Life after separation from partner

that is indeed very thoughtful of you. thank you very much.

 

This is indeed a great job. I hope others too will introduce yourself here.

It will be good to discuss things in this forum about single lives.

 

My life after separation - help is solicited

Hi

First of all please accept my heartfelt congratulations for founding such a wonderful site, where people like me can feel at home

Iam a divorcee, who underwent a lot of mental pain,as I wanted to reconcile, but my husband had reservations. I separated 12 years ago and divorce came six years ago. I have a duaghter studying in 8th. She had to undergo open heart surgery. I brought her up single handedly.

While my divorce proceedings were going on (it was by mutual consent), one of my old schoolmate an NRI (US based) came in my life and became more than a friend. He gave me lot of moral support through mails. As per his statement he had separated from his wife, but had to fulfill certain responsibilities, so came to India, every year to meet his wife. I met him twice, once he came to my place for a day when in India and recently when I had gone for an assignment to US. He use to be there for me always, but never use to share his personal side, nor use to allow me to question him. He would always say, no arguements and no complains, when I use to ask him about my status in his life. Then this Dec 2007, I opened my profile in ORKUT and invited him to my friends list along with another female schoolmate who is our common friend and resides in the same city as him. He declined my offer saying that he is a private person and doesn't like to scrap in public.Though he has accpted other people.He said all people on ORKUT are scoundrels. I also, invited one of his female friend (in US) who is in the same field as mine just to have a professional interaction. I introduced myself as a friend of this person and the other schoolmate. His reaction stunned me, he said I intruded into his privacy, by befriending his friend (I think that what ORKUT is meant for and that lady didn't have any objection). This arouse my suspicion and I created a pseudo identity(I know this is wrong) to see if he is lying, yes he was, he accpeted three more persons known to him as friends and he was ORKUTing regularly.The ties have been snapped totally.

Can he be trusted, he has been blaming me for everything?

But, I am feeling miserable for two reasons
-Did I realy intrude into his privacy, as he was in a social networking site
-Why did he cheat me, why he didn't accept me as friend like any-other of his friends

Please help to overcome this turmoil
Thanks

 

Re: please help me SOS

Hello Ansh12...

Welcome to IL. I am thrilled to know you find it useful for you.

Coming back to your question, You didnot do anything wrong by trying to connect to his friends on Orkut. Lets face it boldly. This man is dubious. He may have been good emotional support and shoulder to cry on. But he seems playing some double game here. He doesnot have to hide things like the way he is doing. when you are sharing things about your life with him, He needs to be transparent too. To me it looks he was plain taking advantage of your being vulnerable.

Such a one-sided trust should be tested sooner than later. Good that it happened now. More time you depend on people like this, More hurt you will accumulate.
Any relationship starts with faith and sharing. There can never be healthy relationship between one frank and one dubious person.
Since you had already faced lots of mental agony from your first relationship with Man. I would advise to be more careful and watchful next time. There are some red flags you need to watch.

- The guy who is hiding things from beginning is definitely up to some weired thing.
- The person who doesnot open you up to his friends is also hiding something big.
- when somebody tries to know more about financial set up , chances are they are just after money.
- If somebody is extra nice to your kid, they may be up with some scheme.

and the list goes on..
I know you are managing things alone, hence must have developed a strong sixth sense about fishiness of situations. But the problem arises when woman in question start having feelings for the person, the logic and rationale take back seat.
In such a situations, always have set of close female friends ready to give you third person in-sight.

I hope my answer helps you a bit.
Ria

 

Ria said correct..Please forget past..

 

Hi Ansh,

First of all a very big Congrats for being such an Awesome Mom!! You have done such a great job single handedly that most couple would have found difficult!! *hugz*

About your specific questions -

1) No. I don't think you did ANYTHING wrong about trying to contact him through Orkut. Not at all. So throw that thought out of your mind. Don't beat yourself over it. As Ria said, a guy who does not want you asking any questions about his life, and doesn't want you to meet his friends or family, a BIG red flag should immediately go up in your head. This guy honestly seems to be a jerk. Maybe he was looking for something (?), some diversion outside marriage (?)..I don't know. Whatever was in his head, it definitely made him uncomfortable when you made friends with someone in his friend circle. That means, he could no longer hide things from you or take you on a ride (if he wanted to)...and that must have scared him off.

2) As to why did he cheat you? Your guess is as good as mine. Maybe you were making him feel needed and better about himself (?), or maybe he found you vulnerable and thought of taking advantage of you (?). Again, who knows how his mind works.

If I were you, I would chalk it up as a learning experience. I agree with Ria about the sixth sense of women. Our intuition often guides us the right way, but we tend to ignore it.

Why don't you go for some counseling sessions? You have been under a lot of stress for the past several years and I'm sure talking about it all with a professional will help you.

Take care and I hope you find someone nice soon. Give a hug to yr daughter and lots of love to you,
Aarushi

 

Thanks Arushi for your hugs and kinds words.

You r right, I should take professional counselling.

I confronted this person veru strongly, had lot of arguements regarding his behaviour regardiing ORKUT. He didn't answer convincingly about my query why I couldn't be considered as his friend. He just said, that I have nasty habit of poking into other's profile and he is there on orkut for peopel whom he alreay knows , not to poke into other people profile and make new freinds. He finally snapped communicatio, saying if I argue and complai a lot.

I understand my weakness, I seek approval of people, as I want to be liked not to be condemned the way I was in my past.

Anyway, may be GOD has sent me into to this world with soomeother purpose, that's why he wants me to be alone .May be I wouldn't have been able to share other people's pain, if I woudn't have been through so much of pain.

Thanks again

Best wishes
Ansh12

 

Thanks Shikha for your reply

Warm regards
Ansh12