Life is a curse for me.

Thank You, for laying it out neat. :bowdown

 

Oh Spydee,

Get off that high horse!

People are human and make mistakes. Inpain did not need to tell a future hubby about past relationships unless asked! Besides she was 30 when she got married from a Metro like Delhi with international exposure and had worked in hospitality industry. Unless the doctor is coming from the Amazon rain forests, he should have an idea of the world and he surely didn't ask, imo, because he didn't wanna know!

Secondly, Inpain should be in damage control and think the best strategy to salvage the issue and move on. I hope she realizes that entertaining this sleazebag of a cousin was a mistake.

Mu suggestion to OP is ask the cousin to take a hike and let the chips fall where they may. If the hubby asks tell him the past and tell that it happened and you love your hubby and you didn't mention because it didn't come up.

 

sarma,
Going to the extent of a surgery cover-up, that is cheating in my books. The DH (Doctor) deserved to know when things are going to that extent.

Anyway - as we all understand - the bigger mistake is the #2 with the cousin.

The first lover was a COWARD and insincere fellow. Nothing can be done about that now.
The cousin is a SCOUNDREL. I hope legal action is taken against him for blackmailing.

But that apart looking at InPain currently- I think "letting chips fall in place" will be a big mistake. My opinion - come clean with the doctor at least now. Let the doctor have time to endure the shock, agony etc. and he will eventually (after months and months maybe) take a decision.

 

Sarma, I always value your posts.. Infact there are times I checked some threads just because you replied. But this one.. I can't agree fully. But I know you do not need my consent. yet as a friend, I shall just tell what I feel.

Going for a surgery to HIDE the past is not the same as simply not telling the truth just because it was not asked for. It is a deliberate act of mistrust and cannot be labelled easily as a simple mistake. Mistake is what we do when we do not know what is right from wrong.. OP knows her past would haunt that doctor else why would she opt for a surgery? If she believes in that, her past is no business of the doc, why should she go the extra mile to make it look like there is no past? She might as well hold her head high when the question on her past comes up and tell the doc, "yes I did it, but it is my past", right? why did she cover up?

Anyways, I do not want to take the thread on a tangent. Just wanted to tell you what I felt.

 

Mistake is a mistake whether made by a man / a woman. Eventually they have to face the consequences of their actions. This is my beleif.

If your husband would have done whatever you have, what would be your reaction to that??? just ask yourself.

Moreover there is no point in blaming your sister, who told you to hide all this, remember did you ask your sister when you were going out with the man from gulf?? NO. your sister just like any other parent/sibling was all worried aobut your future and marital life so she might have said that hiding it from your husband would be the best possible solution, as we never know what would be the end result. However the final onus and responsibility was on you. Before getting married you shouldhave made things clear to the doctor rather than going for surgery and making it all look normal and sweeping it under the carpet.

You are making more mistakes just to hide the first mistake. To cover up one, you are creating more worst situations for yourself.

Come out clean tell your husband what happened and be ready to face the consequences.

By the way I dont think that the man#1 from gulf is a cheater. Because he did ask you to disclose the relationship to parents, but you said wait! so guess how any man would react to such condition coming from a girl! I think he would have thought that you are not taking your relationship seriously, that too after the physical intimacy part. So he too might have taken it lightly and left because if you are not serious, why he has to care. (Now dont say you were worried about your sisters marriage etc..etc.., if you say you love a guy, and in what way your sisters marriage would be affected I dont understand, there are always ways to deal with this, unless you really wanted totake it slow iwth this guy!)

Coming to man#2, if he had blackmailed you, you should have told him that you would call up his parents/wife/siblings and say that he is doing all this etc. instead to cover up the whole mess you gave in!! now again he is asking for it. Havent you watched any of the movies on such similar story lines...finally you are the one who made a fool out of yourself and sorry to say you sound more like a self centered girl who doesnt care about others feelings that too your own husband. (you cared about your sisters marriage, but not about your future partner on how he would accept you with all this..)

I am baffled only for one reason, past affairs/relationships few of them do have, but you have gone to an extent of surgery to cover it up soo meticulously makes me worry more on how a husband would take it:hide:anyways...please do let him know what all happened and also be ready to accept what ever he decides. (all this while you have been accepting what others asked for...so for this time do it for the sake of the man who married you).

