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Life is a curse for me.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by inpain, May 7, 2010.

  1. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Unfortunately in many parts of the world, and in some orthodox families in India, virginity is a big prized posession. I really don't blame the OP for going for that hymenoplasty. If my future was at stake and I was either going to become a spinster or worse because of my virginity issue, I too would have most likely gone for the hymenoplasty. I read an article not too long ago in a woman's magazine, that somewhere in the middle east, some families will kill their daugher/dil/wife if they discover she was not a virgin on the wedding night. Faced with that kind of threat, I bet ALL of us here would opt for the hymenoplasty. Unless we had an alternative like marrying a liberal guy or running away to the US.

    Although her first relationship wasn't a mistake (just a passage of life), majority of orthodox families (and men) would view it as such. Yes, it was a lie by ommission to let her husband believe she was a virgin. But it wasn't a malicious lie. She did it to salvage her future. Wrong? Yes. But totally understandable, and I have a hard time coming down on her harshly for it.

    Also, so many times on this forum women have advised each other to keep their past love affairs a secret to preserve the marriage, citing "past is past". So, is it really so odd that this woman did the same by not mentioning her past relationship before getting married to her husband? And are we even to assume that the man himself was a virgin upon marriage? Lot of times guys are not virgins upon marriage, yet the topic never comes up and hence it's kept a secret. So is that a big lie too? Just seems we grill women for the virginity issue but not men. And I think it's an unfair double standard.

    Anways, it is what is is. And I think we can all agree, that this mental tension, hidden secrets, and stress will destroy the marriage if it's not fixed. OP has to admit to her husband what has happened, and that way she knows where she stands in life.... and can either move forward in the marriage, or start over in the hopes of finding a new partner who will accept her past.

    Personally OP, you have cheated in the marriage by sleeping with the cousin. He is a scum bag for pressurizing you, but you also were very wrong to give in to his sexual advances to save your own skin. The sooner you tell your husband, the sooner this guilt will be off your chest, and the sooner you can move on from this chapter in your life, be it with your husband or without him. He deserves to know what has happened, and should be given the opportunity to decide what HE wants.
     
  2. sarma

    sarma Senior IL'ite

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    ASG,

    Why capital HE?

    And why do you assume he has no skeletons in his closet? And if he has skeletons in his closet, what confidence do you have that he will come clean also? And if he also has skeletons in his closet and doesn't come clean do you think he will at least feel guilty enough for not coming clean to give her a fair shake?
     
  3. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    If I am following this thread correctly, then we are talking about HER, not him. So, any skeletons that may lurk in his closet are irrelevant to *this* discussion.

    IMO, she has the duty to be faithful to her husband. She has failed in that by having sex with the cousin. She went to the extent of indulging in adultery to hide her past - so, the best thing would be for her to come clean. As someone else pointed out, there are probably more people out there who know about her premarital affair and if word gets out that she will sleep with a blackmailer, then who knows who else will try to bait her? So, to give her a break and to cut herself some slack, she needs to come clean about that affair. She does not need to tell her husband - in graphic detail - the minutest things, but she DOES need to come clean. Not for HIS sake, contrary to what everyone else is proposing - but for HER peace of mind. To put this behind her and to make a fresh start in life. This past affair obviously bothers her quite a bit, so it is time for her to bury it gloriously and for ever. She also obviously cares enough about her marriage to want to hide it from him, but since the hiding has created MORE issues for her, coming clean is the only viable option. Secondly, given that the cousin seems to like 'free sex', she needs to get herself AND her husband tested for STDs. Who knows how many other women this jerk has slept with and what diseases he is harboring??? Oh, and I would also look at legal options at this point of time. Blackmail isn't exactly 'legal' - no matter where you live.

    As for the argument that the husband should have KNOWN that he probably wasn't marrying a virgin, especially given she is a metro girl who further worked in the hospitality industry, - I don't know about anyone else but I personally find this insinuation that metro girls or girls in the hospitality industry tend to sleep around to be extremely insulting. Please stay away from such sweeping generalizations, especially since they are not going to help the OP even a wee bit. And, regardless of her past prior to her marriage, she has made a mistake now and she should own up to it and come clean - esp. since the risk of disease is now involved.
     
