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life for retired people

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by rojamalar, Apr 8, 2010.

  1. rojamalar

    rojamalar Junior IL'ite

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    Hi,
    We came to this country 35 years ago and are in our early 60s. How is life here for people our age? Children are grownup and are away. Is it possible to live with them at some point? How often is it ok to visit them? How comfortable are parents to visit their children? When I think of our future here in this country, it scares me. Those who have American sons in laws, are they friendly and are the indian parents welcome in their homes?
    I have lot of questions like these?
    Please answer.
    Thanks.
    Rojamalar
     
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  2. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    Real answer: It varies a lot. Depends on the personality of the kids, personality of the son-in-law, current and future relationship with parents/daughters etc.

    Based on observation in my family:
    1. You certainly can visit them, but I dont think you can "stay with them under one roof" for extended time. Visits for one week or so at a stretch are usually ok to stay together. But dont keep giving them advice on when to have babies etc. etc. Just stay out of all that advice stuff and ur stay will be pleasant.

    2. Western culture is typically nuclear family and grown-up kids will expect you to respect that.

    3. Retired life here: I've heard from people of that age that it can SUCK bad for people who came from India 25-35 years ago. Many plan to go back to India and maybe commute to visit once in a while.
    All of this varies a lot. No stereotype answer possible.
     
    Last edited: Apr 8, 2010
  3. sansmomy

    sansmomy Bronze IL'ite

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    I remember talking to a couple who migrated to USA 25 yrs back and now are in their 60s...Both their sons are Us citizens and stay separate from their parents...the couple was in dilema if to return to india forever (of course, without their sons) or not. Finally, they chose to stay in the same city as one of their son's and visit the sons occassionally (for festivals etc) and maintain frequent contact over phone...

    They seem to be struggling with the loneliness but trying to cope up by involving their mind in some of their hobbies which they couldnt persue earlier due to lack of time.

    ~S.
     
  4. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    I have heard the same, that a lot of elderly Indian people who come to US get extremely bored and lonely. I would not bank on living with your adult kids, because they may not be too keen on that idea. I'm sure your kids would welcome you into their homes for a visit, but to be honest, I don't know whether they will want you to live with them permanently or not. Lot of people don't want to live with so many people under one roof in the joint family way. You might have to respect that choice, if that's what they decide.

    My best advice (if you are planning on permanently living in the US), is moving to a community with a lot of other elderly people. Like in the area I live, there's a gated community with condos, villas and houses where mostly the 50+ crowd lives. Some young people live there, but few and far between. Anyways, the nice thing about communities like that are, most people are retired, and neighbors get to know each other and hang out and go places together. Lot of people congregate by the pool and make friends that way, and spend the evenings playing cards and even take vacations together. I have known older people living in that type of setting who enjoyed it a lot and were very happy. It's not an old age home or assisted living or anything like that.... it's just a community where older people seem to like to live. Maybe there is something like that in your area?

    You could also get involved in your community's rotary club (a volunteer organization), volunteer at your local hospital, get involved in your nearest religious group, travel to see all the places you ever wanted to visit, you could take a few classes at the local college in a subject that interests you (i.e. Indian history, art, music, anything you like), you could visit your local YMCA and make friends that way. Basically, put yourself out there to make friends so you have fun stuff to do. If possible, move to the same city as your kids in one of those communities I mentioned above.

    In the state I live (florida), there's another community (besides the one I mentioned) called 'The Villages' and it's a retirement community. Loads of stuff to do, people to meet, you wouldn't be bored there. Google online "The Villages Florida". Check it out, a lot of people have had luck there.

    Instead of making your kids the focal point of your life and relying on them for your entertainment, find a new focus in life and enjoy day by day on YOUR terms... create your own happiness. Once in a while invite them to your place or visit them at theirs, but I would be careful not to get overly clingy. And please don't resign yourself to the idea "I'm old, my life is over". Your life isn't over, there can still be lots of happy and fun times ahead, with or without your kids.

    p.s. Also wanted to say, wherever you live.... please don't resign yourself to only mingling with other Indians. By limiting yourself, you are only limiting your own chances at finding friends. The reality is, in the US, Indians are still a minority, so you've got to be open minded at making a diverse set of friends.
     
    Last edited: Apr 8, 2010
    lotusgirl likes this.
  5. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Roja,
    Actually I think you are in a great country to be retired. I have lots of aquaintainces and friens who are above 65. Infact few are my "boyfriends" as they like to put it. :)

    You can definitely live close to your kids and be involved in their life.You can babysit and definitely help them.As long as you are not meddling in anyones life ...relationships stay great whether in India or here.

    Infact here you have lot of activitoes to go to and no body frowns on you.Nobody thinks that you are old and only way to live is to be doing "satsang".

    You are retired,no kids to be bothered with..GOLDEN AGE!!!!!!!

    Go on cruises and paid package tours to europe. Pamper your grandkids when they come and don't bother about living with anyone.

    Infact your children will ask you to come live with them if they so wish and if they think you need help.

    My situation: My parents like their independence...so although my sister begged them they are living very close to her but separately.Grand kids literally stay there all the time.But each have their privacy.

    Its your choice if you want to go to India. But if I had a chance I would live here and have all the fun that in India they think you are not supposed to do after certain age.

    Join a club and volunteer...that helps too.

    Good Luck
    FL.
     
  6. rojamalar

    rojamalar Junior IL'ite

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    Hi,
    Thanks for your responses. I am trying to gather information and see which will be good for us. We don't want to live with our kids. Everybody needs their space. We live about 1 1/2 hrs from them. We are happy where we are now. I have lot of hobbies but my kids keep telling us to move closer to them since it will be convenient for them. We just moved to CA from east coast and made some friends who have similar interests. I am talking about real old age when one of us is gone. The thought scares me. I talked to my sister and her daughter and son in law want them to live with them which is very nice but not sure how practical. But in India people do that all the time. I think people who come to the us at their old age as dependents have good life. The kids are forced to take care of them. They don't have to worry about paying medical bills etc. Even when they have money they get medicaid etc.
    Any thoughts??
    Thanks.
    Rojamalar
     
  7. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Ms Roja,
    Just my opinion...its better off here. Even if you have no one to take care of you ..you will have good options of Sr citizen centers.

    In India..no such good options.There maybe but I have not seen any.

    You are planning way ahead. Enjoy your retirement and independence till you can

    Take Care.
    FL
     
  8. rojamalar

    rojamalar Junior IL'ite

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    Thanks foundlove.
    There is no question of going back to india.
    You are right. I should just enjoy without worrying about other things.
    thanks again
    Rojamalar
     
  9. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Mam,

    First thing you need to keep your money pool safe. I don't know how practical is that here, But my advise if you have to stay alone then find some one who is in need like shelter or some student who is looking for some support. I don't know what are the possibilities are here. But I believe you can find some one where you will be helping them financially and they will help you little bit physically.

    In our neighbor hood, the lady I guess 70+ (American) and her husband died year a ago and she has having one young women in her house. Right now she is surviving very well. But I don't know details about the young women.
     

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