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Life is a living hell bcz of SIL & MIL- please help

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by kirancin2003, Apr 15, 2010.

  1. kirancin2003

    kirancin2003 New IL'ite

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    Hi, I am a working lady, got married at the age of 24 and been married for 2 years. Ours was a luv marriage and both the families were known to each other for atleast 2 years ( before marriage)… I am a very straight forward outspoken girl , cant listen/bear any thng wrong ,my husband falls in category of decent boy. Before marriage also, my mother has made it very clear to my in laws that abt my nature ( straight forward etc) unlike their son and has told them clearly that they shd. not complaint abt me later.
    I have FIL, MIL and younger SIL ( only 2 years yonger than me) in my in laws family. My husband is home oriented person and is a typical mama- papa boy. Follwng are the problems being faced by me after marriage and that has made our life hell. Basically we both husband wife love each other a lot n have no single diff. ( when both of us are considered) but due to family issues there are a lot of problems and that has made our living life a hell.
    a) My sil is good for nothing… she has not done well in her studies , she is not good for any of household work also … n has nt bn able to complete her grad. till yet, inspite she is 24 now…. At various instances she has showed that she is jealous of me… and my closeness with her brother ( my husband).. she compare herself with me in every respect ie. clothes, accessories, money, job etc. bcz of this my relation with her are not at all good and we rarely speak with each other…bcz as I wrote above I can not support some one who is wrong. She is wrong in many instances…. that can but bad name of family as well her…. Infact all our neighbors are well aware of her misdeeds…but when I try to bring this into notice of her brother… he always ignore it and rather blame me that I am making a issue out of that.. Infact at some instances we fought to that extent that he has asked me to go away from his life…. My MIL also know that her daughter is wrong in all aspect but then also she will keep taking her side…. spreading rumors to neighbors, my parents, my relatives, their relatives etc that I do not keep good relation with her…. n totally ignore her.. dnt treat her as family members etc.. I would like to tell here that when ever I even tried to keep good relation with her( SIL) some time it ends into bitter experience bcz of SIL jealousy.. infact MIL makes me responsible that my hubby is also not sharing same relationship which he used to share with his sister earlier. I really just want to get out of this SIL issue… please suggest what to do… but I really can not bear (SIL ) now.
    2) My MIL is really a culprit in making our life hell. He is a double standard lady… that I have come to know after 1 year of my marriage… She will not say any thng in front of me…. N then I will come to know from my relatives what all stuff she used to blame me for… that are absolutely wrong…infact she always speak bad of me in front of my parents also She do not like the work I do ( infact I am very good in all household works)…when ever I will be in kitchen she will make excuses and will not allow me to do any thng… and then will spread rumour that I do not do any thng… n she is the one who is taking care of anything.
    I would like to tell also that what ever is the salary being earned by both of us is given to FIL for home expenses, home emi, car emi, lic etc) and we are just left with very nominal pocket money ( 20 % of what we earn)…. N then this lady wants me to do expenses for her also side by side… It is mandatory if I will buy even simple footwear for me … my DH expects me to get it for her also...forget abt jewellery, saree etc. which I do not find is at all correct. Infact we provide them with the home expense and she can very well purchase what ever she want from that money. Same is the case of SIL also.. I dnt know why they compare my stuff with them.. they do not understand I am a working lady n they are sitting at home.. at the worst every day… she will brain wash my husband abt me ( that too in a manner that he will not take it in a way that she is complaining abt me) which leads to fight every day… n my husband do not take my side at all now… .bcz he thinks that his mother never speaks bad of me. .. n its me who has prblm with every one in the house.. .
    I would like to tell here that I have never thought that I will become like this and always used to thought before marriage that I will make every one happy in my in laws place.. Now I do not want to talk any one in the house except my husband… but he also think me of a wrong person……..some times I really want to end my
    Please suggest how to tackle this situation… otherwise I will go mad for sure………..
     
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  2. kma

    kma Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Kiran

    these are the same problems which even I faced after my marriage , gossiping with relatives telling some stories. And I was not even staying with them. For you staying together in a joint family and facing all this day in and out must be vexing. Take heart. Because most of us go through these things and learn to tackle them slowly. dont get so despaired.

    Regarding your SIL, do not get involved in her problems,whether she is right or wrong. Dont complain to your DH too much about your SIL. May be once in a while is OK because even you need not be a saint, but dont do it on a day to day basis. Anyway she will be getting married soon.

    But with MIL you need to be careful because her influence on your DH will be much more than that of your SIL. After she is his mother. Try to take a proactive role you only buy her something once in a while. And no need to publicise what all you buy to them since you cannot anyway afford to buy all the stuff again for them.

    If possible may be you can stay independently nearby to them so that you can keep your peace and also look after them in need.
     
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2010
  3. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    A few standard problems that a DIL faces in average indian home.
    You can be forward, outspoken gal however joint family system cant accept it from their DIL.. no matter how much your mom explained to your MIL, since this was a love marr, they dint have much say.

    I appreciate your giving away salary to FIL, which rarely people do these days... hence you're still not that forward.
    Again whether you're working and your MIL & SIL are sitting at home, no MIL shall treat a DIL any better that her DD or her own self.. for her eyes only her own kids are best.