    Last edited: May 8, 2010
  4. sarma

    sarma Senior IL'ite

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    Sorry. I disagree. His issues are relevant for her to map out her options.

    I don't even use the v-word and the insinuation is in your head and not in anything I typed. I just listed how she spent her life to note she has had a life. Any connection with the v-word is in your head! Sweeping generalizations!? OMG!
     
    Last edited: May 8, 2010
  5. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Capital HE because I meant to emphasize that up until now, his feelings haven't really been taken into consideration, and that for once, he needs to be given a chance as to what he wants in life aftering knowing the TRUTH and the reality of the situation.

    I never assumed he didn't have skeletons in the closet. In fact I made it clear in my post that for all we know, he himself might not have been a virgin at marriage, but because of the double standard, might not have been grilled about it like women get grilled. (see my quote below)

    That's true. I just felt bad that some people sort of demonized her keeing this skeleton a secret, a secret that probably many other people keep too... and possibly even the husband as well. Sex before marriag isn't exactly uncommon. Of course I was not refering to sex with the cousin, as that is one weird skeleton that is uniquely HERS.

    I agree. See my quote below:
    As for coming clean for her peace of mind, I mentioned NUMEROUS times that it would feel good to get that guilt off her chest. Also, I never implied that he should have "known" he was not marrying a virgin because she was a metro girl. Don't know what made you think I meant that.
     
  6. Peperoncino

    Peperoncino New IL'ite

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    Side topic:

    The issue of hymenoplasty is on some level, a reflection of society, and the importance it gives to a piece of membrane. And more often than not, women who undergo this procedure do so for the sake of their own families as much as they do for their future ones. So, my guess is that OP did it for her family just as she did for her husband’s; otherwise I cannot imagine why her sister would have advised her to undergo the procedure.

    On another level, it reveals a lack of self awareness of one’s own body. For Pete’s sake, just because your hymen is torn does not mean you are not a virgin; and not every female is born with a hymen. And therefore I am surprised that the OP’s sister, being a doctor and all, was not able to explain this to the sister.

    And the fact that the OP did not want to reveal her relationship with her then boyfriend to her family because of her sister’s wedding, I guess, illustrates the fact that perhaps her family is pretty conservative. So, to say that she should have owned up to her past is quite unrealistic, especially in an arranged marriage scenario when you hardly know your intended and are not sure how he (or she or your family) will react.

    Sometimes people do the very thing they detest to protect someone they love, or even to survive, no matter how ridiculous, or silly, it may seem to the outside world. We won’t know till we walk a mile in that person’s shoes. So, can we stop viewing the world in black and white, and stop putting out such sage statements?

    Now back to the current situation:

    Basically, the OP is between a rock and a hard place. Only she knows the consequence of coming clean, or not coming clean, to her husband. I do not know her husband’s character, and neither do I know that of her or his family. The husband might be a gem of a character, come around and stand by her, OR he could absolutely go off his rockers, throw out of the house, or worse (in the middle east, women can get killed for these sort of things). Whatever choice the OP makes she needs to prepare for the worst case scenario, and be strong enough to deal with what come may, and yes, even being prepared to be cut-off from her family. Basically, she needs to weigh her options and decide her next course of action. Whatever she decides is not going to be easy, and whatever she decides, there will be a long road ahead of her before any semblance of normalcy returns to her life.

    What I can say to the OP are these:

    Be honest with yourself; who were you really protecting when you did not want the photos to "get out"?

    Is there someone you can talk to? Like a counsellor? Reason I say this it is impossible to get all the details in an on-line forum, and regardless of the advices given, ultimately it is you, and you alone who are responsible for any decision you make. And you need to be brutally honest with yourself on why you did what you did, and how you want to move forward. None of us need bear the consequences of any decision you end up taking, only you. And therefore you need to be absolutely sure that you have got as many bases as possible covered, and accept (responsibility for) the decision you will be making.

    Get tested for STD, and if you are positive, then there’s the chance you could have infected your husband, which means then you really have no choice but to come clean, unless you think you may have gotten it from your husband.

    If you don’t respect yourself, no one else will. And you need to regain control of your life, and like sarma said, start by telling this cousin, or anyone else who tries to blackmail you, to take a hike. Tell yourself you have done nothing wrong in your former single life, and there is nothing to be ashamed of. You fell in love with someone, it did not work out, you moved on.