 

Folks!

I don't think she came here to be judged. It would be nice if we get off our high horses!

In pain:

A few observations:

1. You did not need to tell your hubby about your prior romances unless asked. Even if asked you had a choice to skip it. So don't fret over it. (He also didn't tell about his past.)

2. Get this sleazeball of a cousin ioff your back. Who knows what all he will make you do? Wise up and realize that he will keep pushing it if you let him.

Stop talking with him and meeting him. You were married at 30. You live in a metro with work history in hospitality industry and traveled the world over. If he (your hubby) was worried about your past he'd have asked. So ask the cousin to take a hike. (And prepare to accept to let the chips fall where they may!) Even if you hubby comes to know of the prior romance, you can explain it and always were willing to talk if you were interested and that you didn't bring it up because we both love each other and past is water under the bridge!

3. What you did (had to do) with this cousin doesn't make you look good. So it might be best to your overall story if that doesn't come up (admitted to) at all.

Also, if I were you, I will let the chips fall where they may and not admit to actually those two indiscretions at all. Any way, next time, don't compound your mistakes

Good luck!
P.S. This sounds much like a post before this. I thought the previous post didn't make it and retyped this. I did not delete the old one as it was already referred to in other posts. Thanks for your patience with this duplicate-ish post

 

sarma seems to be subscribe to the philosophy of "Its all good, as long as you dont tell me otherwise" - no matter what happened behind the scenes.

I dont know if doctor is of the same mind, only OP will know.

 

If I am GOD and/or am sitting in judgment, I will need all that!

But if someone came to me for advise hoping I will take her side and offer her the best options she has, I will be friendly and give her my best take based on the hand she has!

What are friends/ILites for?

P.S. About hymenoplasty: I think what a woman does with her body is up to her! (at least prior to marriage)
P.P.S. As a guy I might feel manipulated by her choice but the woman is herself, she is not made to my order nor will she need to bare her soul to me!

 

If OP wants to have 'western/cosmopolitan' values & feels the Gulf Guy was nothing more than a relationship that didnt work out, then she should have the guts/nonchalance to tell her DH(like a western woman would) that he's not her first relationship.

If OP wants to be a traditional 'bharat nari' that her current spouse would have expected/accepted, then OP should have lived that way or atleast told him that his ideology doesnt match hers, please find someone else.

She pretended to be someone she wasnt & now wondering how to minimally affect her current way of life & security. OP, you want to have your cake & eat it too, who cares about about poor cuckolded dh!!

I am surprised that so many ILites want to sweep things under the rug just to keep the peace. What happened to being ethical & honest? Are only men expected to be that way? If the OP was a male, there would have been tons of posts asking him to come clean & stay at his wife's feet begging her forgiveness the rest of their life. Since OP is female the mantra seems to be reveal as little as you can get away with!!

Also, what about STDs? The 2 cads OP slept with are definitely 'players'. OP needs to get herself & her DH tested for STDs especially since OP's DH is in the medical profession.

Blaming her sis? What did the sis do? Gave her advice, it was upto OP to take it or not.

Remember, there is atleast one other guy (in Paris) who knows about this sordid affair. Probably many more of her Cruise Line co-workers. Lets say she reveals as little as possible & keeps her Dh happily unaware, is she going to 'oblige' each time some pervert decides to blackmail her?

Never once did OP mention the love she had for DH, if there is no love, why stay in the marriage?

OP: Come clean to your DH about the whole mess including every pertinent detail, leave the decision to him & be strong enough to accept his decision however it may affect you life.

JMO.

--DDC

 

Same here, True! I find your posts warm, friendly and cheerful.

I think she admits to the coverup and she is not proud about it. So does it not count as a mistake in hind-sight? Does it deserve capital punishment? Besides it was her own body!

Also in this case, it's possible that she was carried away by her sister. I recall a colleague (from middle east) mention that the groom's side could have a bride examined by a doctor for this. I guess it's popular over there. If this sister practices over there and if this is a significant part of her practice and if she offered it readily, OP could have been tempted because it's available to her so easily and that it's so discrete.

Also I know so many other lies in Indian weddings: forged horoscopes, aborted pregnancies, lying about health, degrees, jobs, connections, wealth etc etc. I am not equating this to others but it's right up there with the rest.