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life help

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by del, Aug 8, 2015.

  1. del

    del Senior IL'ite

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    Dear frnds,
    First time i am writting post in this forum.
    From the starting of th marriage we both are fighting more and more because of ego clashes.
    I dont like m in-laws because they expect everything from my husband and i feel he behaves like that because of their influence.
    My sil is the biggest drama artist, she troubles us in very cunning way.
    Because of all fights and everything, I am not liking my husband also.
    I love him to the core before but after my son birth my in-laws created somany problems and v had somany fights and they took my husband away from me and after few days we had some family meeting and they consoled and send us back.
    All these days are passing just like tat, but again serious fights are starting, I dont know problem is from which side but both are not loving each other and now even though I dont like i dont want to go for divorce and all because my son's life is important for me.
    Please help me how to handle my case.
    In recent fights he started telling i am not sure whether he is my son because you are not behaving like normal family women, he is comparing me with his mother.
    she was uneducated and home maker so she was very calm and obident in the family it seems, since i am not like that he is getting that doubt it seems.
    After hearing to that i feel like taking revenge on him, he has a younger sister, if somone tells tat word to his sister then he will understand the real pain.
     
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  2. Gauthu

    Gauthu Bronze IL'ite

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    Del,

    You dont want to get the divorce because of your sons future and you have no alternative but had to stay and save your marriage. Also you need to solve the issues created by your husband. Is your dh alone the problem raiser or inlaws.

    As your mentioned theree is also a problem with your inlaws..the issues are created by your inlaws and your husband is more influenced by your inlaws.
    So he had no control over whatever he speaks...
    He uses such talks and tortures you out of influenced by your inlaws ---->If it is because of inlaws, you need to cut them out of your life and your family...

    He talks like that with some other underlying intension ( find out what he really want to get out of these talks and arguments).----> if this is case, teach him a lesson and get him to know how it is affecting your family and how much painful to take such words.
     
  3. del

    del Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks for the reply, if I tried to avoid my in-laws, he became more agrssive and behaves like a mad guy only.

    Right now I am living near to my sister's home, so when ever he goes to out of station I go to her home, now they are thinking that my baby is getting closer to my side relatvis than his side... I go only when he is not at home, but he will tell they are many ladies who are staying in abroad leaving all alone, but y I have to live like tat? he never leaves any of his relations and responsibilities for us.
     
  4. Grihani

    Grihani Gold IL'ite

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    If you want to stay in this marriage, you have to put efforts from your side. You cannot change others, but certainly you can change yourself and see if that improves things.

    First of all, forget everyone else in the family, concentrate only on your relationship with your husband, dont argue much, dont bring up unpleasant topics that you think will bring fights, smile all the time, play and laugh with your kid, if your husband reacts bad keep quiet, dont talk much. I am saying all this because if relationship improves between you both, if the bond becomes stronger then it becomes harder for any third person to come in between. With your in-laws let your behavior be polite, formal and distant. Treat them well like guests, listen in one ear and let go in the other for now.

    Right now the worst side of him and you are more visible than the better loving side. Dont forget that you both have to live together forever, and so only that relation is most important. Speak with your husband in normal tone always regardless of how he behaves, and convey to him you want things to get better for the sake of the child. Tell him you want him to live in a normal household and not see bitterness between his parents for that sake you will do everything. Your husband will not change in a day, give it sometime, he might change.

    I am only saying all this because you love him and you dont want to leave him. Everyone has a soft and nice side, tap into that, dont bother about your in-laws, let them complain ..if your husband starts believing in you he will stop listening to others.

    Good luck
     
    2 people like this.
  5. Gauthu

    Gauthu Bronze IL'ite

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    Del,

    Seems like your dh only wants to win his argument comparing his "relatives " with Yours. But why do you even take his arguments into consideration when he cares only to win but not understand.
    He doesnt want to leave his relatives and neither you. Are these "relatives" can save your marriage or change your dh behaviour towards you?? think about it. why have useless argument on these people.

    But your main issue was your "dh atitude and behaviour" towards you. You need to work on his atitude and find out any scopes to turn every argument into an pleasant discussion. This discussion can slowly turn into an understanding... When he understands, things can be smoother than before.
     
  6. pear

    pear Gold IL'ite

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    The total standard of your dh in questioning your character ...........and the parenthood of son.You think he is doubting you for a reason or trying to control you through his tongue?.....if its the later case you need to understand that you cant change your situation much. The standard/ basic character of a person does not change with time?

    Prefer to live in this marriage if you could take this degrading talk for life .
     
  7. del

    del Senior IL'ite

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    Thank you somuch gauthu, grihani...really your words are some hopeful. I will follow.

    Pear he talks all nonsense to just win the arguement... To show that his side people r very great than mine
     
  8. pear

    pear Gold IL'ite

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    In order to show his family greatness ........he likes to accuse you of sleeping around ......and even declares that you may have concieved your son from somebody else .doh1.He thinks by downgrading you to a characterless women he is doing a favor to his family.How did you come to take such words as normal acceptable ones?

    You want your son to grow seeing your dh questioning his parenthood or worst still accepting that its okay to question the character of women to keep them under control.Your son wont be able to give you any respect if he sees you taking this kind of abuse from your dh daily or worst still he may follow his fathers foot steps in verbally abusing you.

    Do yourself a favor ,the next time he repeats this statements raise a huge drama that he never dares to use that again with you.Refuse to solve the issue unless he agrees to a DNA test and places pull stop to his bad mouthing you.If you are working (just ) threaten to leave the job to make him stop the abuse .(his mom is not working so why should you?)

    As long as you think its harmless to question your character he is going to do it casually to win an argument or to make you agree to his wishes.Most probably he grew up watching his dad bad mouthing his mom.
     
  9. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    Great advice given by @pear.

    OP, please follow this advice, force him to get DNA test done (expensive test, he has to pay good amount of rupees, for his bad mouthing and will never dare to say things like that to you again).
     
  10. del

    del Senior IL'ite

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    I told him that we will get DNA done, then he start he will call all his parents and my mom and he wanted to talk to everyone it seems...

    I know that he may do either extreme just to keep his side at best, that's y I stopped arguing much with him..

    I felt not like that I should give him slow treatment, I feel lik his family members should hate him...and avoid him...

    for my sil they are confirming some marriage match now that guy also from same place.
    So it will be easy to take revenge, if it happens to his sister then only he knows the pain, even his parents will understand.

    Ys all the words he uses must have cam from his parents only... he will easily gets influenced by them.
     

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