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Lies Lies Lies

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by tuffyshri, Oct 21, 2016.

  1. sanarthi

    sanarthi Silver IL'ite

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    Hi TuffyShri,

    Now i am 34; My childhood name by my parents was a "Liar". Even today my dad has a notion that i am a liar.

    Your daughter is your mirror. You would surely posses some of her qualities and when you are tested with same qualities by your daughter you feel hurt.

    Either you or your husband will have a good imagination! will you call yourself or your husband as a liar?

    Buying things without your knowledge:

    Children need privacy. At times they feel to act like elders; you came to know. Just tell her in causal conversation that let you know anything if she buys even after she buys. And don't scold her. She might buy things for another year or so without your knowledge; Once she gets matured, she will realize and stop getting things without your knowledge.

    The reason is that i did the things in same way. i used to take money and buy things wihtout my parents knowledge when i was 5th std. you know what all will i buy. such a petty things like thenmittai, kadalai burfi, thengai burfi, ( no ice cream parlour those days). These kind of habits will stop as days pass by. Just let her know taking money wihtout your knowledge is not acceptable and if she informs even daily, leave her. let her buy.

    It will eventually stop. when you resist she will find new ways to do the same thing.

    ** I was in the same situation in my childhood. When i take money my parents will shout ; i know my parents weakness; i know my father wont count the amount he has in his pocket so i will take from him.

    When my mom gets my fathers salary for house hold purpose, i will take money from that bulk amount, because i konw my father wont count and will just keep in drawer and will inform mom. in that mean time if i take, my mom will count and will think that my dad has given only this much and i was successful.
    But once i was mature i was ok and i voultarily shed off that practice.
    ***********************
    Don't pass your judgement that she is irresponsible infront of her. let her not hear those words from you.
    If she looses somethings, just tell her to be carefull. Are we too much responsible that we dont spend any extra penny in everything we buy. out desire dont we buy some dress? out of desire dont we buy some thing makeup kit?

    Tell her to be responsible and get things she needed. if you call her irresponsible , then she will surely take money and use to buy things she lost.

    what are you going to loose if you pay 50 rs for the book that she has not returned. just pay.

    i know you are concerned about the lethargic behaviour of her. but if you push her to not to be lethargic, you think she will change?

    Have you suceeded in her eye exercise? Always children win because they are more intelligent.

    One point you have to understand is that this is her way and she will change once she is bit older or out of her experience. Let her be lethargy. let her shelf be in the way she left. one day other the other either guests or her firneds will visit and fearing her respect she will make the shelf clearer.

    The exact point i am trying to make you understand is that you cannot change her by pushing. let her change on her own. Call her friends often to home. let them sit and chat in her room. she will by herself change because she has to maintain her respect of cleanliness amost friends.

    Badmitton, out of some impulse she could have joined. if she does not want to continue, just for the sake of joining why she has to continue?

    Talk to her , associate to a class which she really interested in.




    Most important, morning you along with her do some yoga and meditaiton. only if you are calm you can handle her. I feel you have to be calm inside.
    When children are taught to meditate, they can handle their emotions easily. She is now to enter into a another world where she will have more hormones working on her body. With current situation she will hide more and you get angry more.

    so meditate. calm yourself!!

    Last: Love your daughter for what she is. Don't put your expectation on her!!
    You have got a precious stone. if we cannot carve to a diamond, atleast we can leave as it is. Time will crave out! :)

    Happy parenting.
     
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2016
    SCA, Sparkle, blindpup10 and 2 others like this.
  2. tuffyshri

    tuffyshri Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks Narhari. I u/stand and agree.
     
  3. tuffyshri

    tuffyshri Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks MNR. Am trying my best to keep cool and sure will reach there.
     
