Life is incomplete

pandusk · Jun 5, 2014

Hello friends,

how are you all? I know I have not updated you guys since my dh's demise. It's been 4 months, but life is still going on, taking one day at a time and dealing with it. My Dd keeps me busy and occupied and so is my work.

There is still vacuum, though people are around. I keep wondering what will he be doing now, is he reborn, if so where? I am doing my best to move on but it is not that easy, memories tears me apart, I try to move 2 steps forward, memories and my mil pull me 2 steps behind. I found another job in A different state where my cousin n my bro live so that I can have my family support and can have change. I told this to my Mil and I felt she is not happy with this , as she thinks I will not go back to india and visit and take care of her.. Who will take care of me and my DD..

life is hard without him but it is what it is...I need to accept n move on I guess. I have been going through a lot of emotional trauma, did not know where to vent out..so I am here.

Laks09 · Jun 5, 2014

Pandu,
Hugs to you dear. I can't imagine how it must be like. Being a single parent in a country outside our own own is extremely tough. I know you are doing the best for your child. I really feel bad for your MIL, I can't imagine losing a son like that, but you have to do what you have to do for your dd. She is here because you had her and is 100% dependent on you. You can't give up on your job and financial security to move back to India. If I were in your situation, I would choose financial stability in the US vs moving to India for providing emotional support to mil and getting support. That does not mean you are trvialising her needs, you are just doing the best you can given the situation you were handed. You didn't choose this for yourself.
I'm glad you found a way to move closer to some family member. At least, you will have someone to depend on. I also encourage you to find a support group for women in your situation. Group therapy helps. In this country where we don't have umpteen friends we need it. Also, if you have not already done so, please visit a grief counsellor. You do need it.
Pandu, don't ever feel who is there for you. We are all here if you need a shoulder to lay on. You are a strong woman. You have it in you. It's a lot to handle in such a short time frame, but you'll eventually get to a point where you will still grieve your loss but also look at all the good times you had together and be happy for those days and months and years.
Taking things one step at a time is a good approach. What you need now is financial stability. Once you establish in your new job and are in a better place, try and make some financial arrangement for your mil on an bi monthly basis atleast. What she wants is probably the feeling that you care. Of course, you can never replace her son but right now she is probably very insecure. In the Indian context, son was supposed to be her provider in her old age. Plus her age will make it very difficult to reconcile to her grief and also having you and dd away. In time, hope she comes to the realisation that this is the best for you.

btw, keep writing here if it helps. I know all the ILites were wondering about your well being. Even if we can't help you physically we can help by hearing you out!

flyhigh · Jun 5, 2014

Dear Pandu,

Hugs to you dear..First of all Kudos to you for handling things in a matured way after the demise of your DH. U have taken the right step by moving to another state and staying close to ur family members. Try to spend as much time as possible with ur DD after ur working hours so that the little girl does not miss her dad much... It will keep you occupied as well.

Life is defy tough and im sure This too shall pass...I would suggest you to be close to somebody, so that you can share ur feelings with the person..may ur bro, ur mom or ur dad, ur colleague, your best friend....somebody..just dont keep things/feelings to yourself..let it out..vent it out..just the way u did now on IL..we are all there for u dear...to support you..to give u strength wen u feel low..

Coming to your MIL, there should be somebody to take care of her in India now..whom is she staying with currently?? if there's nobody to take care of her then you can think about other options like making her to come and stay with u..if not, give it some more time.. You should become stable both emotionally and financially before u start starting giving support to another person..so as now ur priority should be Ur DD and ofcourse Yourself...

Denni · Jun 5, 2014

Dear Pandu,

My heart goes out to you and your DD. Sis, your priorities now should be you and your DD and how to rebuilt your life again. You are talking the right steps at the moment. You definitely need your family's support .

Tell your MIL, you need to arrange your life again. She should understand that its not easy to start all over again and especially without DH. Isn't there anyone else to take care of MIL?

deraj · Jun 5, 2014

Dear Pandu

Hugs to you. May God give you more & more strength to overcome everything. You need to be for your DD and yourself.

God will be with you always. May He bless you & your DD. All the best to you my dear Pandu. Take care.

VaniVyas · Jun 5, 2014

Hugs to you dear console1

This time will pass by... Make yourself strong and keep going. Your DD will help you a lot in that. Engage yourself so that you are too busy always.... Take care of your health also.

Your virtual friends will always assist you!!!

pandusk · Jun 5, 2014

Thank you. This support means a lot to me. I did tell her that, I will come to india visit her and make financial arrangements and while coming back planning to get her along with me, so that she can also have some change and spend quality time with her grand daughter.
from the time dh has left us, every time in call and speak, she always speaks about her and what she is going through, even if I say about me, she starts of again, so I am just listening to what she says and giving her emotional support and strength. Not even one day she has given me, but that is fine, I understand it's her son.

At the same time, it's not easy for me, as I have a big responsibility and a long life to live. I need to be emotionally and financially strong to take care of all. She is with her sister, her another son lives in the same place but not with her.

heron · Jun 5, 2014

Pandu,

Good to know that you are trying....even moving 1 step now is an achievement coz you have to drag a 100000 ton emotions...keep strong for your dd, for YOURSELF..

Laks09 · Jun 5, 2014

Pandu,
Try and ignore what she says for now. No point in thinking about her non supportive nature. Talk to people who can give you the support. That way, your emotional needs are met. I don't think you should bring her here though. Spend time with her in India. There she has her sister and son and familiar surroundings. Here she will depend on you for support. With a FT job and a baby you can't give her all that attention. Then she maybe upset about that. In India she probably has a lot of distractions. Let her stay there. Give her whatever financial help you can. If talking to her is stressing you out then keep that to bare minimum. Alone and outside the country you should take care of yourself and your baby first.
Btw, hope you are settled in your new city. Please make some friends other than your cousin and brother. I know it is very hard to meet new pwople now but please try. You need to see people so you can heal.

L

fellowblogger · Jun 5, 2014

I am speechless reading your posts. please take care of yourself dear, you need to stay healthy and strong for your daughter, you are everything for her now....take care god bless you