    Once SIL gets married to a distant city, few of your issues may get resolved.
    Then you need to be careful dealing with diplomatic lady your MIL, zip up your mouth and open it carefully.. equally diploamtic way like hers.. learn a few tips from her.. how to do it.
     
  4. Sunshine123

    Sunshine123 New IL'ite

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    1. Firstly, you complaining to your husband about how bad your SIL is a big Mistake. No brother will want to hear from his wife that his sister is bad. You should have been more diplomatic here. Also, why are you so concerned if your SIL is doing bad deeds and her mother is ok with it......why do you indulge in correcting her...especially when her own mother does not seem to find anything wrong with it. Just turn a blind eye!

    You are newly married and your focus should be on building a strong relationship with your husband........instead you are distancing yourself from him by bad mouthing about his sister to him......!! Your intentions could be right.....but these are very delicate issues and it takes years of mutual trust and respect for the inlaws to take something like this from a DIL in the right spirit!

    Just try to maintain a cordial relation with your SIL...dont try to get too close to her or ignore her completely....do not give your advises or suggestions concerning her, unless asked.

    2. Regarding your MIL, its your house too.......just get into the kitchen and tell her firmly but sweetly that you want to prepare some new dish or want to try something new.....remember that women are very sensitive regarding the control of kitchen....according to them if they have control of the kitchen, they have the control of the house (funny....but true!!).......so you need to move slowly here and gain her trust that you are not here to destabilise her position......praise her cooking and ask her about some recipes that she is good at......you need to have patience and once she does not see you as a threat....she will let you do more stuff in the kitchen..

    3. Your husband thinks you are the one who has problems with everybody in the house........becos you are the one who is complaining to him about his sister and MIL. Remember one golden rule.........never take your complaints abt SIL and MIL, FIL to your husband...that too in the initial years of marriage....he will not like it, worse it will turn against you. It requires years of building trust and strong bond between couples......for the husband to even hear to wife's complaints abt his family!

    Learn to fight your own battles. Be nice to them in front of your husband and act everything is normal. If you have a problem with them, deal with them separately in his absence. I dont mean to say put on an act........but simply be more patient and tactful!!

    All the best!!
     
  5. SupSam

    SupSam Senior IL'ite

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    I agree to sunshine and shilpama.... Mine was a love marriage...and both families very very different. I knew it wont be easy and I tried my best to be practical. Had to bear many issues...cried a few times in front of husband but I made it a point that I talk to him about hem over matters which have happened in front of him...Yes it usually never happened but then indirectly I created conditions that they say something in front of him and twice or thrice it happened, he started believing me. ALthough I never faced much problem..tuchwud but yes I too did.. It has to happen when you are living with them you see :)

    Dont take a bad mouth to yourself...you will need to do the buttering once in a while. Today also after 9 yrs of being known to this family and 4 yrs of being married...I try giving some small gifts to MIL or buy something for SIL who is now married n give to MIL that this I thot will look gud on her...and she gets better to me. Phases do keep coming up, with age she is getting that ME factor quite much...my respect...my word...my ego...but then it took time but now DH understands all and really supports me. I neednt say anything to anyone...just share with him n tell him its upto him , if he says I shall forget and if its needed he can take some step. This way he is convinced that I do not deliberately want to disrespect anyone in house and he is gud to me. Isnt that enough for us ladies?! Just keep yourself busy...You are not a housewife...most of ur time must be going out of the house. Keep your calm then.

    All d best.
    Dr.Supriya.
     
  6. megane

    megane New IL'ite

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    hi
    i can understand ur situation i think u should stay calm at this time !!!!
    i also gone through the same situation ....what i did is i worte Ganesha mantra 1000times
    daily for 4months without missing single day .....u belive it or not with in a year
    we went to abroad away from all this mess, now we are happy my husband project also got
    extended for 2more years all is his blessings and we blessed with a son ganu all my problem come to an end ....
    one thing i tell u every one has to die... one day ,life is very short try to be happy always
    if u trust in god ... try this but with full devotion till 4months u should detach from all ur negative thoughts...
    iam sure Ganesha will give u some solution to ur all problems may god bless u....

    rgards
    love
     
  7. shrutidunwoody

    shrutidunwoody Bronze IL'ite

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    It is just 2 years of your marriage. Such problems tend to be there especially when you are in a joint family. But atleast be happy that you are working so that in the entire day you are busy. ignore everybody but just try to have a good bond with your dh. Never complain to him about your sil or mil. Just try to be diplomatic. Just pray to God that all your problems get solved. May be once you have kids things might be different. Please dont worry .

    Try talking to your dh that you want to live seperately. But again dont complain just tell him your concerns.
     
  8. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear,


    I beleive in your situation every one is one right in there own terms.
    So all togethere the sitation if not going well.
    Any mother would support there kids irrespective of any issue.
    Your husband won't support you and can't support you becuase for him you are the wife and there are the blood relation.

    Your SIL is kind of immeture and you have to handle with it diplomatically until she get married.Don't get bad on her.Understand as her your sister.
    Why don't you try low profile until she get married.Like don't go and buy nice stuff for you.Just keep low profile.
    Always say to her that you are most important for your brother and let her ego settle down little bit.Don't expect you get support from your husband and MIL if you go against her.So try to understand her and be nice with her.

    It's like it's her house and you came to that house and they way any unmarried person feels and because of that she wanted to dominate you.You need to understand her position and act smart and mature.
     

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