Life after an extra marital affair

mythilla · Nov 4, 2008

I have been married for 16 years. My husband though originally from India was living in the US for almost 9 years when I got married,(I am also originally from India). About 5 years later (with a some time happy some time stressful marriage), I saw a court letter ordering my husband to pay up his over due child support bills. I was shocked and when I confronted my husband, he said he had a relationship with an American woman(white) before marriage and the child was a result of the courtship, he however insisted that he has not met that woman since he married me. Also told me that he never met the child as the mom wanted to raise the kid on her own with her new boy friend.

I was saddened but accepted the reality and thought since it was before my marriage(which was an arranged one) I should not worry too much about it. About 2 years later I caught my husband cheating on me.

At that time my girls were 5 and 3 years old. I was financially independent and my brother supported the idea of my separation. My mom though supportive asked me think about the girls (I have to admit my husband is a fantastic father) and give the marriage a second chance.

My husband and I went to marriage counselor where I found that my husband had many other affairs. However since the issue was out on open and we (I have to admit my husband too) worked very hard to save our marriage. In the mean time we also decided to move back to India(my husband said he was burnt out and wanted to raise the girls in India amongst grand parents). I also thought that moving away from the US might give our marriage a new direction

Today (8 years later) I don't trust my husband, have lost interest in marriage and my kids are old enough(14 and 12) to understand that their parents can love them even if they are divorced.

My mom has now left the decision to me. Even though I continued with my marriage there is a part of my brain that constantly reminds me that my husband was once a philanderer and I fear he will go back to his old ways.

Shall I try separating and see if I can find some peace.

PS: Even though I am financially independent the incident has made a serious dent on my self esteem

CuteSmile · Nov 4, 2008

I can see two options in your case.

- Is he cheating you now? If so, please leave him. Don’t lose your morals by living with him.
- If you don’t trust him now, try watching his behavior closely for sometime…
If you feel he is cheating you, have an open discussion (only discussion not fight) with him. If you are not convinced by his answer, leave him and start a new life.
If he is true to you now, remember whatever happened in past is past. Try erasing your past miseries and start a fresh life with your hubby. Trust him but be cautious of your life. When the thought of the injustice done by him comes to your mind, think how good he is now.

If you really love him and feel comfortable with him, then live with him. Don’t fake your life. Relax yourself. Think well and follow your heart.

saami · Nov 4, 2008

Dear Myth

I can understand how difficult is to stay in such relationship for so long...
Its very difficult to forgot the present relationship with your husband and move on. Because you have invested so many good years of your life in this relationship.

I pray for you my friend that God give you peace in your life.

Bye

drjp · Nov 5, 2008

Mythila,
You are one brave and strong lady!
I have a lot to suggest, talk and also seek advice from you.
Number one question:
did he cheat on you recently?
If not, divorcing now will have great effect on your daughters. If you look at all the divorce sites that talk about the worse time to divorce (if there is any such a thing!!) when kids are involved is: when they are teenagers!! I will write more in a couple of days.
Take care and hang in there.

Drpreethis · Nov 5, 2008

Mythila ,

I have the same question like others.. Did he cheat on you again ??
Not because I feel it is important to suggest something to you.. But because I wanted to read what took you so long to get out with it ?? What was that which dug into your wounds again.. ?

Infedility is one of the worst mistake that can happen in marriage !! It is really unpardonable. I agree that it is one thing you can never digest or forgive your partner for !! You are a very good mom , I must say. You waited ... just so that your daughters would understand you someday .. I am sure they would. But are they ready yet ?

Your this sentenc really touched me..
" Shall I try separating and see if I can find some peace. "

So you arent peaceful right now.. Mythila, if you are goin to be happier without him then you must move on making sure your daughters are not affected emotionally ! I dont know what suggestion other than this I can give to a woman married for 16 years and tried hard to survive thru it !
You definitely deserve to be happy.. atleast the rest of the time you have in hand ! Whatever I feel doesnt matter.. all that matters is wether you are happy..

But there is so much to think when it comes to your daughters.. wether they are sensible enough to understand about having divorced parents.. peer pressure , marriage in the future and all that. So if you feel your angels are so grown that they understand their mommy as a woman then.. go ahead and live your life peacefully !! Take care. My prayers and best wishes with you !!

mythilla · Nov 5, 2008

Thanks All for the support and kind words. Let me try to answer all your questions:

1. Is he cheating on me now: I don't know. Many years ago I had resolved I would not spend my time and energy spying on husband. This was partly because, irrespective of what I found out I had decided to stay with my husband until the kids were grown up. (I thank my mom for this advise). Also, the only way to get out of depression at that time was to focus my energy on my kids and career.

2. Why rake up this issue now: Because I am 40. If I plan to move on this is a good time. Obviously I am not 100% satisfied with my marriage and despite all the marriage therapy there is a kind of boredom in our marriage. I also am debating on the risks of moving out now and putting my girls through emotional pain VS continuing to protect my kids and remain married for some more time. Especially, since we are now living in India, I understand that it will be harder. And Since I am living in India it will be harder to move on later. (Kinda catch 22)

3. The good thing that has come out from the long wait is that my husband has developed a respect for me and if I make the decision to move out he will work with me to raise the girls well.

4. But I am an Indian, despite all the living abroad, education and the financial independence, I don't have the courage to divorce. This I sometimes feel is my weakness.

My husband and I respect each other, we have a lot of things in common, but are two individuals who were not meant to live together. To be honest, If I had known my husband for a few months before marriage, I would have broken the relationship. We just have a very different view on life.