  4. tuffyshri

    tuffyshri Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you all for your kind words and suggestions.
    She seemed to completely ignored the incident until I broached it after supper time. She said sorry without even seeing me.. I still dont understand why did she say that. I asked her to face me, kept my cool and just spoke out why did she do that. (Recently I have been preparing few management courses, she got fascinated by 5Whys) so I just casually adopted it to see where she is going to. Why did you take money? "I had to pay penalty", Why you had to pay penalty? "I forgot to return the book" Why did you forget to return the book? "Lab and library gets interchanged; I thought it was lab and not library" So how do you think I can help you? I asked. She has requested me to check with her every sunday to see if she had packed the library book!! Not just that... usually friday badminton is only work outs and no game practice. So she wanted to leave the racquet but I said just in case if the master is not around you might do games so take it. She did and when I picked her back from the class she said that I was right. I used it as a pointer to say "Be prepared. Dont be prejudiced". I think she understood! Next when I started 5 why session was for taking money.. I got two surprises - one it was not Rs. 100 but Rs .500 that she had taken and the second on she asked me why cant she take her own money (privacy?). She has got this cash from my sister as part of her bday gift that happened last week. I returned her question by asking Why is she approaching me for paying for any competitions like olympiad when she already has the money. She didnt reply that is when I explained her that Rs. 50 or 100 or 500.. she is not yet ready to handle the monetary part. I have offered to deal it every time we go to any shop that she has to add up the price, make the payment and get back the balance, thus becoming ready to handle the money. I kind of checked for her friends circle which seem quite normal.
    She initially thought it was the money and balance that I was concerned about. She didnt realize that hiding the truth is equal to lie. She couldnt understand that not returning book on time is negative. I appreciated her that she has NEVER spent anything like this in the past though she had access to money and that she is very responsible in returning the books in our local neighborhood library. I think that has helped both of us. thanks once again to all your views and suggestions.
     
    Laks09 and KashmirFlower like this.
  5. Jazmine83

    Jazmine83 Gold IL'ite

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    you have to act now..reading this is reminding me of my friend from childhood

    Right from young age, she used to lie for very very small trivial things. She will over exaggerate things. This continued into her teenage & later in her adulthood. The lies caught up..at her office, in her marriage..she started losing respect. She is going through a divorce now for the same exact thing..she lies too much & hides financial matter.

    I cannot tell you how many times I feel guilty about her. There was a clear problem and none of us including her parents did anything. We all left it as childhood stuff. Somehow she will grow out of it.

    If I were you, I will consult alone with a counselor/ psychiatrist first & decide the course of action. Sometimes these lies might arise from low self esteem & such things which is best left for the experts evaluation.
     
    tuffyshri likes this.
  6. Jazmine83

    Jazmine83 Gold IL'ite

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    I am also curious OP..

    does ur daughter exhibit any of these behaviors

    - Stammering/stuttering
    - not normal tics..like blinking eyes too many times
    - she feels depressed after her lies are caught & promises again & again not repeat but keeps repeating?
     
  7. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    @tuffyshri - In your OP you mentioned that your DD was trying to hide her diary from you. That she didn't want you to read it.
    Then when you spoke, she seems to think it's okay to take her spending money to school for paying her fines.
    If she didn't think it was something that would concern you why panic about the diary?
    She is a 5th grader right? A 5th grader should know the logic behind being responsible for your library book. If it was something that you didn't send back, she would have come to you for the fine.
    So she does understand responsibility for returns. I don't think she doesn't. I'm sure she thought you would react and hid it from you. The way you spoke to her today was really good. You will slowly get her to open up no matter what. As girls grow older, we need them to think of us as a friend but be a stern mom where required. It's a lot of trial and error but you'll figure it out.

    I think you are being too hard on yourself too for whatever you have done so far. I'm also a very reactive person. I've only toned down because my DD started down that path and I didn't want her to be that way.

    Regarding her money, its not too early to start on making her responsible for her money. I read @Gauri03's post somewhere about her son and his pocket money. How she gives him money every week and he has to write down in a journal about it. I think she gives him five dollars a week. Then she expects him to keep accounts. Then apparently there is an incentive to "saving" a certain amount. I was impressed to read that a 9yrs old buys his own legos after checking the cost of the legos and running calculations in his mind and then deciding if he can "afford" to buy it. Well my teenager hasn't yet gotten there with money. She just never had to. We've always just bought her or not bought her stuff and have always made those decisions ourselves.
    You should try that journal method. Keep her money with you and let her journal. If she needs to pay a fine it goes from "her" money. If she saves, give her incentives. If she maintains her journal, give her an incentive. If she spends too bad, the money is gone. If she is old enough to get money, she is old enough to spend her money on her small needs. Taking money isn't a small thing and it won't resolve itself. You do have to work on making her responsible with money. And fines going from her piggy is very good. That'll help her take her own book without you reminding.

    That way, it's a win win. Her money is in her control and yours too.

    Regarding all the other things, pick your battles. We all want to raise kids with basic integrity, skills, street smarts and other things. The way each person goes about it is different. We learn from our mistakes and we modify our parenting.

    Don't go to the other extreme just because you want to better yourself. There are instances where you have to be stern. There are instances where she will not understand because she is a child.
     
