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Life's Wisdom Needed

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by Barupavi, Sep 9, 2018.

  1. Barupavi

    Barupavi Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear ILites

    Please whoever have patience to bear with my confusions go on reading the thread.

    Sorry for disturbing you with my long post but please am in need of help.

    I am writing this to you as a continuation to my thread Seeking Help On A Lifetime Decision .

    When you get time please reply to me I have certain doubts in my life which I hope could be solved with all your maturity and wisdom of life. I were not able to make it a big story in IL. But now I want to share with you all my inner feelings and the whole story.

    I have written in post that if I want him to leave he will leave me. But he told it for my welfare only. I knew he respects me and needs me for surein life. Otherwise I would not have committed this much with him. But I was so immature that I were not able to sort out the problems that will have to faced by me in this relation if I want to be a step mother. My honesty alone would not help to handle the child and it requires a lot of maturity than a normal mother like you all rightly quoted in your reply.

    I posted in IL when I was helpless and much confused. I revealed about our relation in my home and my mother who is always lovable turned against me and she was completely against him not able to accept him into our family as her opinions for him is not good owing to his jovial character. Actually I were not able to tell her the full story of my affair with him as she reacted this way and I was actually afraid and all these reaction happened when I told that he proposed me only. Moreover she was not able to accept this from me as I am a very obedient daughter.

    At the same time he was busy looking after his kids and parents and never paid attention to me in spite of telling him the problems I am facing at home. I am not that liberal and literally he ran after me to convince myself and he was not available for me in a tougher time and that hurted me so well. But there are many good things about him which makes me so much confused and I werenot able to ignore him.

    I could quote few things.

    First thing, he actually loves me and I know it, I feel it. I always feel it in little things he does for me. He will travel with me just for staying with me during that time and return back his home just simply sitting in bus. He has never left me alone. It is a 2hourtravel and we used to just discuss over little things in our life. Nothing else. I will just hold his hands.

    Then he is a very practical and casual person. I can tell him whatever comes to my mind and he will answer or listen to all my talks with care. That does not mean that I am going to be wrong but he wont be tensed for my big questions of life.

    Then his family is a very nice family. I knew it just by seeing and he had told many things about his family. I thought his family is very good but he is exaggerating. But not so. Today his sister talked to me and he was talking as if she is my sister and what she spoke I will tell just after few sentences. If I get that family I will be lucky.

    We created lot of memories nothing but conversations we had but I move on to another life I may not be sure and my mind will think over petty things.

    Beyond all this I too love him truly with maturity not as infactuation. That is why am thinking how to tackle problems with him. Now the problems are here.

    I told he is very practical that is also a problem. Before applying divorce his ex stayed in his home with child in his native place and he told she stayed there for her child. After applying divorce she came here to stay with him and his parents for a week for looking after her child. And he says those were all his tactics. I was not worried about allthese as I completely believe him. After some 15days I wrote in IL the kid went for her weekend to her mother’s place and she stayed there telling she needs her mother. Though it is very normal for any kid to search for mom, no one expected this from her as she is so much attached to her father and she told she will stay with him always.But he was completely depressed when it happened and he totally forgot my existence. He drunk, he was much tensed over simple things in job and much depressed. This is expected out of a kind father but when he has brought me to his life giving me so many promises, he must have thought of me and handled the situation little better by talking to kid or waiting for her. But drunk, tension all are not acceptable for me.

    Then he went to his Ex ‘ home 2 or 3 times and talked to her over phone many times nothing but for kid’s need. This is also his practicality. But I can’t tell him anything as it is a serious issue. I told him this is acceptable as long as am not there in your life. He told that it is for his child’s welfare and I have to accept at certain places. I accepted that to certain extent but he is not sure that he will be able to stop his phone contact and I believe him for sure that it is for no other reason than his child. His over casual behaviour annoys me.

    Now my problems are here.

    I am not able to come to a proper decision as I knew he loves me and I am also in love with him. But after getting replies in IL for my thread I understood that my honesty alone would not help in bringing up the child and as I were rightly being told that a woman who is already a parent can do it and feeling my pulse rightly I came to a conclusion that I must be away from him both for my and his welfare. He had also told me he needed some time to get out of his previous family. So after giving a lot of thought and crying for myself I decided to be away.

    But after all these drama of his child leaving him and everything is over we had time to talk and I told my fears and I will be away from him soon. He told me that we will decide after some time period which will give both of us a clear picture. Most importantly to my surprise when I told him that now I have a doubt whether I could look after his kid as I thought before coz she started longing for her mother he was not reacting to that and I asked him about that.But he told he will change that. This looked so serious to me.Though my brain was not allowing my heart asked me to take the time. When he asked me why am leaving him I felt like crying. But he had thought the problem is from him alone and he will correct. He told me that he is preparing his mind by yoga and meditation and that is for living a better life with me.

    I am not fit for a role as lover. I could be a dutiful daughter alone. I could not convey all my thoughts to my parents as they are much conservative. I have bursted out to him few times. He is not a calm man but he has bore with out of his love.

    Now the bigger problem is that a match has been found by my parents and they are interested in that alliance. After a five year search they are satisfied here as it is my second marriage. I told him regarding that and he told to decide on my own. But he will help me in whatever he could and always be available for me. He got hurt by feelings. He is not in a mood to cheat me. He conveyed about our affair to his family and his sister called me and talked. She spoke to me in my favour and told me to take time as he is still talking to his ex nothing but for genuine reason. But thus will create huge problems in your life. So when you are about his complete disconnect from the previous family she will help us in our union and she will take care of the kid too.His family people are nice. But he told that he will try but he could not promise.

    After all these happened he scolded me for giving him false hopes and cut the call genuinely saying that he is leaving. Then sensing that I will cry he called me and made fun of our own difficulties and made me laugh and asked me to sleep. He never lies also.

    Next day when we are going to bus station he was very sad but he normally asked whether I need a coffee. He asked me whether he could kiss me for the last time for which I cried.

    Now I do not know what I should do .

    Should I go along with him facing the difficulties for the love I have on him. I am not having belief on me that I will be a nice mother to his child. But currently his child is not with him. But I do not want to make use of this opportunity.

    Or should I move on into another life though it against my honesty and I am not sure of another person’s character and I must not compare him with that person which will make the life terrible. But I will be matured. I will not be much wrong. But he told once I quit his life he will make himself stable within few days.

    But I am helpless. Your reply will really mean a lot to me. I feel really useless. Help me pls to conclude it here

  2. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    If you love something let it go free. If it doesn't come back, you never had it. If it comes back, love it forever. Douglas Horton
    Read more at: Douglas Horton Quotes
  3. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    Your husband's first duty will be to his child, since she is completely dependent on her parents and she was there before your relationship. And he will be in constant contact with his ex-wife especially if they are co-parenting their child. You will have to accept this and the fact that his expenses will also be divided. This is not as easy as marrying someone without children so think carefully about whether it will be acceptable to you. It is okay if this is not your cup of tea, but it is better to think wisely and take an informed decision when you still have the choice.
    Laks09, Agathinai and Sunshine04 like this.

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