    Understand that there are things that you can control and things you can't; focus on the ones you can.
     
    Last edited: May 8, 2010
  7. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    How?

    The 'V-WORD'? Virginity is not a bad word for you to refer to it as the V-word (like the f-word or the s-word or the b-word)

    Anyway, let me see.

    Maybe you could care to explain your insinuations about women from metros with 'international exposure' and 'working in the hospitality industry' here and how the good doctor should have had an idea about the 'world' unless he was from the Amazonian rain forests??



    HUH? So, if he did not ask, then it was because he didn't want to know, and, if he DID ask, then she could still ignore / skip the question and not share that info with him???? :idontgetit:

    Here we go again. The insinuation about women who live in a metro with a hospitality industry job and international travel

    Frankly, to some extent, I agree with you in that what she did before she married is her own business - even though the surgery was in poor taste and a deliberate attempt to mislead / manipulate her fiance. HOWEVER, what she does AFTER her marriage is her husband's business, especially because she has slept with someone who seems to be a player and who MAY have passed on something to her. She needs to get tested and she further needs to admit the affair because

    (a) Multiple people seem to know about the affair and others may try to similarly take advantage of her

    or

    (b) The cousin may tell the husband, and he may embellish it here and there, so it is best if the husband hears it from her, rather than from him.

    Contrary to what SOME people think, spouses have the responsibility to be faithful to each other. Frankly, I don't really care what my husband did (or did not do) before he married me, but I sure as heck do care about what he gets up to now that we are married. I am sure it is the same for MOST people.

    So, while the good doctor should probably let her premarital affair go, I do think that he may have a harder time accepting her extramarital affair, no matter how 'extenuating' the circumstances. Furthermore, this cousin seems to be quite the player and if I were the husband, then I'd damn straight WANT to get tested to rule out any diseases that I may have contracted, unbeknownst to me. Marriage is supposed to be based on trust. I am sure Ms. Pain would not want her husband to sleep with someone else (no matter what the reason), and, would want to know if so, and I think she owes the husband the same courtesy. Furthermore, as I stated above, that cousin seems to be the epitome of jerkdom and he may tell the husband. IMO, it would be better if the husband hears about the premarital affair (and the extramarital affair) from the wife, rather than that jerk of a cousin. The husband and wife should present a united front to this guy and tell him off - and for this to happen, she needs to talk to the husband first. Counseling may also be called for. Betrayal is a difficult pill to swallow and the couple may be in for some serious counseling before this marriage heals itself.
     
    Last edited: May 8, 2010
  8. inpain

    inpain New IL'ite

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  9. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    Dear InPain,

    Good to hear from you and also know that you are taking some steps in the right direction. May you have all the strength and courage to face your life moving forward. Love yourself and you take charge of your life. My prayers and good wishes for a healthy start.
     
  10. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    When did you take the blood tests? I am asking because you say that you had been to the psychologist 'today' and that she had suggested blood tests -- which have already come back negative?

    Secondly, how long has it been since you had sex with that jerk? It takes a while for your body to develop anti-bodies to HIV, so if you have had sex with this jerk in the last three months, then you should wait for AT LEAST three months to test for HIV (it GENERALLY takes the body 90 days to develop the HIV antibodies). Secondly, your husband should be tested EVEN if you turn out negative because if he contracted anything from you, then he needs to wait 90 days from the date of encounter to test for antibodies too.

    Thirdly, don't beat yourself up anymore. You made a stupid mistake by allowing yourself to be victimized. It does not speak well of you but cut yourself some slack, come clean and just make sure that you don't do this again. Get rid of this guilt - it wasn't YOUR fault that your boyfriend took advantage of you. And, you fell for the cousin's blackmailing in an attempt to protect your marriage. It wasn't the smartest choice in the world, but even though your action was unacceptable, your motive is understandable.

    So, don't beat yourself up about these mistakes again - let them go and stay strong.

    I'm glad that you're getting counseling. This will help you come to peace with your past and will heal you AND your marriage. Hang in there. This too will pass.
     
    Last edited: May 9, 2010

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