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Life After Parents

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by anivijay, Feb 4, 2022.

  1. anivijay

    anivijay Gold IL'ite

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    So, I lost my mom 2 years ago. She passed away in Covid .Its sudden and unexpected and I am still struggling to accept that she is no more. I have been living far away from her for last 10 years. But its still a struggle. Every one born is going to die and I think, after certain age , parents should mentally prepare their children to live in world without them. We always talk about how we should treat our parents with respect, love them at their old age etc. I agree and think there is other side as well. I wish my mom could have done the following. I am writing here , if it could help some one or to remind myself one day.

    1. Write a will. This would save lots of trouble later. Please write a will and register it. You could change later if you want. If you want to keep it as a secret as long as you live, write a will and give it to a trusted relative who would reveal it after your death.

    2. Distribute the property while you are alive, if you have pension or other means of living. No point in holding everything till you die.

    3. As much possible, distribute the properties equally between children, unless you have valid reason. If a child works hard and earns good, another child was lazy, didn't study, irresponsible and earn less. you dont punish the good child for his/her hard work and responsibility. I have seen many parents doing this. This would be taken as you love the responsible child , lesser than other child. its very hurtful.

    4.If there were other reasons like, one child goes to work so that other child could go to college. In those cases, you want to give more to the child, who did the sacrifices, please do so.

    5.You have every right to give your hard earned money to who ever you like. But as a parent, please explain why you did so to all your children.

    6.Educate your children on family traditions/ annual poojas and prayers/donations/ charities that you like to be continued after you.

    7.After you are gone, your children (atleast me) still need some one to go for advice /moral support. Identify that person , if there is one in your relatives. Tell your children, that they can trust him/her and speak to the relative also, support my children after me.

    8.Generally , you would be the central point of family. A connection between your children and extended family. Change this. Ask your children to be in touch with extended family themselves. What happend in our family was, relatives would check with my mom how am I doing. She would tell me and I would check with her, whats happening in relative's family and ask her to convey my regards to them. Here I am talking about distant relatives. 2nd cousin,mom's cousins, mom's friends etc. After mom passed away, I kind of become isolated from them. I lost all of them.

    9. If you knew, that you hurted your children's feelings in your life, then please admit and say sorry. It would be helpful to heal the wounds. Don't just leave them in hell and go. If you have any reasons for your behaviour, explain them. Even if they don't understand, do your part at least once, when you have all the means to express yourself. when you are in this side of the universe. After all, they are your children. Dont think your ego is bigger than your love for your children.

    10.Tell your children , how much you love them. If possible, may be record a video in your phone or write a letter. Its going to be a biggest treasure you could gift your children. Their childhood stories, their achievements and how you are so proud of them. If you are not going to tell them, who else?

    11.Don't assume things. Don't have assumptions that one daughter is treated by her husband like queen so she doesn't need my attention, love /share in the property. Talk to them. That may be the picture you are seeing. Reality might be different. Be extra careful, before you decide ,no share for a daughter because her husband is well off. Things may change any time.

    12.Its not possible that all your children live in equal financial status. You are not responsible for that. You can not make it right either.

    13.Dont always choose one child( in most cases, elder one) and ask them to care for siblings. Every one should take care of everyone else. Keeping all the burdens in one's shoulder is not right. Everything should be mutual.

    14.If there are any misunderstanding in the family, between siblings try to sort them out before its too late.

    15.Have proper nominee for all your bank accounts. If possible, tell children now and then about investments/deposits you made and how it should be splitted.

    16.If you are expecting big problems in near future, tell your advice on how to solve the problem. (may be this is too much in general. In our case, my BIL got cancer while mom was alive. And his life expectancy was in question. we knew his days were counted. And he passed away 6 months after mom's death. Now, we dont know what to do with widowed sister who is disabled. I really miss mom's advice on how to handle this. whom she should stay with, go for remarriage or not.. I wish she told us what to do )

    I don't know these are right or wrong. I want to follow this in my old age. A reminder to myself.
     
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2022
    hridhaya, mangaii, Mistt and 14 others like this.
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  2. NOW

    NOW Gold IL'ite

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    I am very sorry for your loss and thank you for penning down your thoughts. It gives a very practical outlook while coping with the loss of a parent in one's life.
     
  3. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    @anivijay, my deepest sympathies on your loss. *hugs*

    I hope you find a good answer soon for your sister's care and future.

    I added a few things to my to-do list. Thanks for this post.
    .
     
  4. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga IL Hall of Fame

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    Words cannot express how I feel after reading your post.

    I pray you have Peace and Happiness.
     
  5. anivijay

    anivijay Gold IL'ite

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    @NOW, thank you.
     
  6. anivijay

    anivijay Gold IL'ite

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    @Amica,thank you. Sister's life is a question mark now. I am in abroad and other sister is not capable of taking care.
     
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  7. anivijay

    anivijay Gold IL'ite

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    @SuiDhaaga, thank you. I cried after reading your post. Now a days, I hardly see kindness towards me.
     
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  8. indubalram

    indubalram IL Hall of Fame

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    I’m sorry for your loss! Sometimes When you don’t know what to do and want to connect with your mom u just need to close your eyes and think about her and ask her the question. She will tell you! I always felt that people go away from earthily world but their soul is near you watching you! I keep my moms photo in my pooja room to worship and I go to her if I want to see her! I feel better. I talk to her within myself! I get a reply!
     
  9. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga IL Hall of Fame

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    Please believe there is kindness in this existence.

    Kindness is hidden, but it is there.
     
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  10. Mistt

    Mistt IL Hall of Fame

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    @anivijay
    I had read your past threads and I understood your feelings. You had mentioned many good points and I wrote down some points in my journal. Thank you for sharing here and hope you will accept and make peace with how the things are. Take care
     

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