Sometimes I think the desperate attempt to view the relationship without a feeling of possessiveness has resulted in a dis-passionate and boring marriage.

vashini · Nov 5, 2008

Dear Mythilla,
If your husband really change then I guess nothing wrong for you to give more time for your marriage. Maybe you still can't digest his past. But if he is still cheating you, then he don't deserve your love.
Take Care,

LOve,
Vashini

Drpreethis · Nov 5, 2008

Dear Mythilla ,

Alright.. let us not go into the issue of him cheating you now.. If you say you both have delvelopd a mutual respect for each other.. that speaks for itself.

Probably I dont understand why you started getting bored of your marriage.. What I do understand is that this is not news to me. I have heard everyone right from my older generation to my own married for a long time say that it is monotonous and boring. The definition of boring does change accordingly. All of us do expect change in lives.. but where would we stop ? If we get one up we long for another. So in toto we need to contend day in and day out.
Marriage is like any relationship where two strangers meet and decide to live with each other. Nothing is flawless .. and we see surprises.. good and bad. So is friendship.. two strangers meet.. liked each other's company and go a long way. Sometimes.. our own siblings differ from us.. There are many of them who part ways or just tag along because they came from the same place. So what can we expect from this stranger we marry ? Who grew up in a different environment like/unlike us. Who had different parents and school of thoughts . Who just passes by one day in our life and decides to spend the rest with us. When we are accepted the way we are.. dont you think we should also ?
You know Mythilla , as I grew up I always wondered how two people like my parents could marry ?? They are so different from each other.. When my mommy says we will do this my pop talks about doing another thing.. End of the day both the things would done.. and sometimes one of them gives it up.. Me and my sis learnt about two different characters .. We grew up drawing everyhting from both these people. Inspite of all the differences between them.. they are so much in love and indeed have a lot of respect for each other. They are married for 40 years now ! My mommy never advised me and my sis on how to behave in our husband's house.. She just allowed us to watch ! She left it to us on how we need to handle our lives.. as our husbands are different in their own ways from hers !! Your daughters must be watching you too.. They are learning a lot from both of you everyday. You said not going for a divorce is a weakness..No , Mythila.. It is not. That is just the way we Indian woman are bought up ! We have seen our parents fight, argue, and disagreeing ith each other.. what we also have seen is no matter what.. they still stuck to each other and laughed together, raised us together, reasoned a lot of things together, gave us the best edu together, slogged themselves for our betterment respite the differences they had. They knew that no matter what they have to be there as parents for us.. They have just inherited it to you.. And you would tomorw to your daughters ! So it is not a weakness.. it is what we inherited.. and learnt.
I do agree when some women need to part ways in marriage.. but the reason should be such that living together becomes dangerous , mentally or physically .. I do not see anything as such in your life.
I can see agony.. but is it so much that you need to part ways..? you must ask yourself. What is that which is so peaceful you will find minus him ? Cant you try and search for the same under one roof ? Mythilla, I dont really know the depth of agony you going thru and what was so bad that made you give up.. But doing it because you feel 40 is an age which is better to do it.. somehow I cannot understand.
Had you been in your daughter's shoes.. would you lke your mommy's decision ? Do not think like an adult and a person with your intelectual.. I mean an exact fit to your daughter's mind ?

See if there is peace you find under the same roof. You want something from him.. probably you can ask him. Do not think your vws are different and stop yourself from asking or tellng him soemthing.. Who knows he might be just thinking the same too ??

Give it a try all over again with a fresh approach.
I am not sure wether my reply would help.. but must admit you kindled my emotions. I wish the best to you. Take care !!

kolli143 · Nov 5, 2008

Dear Mythilla,
I agree with preethi fully. But I see one more thing in your post. It looks to me like you have emotionally separated yourself from your husband years ago and you have been waiting for the right moment to come out of the marriage. It also seems to me like you strongly believe that you will find peace only when you get separated from him.

May be I totally got you wrong, but somehow that's whats I read between your lines.

But if it is right, I think you should concentrate on how you can make your life happy without putting divorce into your children's lives. Especially since you and your spouse respect each other it may not be that difficult. This advise is coming from my own experiences which are similar to your's minus the adultery. So don't think that I am throwing some uncanny advise at you. I am writing what worked for me here hoping that it might work for you too.

your kids are still in their teenage. and this is the most vulnerable and confused age. You have come this far for them, so think about stretching a little bit far so that they can grow into lovely young ladies under the love of you and your husband. Sure your kids will understand you, after all they are your reflections, but it sure will not be easy on them to digest the whole divorce thing in this age.

I would suggest you to try to find some entertainment for yourself like a craft class or learning something new or some voluntary service in a near by school etc to create an outlet of your energy and divert your mind from constantly seeking peace.

You can bring in peace into your daily life only if you remove this "one day I might find peace after I get divorced" kind of idea out of your mind. You have to try find it now. Its worth a try for the sake of you and your daughters, don't you think?
Good luck.

senorita2007 · Nov 6, 2008

hi,
I really admire your mental strength and how poised you are ...
I am much younger to you and I am just saying my experience here.
Although my husband hasnt cheated on me with anyone,still I feel my marriage to be filled with boredom and frustration. I am going with my married life since my son will have a family to lean on. you have told that your husband is a fantastic father and I am sure your daughters had some very very memorable moments involving just the 4 of you. Sometimes its easier to separate when the kids are very young so that they wont know what they are missing. now your daughters may understand that you are separating but will really miss that cozy family times....

So just think about it, because separation doesnt actually mean its a rosy life... so many taboos, ostracization, agony and pain are there too...

all the best