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  8. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Finest Post Winner

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    @tuffyshri-You have got good advice already, I am just going to share my childhood experience. As I can relate to your daughter.

    My mother was a very strict disciplinarian. She just couldn't see why there was a need for me to change or seek out my liking of activity. At a young age she put me in Table Tennis- I didn't care less about the sport. Never took a liking.. all she complaint every time is that she never got an opportunity like that and I was given one such opportunity on a silver platter- somehow I am not taking the advantage. As the first child in the whole maternal family, I have been compared unfairly to my mother's and aunts childhood experience.

    There was no leniency
    - If I make a mistake in taking down a phone number, address or I forget something to write down... Holy crap. My mom would make a big deal... Even if I know I had made a mistake... I would make it seem like it's correct or that's what it was written. Just because I didn't want to face my mother's response. NO I never felt guilty.. coz I knew that's what my mother wanted me to feel. There was never time given to me to feel guilty.. the feeling can't be forced. It internally has to develop. Before my feelings could develop and see my mistake... I was already told how wrong I am ( which I didn't want to be told)

    No money was given until I was in high school- This really bothered me...not that I wanted to buy things, I had no choice in anything.. even in a small pencil case. My mom would buy I had to use. No choice in clothes, no choice in food... there was practically no money even Rs 5 given just in case something happened. And one such scenario did happen.. which I somehow found a way out. 6-8 months back I told my mom how wrong she was in certain things. She did feel bad... but again... it's past. There is nothing but to forgive forget move on.

    My mother was also a working woman- so she had little less time to even know what was going on in my class- she wanted everything to be perfect and no remarks from teachers- The slightest hint my teachers would tell her I am not doing things right or something is late, jeez I hated her reactions. There never was any chance for my feeling or knowing why I didn't do it, what happened. It was always about how my mom will react, how I shouldn't get her to react, how I can make her life easier.

    Sometimes as adults we don't realize or aware of our reactions, actions and how we come across to children. I know children don't make it easy either...finding a balance is what it matters.

    Go easy on your DD. Yes, A+ students always get away with most of the things :wink: If you aren't pampering your A+ achieving unreasonably... Your DD will turn out to be ok.
     
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2016
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  9. tuffyshri

    tuffyshri Gold IL'ite

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    Not sure why you are asking these... but no .. she does stammers/stutters; she is normal only; no depression and all. she is a cool head, doesnt really care about my shoutings and all :) but yes she repeats what she wants to do just because she is adamant to do it that way only
     
  10. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    @tuffyshri
    Dd already in grade !! Time flies, it is so cliche my saying this.

    Hugs to you. I liked the 5 whys.
    I know her hiding the diary hiding things is a residual impact of earlier days and good to know that you are trying to turn a page. Love sometimes we think that a little control is needed ( 5 la valayathathu 50la valayathh, though that has taken a lot of twists and turns ) and don't realise that each child's temperament is different and needs to be handled differently.

    So why don't you open a bank account. Take her to the bank fill the form introduce her to savings. Remove the temptation of handling her big money in her piggy bank.

    Let her imagination soar and guide her on the difference between real and imaginAtion do help her understand because as she grows up her imagination and her writing could be a great support.

    Talk to her about how you feel bad about having been shouting and trying to put the fear because you had too much in your plate and her issues did not help. That you know she is growing up and knows to differentiate the right and wrong and that you want to support and guide her.you need to gain her trust. And she yours, and remember it is a two way street.you need this as she grows.

    Many a family acts/portrays the dad is the giver, the soft ever cheering smiling person and that mom is the strict one. Little do we realise that this power distribution does not go well in the little ones curious brains. The mother becomes the hitler while dad the prince. So make her realise you and your husband, both are a team and want the best for her.

    And love you think she forgets the talks believe me she will be holding everything in her heart. Why is that we adults think we are wounded by our husband's or il's hurtful deeds. Believe me the damages caused by the people we love and respect haunt us for life especially parents.

    Ask her playfully like the 5whys and 5 what's what, she likes about her parents about her childhood till now and things like that. Make it a team game
    invest time and patience and be ready to accept whatever you hear. And take it from there.

    Stop beating yourself for her behaviour. Have good daughter mom bonding times..

    I am against fear.be it parents or teacher. One thing that I strongly feel and taught my kids never fear anyone even god,if you have not made any mistakes. There is a difference between respect and fear and many don't realise and demand respect, that is again given out of fear grudgingly.

    And make her account the money you give if you give any as pocket money.
     
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