them where they could constantly make their negative presence felt in our marriage. Even to this day, we plan on moving further away to strike out on our own and give ourselves some space. And absolutely we never plan on living in India or anywhere close to his family.

    In the past me and dh listed down every problem in our marriage... but found the list was very short. In fact the ONLY problems we've EVER had in our marriage have been due to FAMILY INTERFERENCE. Had that not been there, I doubt we'd ever have had any fights. I thought the Shobana thing (mentioned in my recent thread) would be our first non-parents related fight... but it turns out even THAT was due to his parents.

    100% right Tara, 100% right. Distance is an advantage. Keen observation.
     
  10. neha1

    neha1 Silver IL'ite

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    I agree Tara

    Apart from giving you distance from 'unwanted' relatives/inlaws, it does make you a lot lot wiser and independent. Staying in a different city/house in the same country ,does help. however, as a whole personality, i feel we do become 'wiser' The bond between husband and wife really improves.so, even if we have to return to india after a few years, there is the 'understanding' between a couple.
    Exposure to cross cultural people, increases our confidence and tolerance levels to interact with ppl too,i feel.

    Agree with you,100%:thumbsup

    Neha S
     

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