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Lies Lies Lies

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by tuffyshri, Oct 21, 2016.

  1. tuffyshri

    tuffyshri Gold IL'ite

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    My DD is doing her fifth grade. And she is of late telling lies in large amount.
    Facts -
    1) She is very studious, always A1 grade holder.
    2) She is loved by all teachers. They always get surprised and start advising me whenever I seek help towards her discipline issues as if I am the one who is making mistakes and not her
    3) She commits mistakes yes, but will admit immediately if being caught, especially fears her teachers
    4) She loves reading books - story books and often spends time in doing that only
    5) She is very imaginative - can write stories; once she narrated an incident to her dad which later was found to be something that never happened, which swept both me and my DH to the extent of how much imagination (I call it 'lies') she could posses. But no, today it is a hard core lie which was caught red handed - read on to get more info
    6) she is not very responsible - she often loses her pencil, erasers, etc. Everyday we will keep searching for something or the other like socks, belt, id card, etc. In spite of me arranging her cupboard every now and then, she will just toss them away in few minutes.
    7) not very committed - eg., she wanted to learn badminton but seldom wants to go the sessions. Lazily she will sit or something or the other she will complaint not to go.
    6) I am a short tempered mom who keeps scolding her, yelling at her, have reduced now - but smack her for any mistake. Her dad is cool and never scolds her, just my opposite.
    7) I scold her when she gets lower marks, yes i do. Have been controlling it of late
    8) please i am not looking for advice to change myself which is a different thread altogether which I am practicing very hard these days. Damage has been done and cannot be reversed.
    9) Advises or heart talking - does not work. She loves listening to stories. So any advise, philosophy, etc. are being attentively heard by her with more interest only you will find it later on that you have wasted ur time. She will forget everything the next moment
    10) Eg., for her eye sight we had taken her to Pondicherry and have learnt few exercises. She decided NOT to do them. me and DH have tried many number of ways - fondled her, spoken with her, advised her, scolded her, threatened her, bribed her.. hmm.. nothing works. She will keep saying like a drunkard "from tomorrow onwards for sure".. that tomorrow will never come but. She doesnt do it, period!

    Incident -
    So here is what happened. Today I tried to pack her bag she came barking and pulling the bag away from me. That increased my suspicion that forced to check her bag. The school diary was something that she wanted to hide from me. She kept on yelling 'I will pack the bag myself'. So I locked myself in bedroom along with her diary to find that there was a note from the school teacher that she had borrowed book from library and have not returned it on time. And that she had paid a fine of RS. 50 and balance 50 has been returned back!! surprise.. neither did i know about the book, nor the fine, nor that she had taken a 100 rupee note, nor that if she still has that 50 with her (am sure she has bought something from the canteen as the lunch bag came back the same way I had packed. Thank god, she hasnt started throwing out the food yet and claim that she had finished the lunch; BTW this incident of spending money is already happened where I gave her some money for buying a sock but she used the balance to eat ice cream. When I asked for change she claimed that her friend had persisted her to buy ice creams which she did, I called the friend's mom to my surprise there was no such incident that had happened!!! she then became teary eyed, blah blah. her friend gave her the punishment by not talking to her, more than lies he couldnt bear the fact that he was being unnecessarily used in her lies. She was not happy with that then and claimed an apology). yes she has ways to reach for the money - 1. she knows where my hand bag is 2. she knows where excess money is saved at home 3. she herself has a piggy bank. but she never has realized the value of money though am a bit strict in spending for unnecessary stuff. If a balloon is burst she never bothers and has the attitude to buy one more. anyway am digressing. I didnt know how to react and didnt want to react as it was time to catch the bus. So i silently gave back the bag and sent her off for which I think she is happy that I didnt react. If I approach the school I will not get any help for sure. So what should i do now? If i confront am sure the advice - listening - i wont repeat this will take place. If i scold her, nothings gonna change. If I tell her teacher, some amount of discipline in school is there - that will get spoilt. I cannot leave the matter also.. I will be more cautious now on to keep the money away from her; to keep checking bags even more than the frequency i do...that and all i will do. But what do i do for the lies.. and for the responsibilities...
     
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  2. Sparkle

    Sparkle Platinum IL'ite

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    Tuffy,

    Who else is at home with you guys? Apart from you, who else does she hang out with at home? She is seeing someone spending money too much and is following it. Could be friend(s) or someone who she wants to be with. Also is she restricted too much with making choices? If you are not buying her something she wants and repeatedly offer something else, they will buy what they what when they have the resources.

    About her behaviour, children practice what they see. She is simply mimicking. Its hard to change at this point because its been that way for a while now. Why call her stories 'lies' instead of calling her 'creative'? When you label children, they will imagine and grow up with that form without them even knowing it. Put yourself in her position and see when someone calls you a liar when you narrate a story you wrote. Would you feel good?

    Never call your child names. How did you even post that ?! I know parenting is hard, but using appropriate language is important.

    You like it or not, if you want to see your DD change, you and anyone around her must change. Both go hand-in-hand.

    Some pointers:
    - Out of home, look at her friends circle. Who she hangs out with, is she is influenced by someone, is something specific happened at school. Peer pressure and bad company can be reasons.
    - She is not praised enough for the good things she does. Her mistakes are pointed out a lot. This should be changed.
    - If she doesn't want to do some activity, don't press her to. Talk and find out why to understand the reason. A sport or exercise may be good in your eyes. She may not understand the importance of it and may find it boring. Either find a way to make it interesting to her or switch to a new activity she likes to do?
    - About money:
    Teach her the difference between her money vs others. Even for the piggy-bank, she needs to earn her money. Make her do some activity/chores. Say the eye exercises, if she does it, reward her a little amount. You can also set a monthly limit within which she should manage her expenses. And reward that amount in chunks.

    What she takes without asking, she should replace. If she took 100 bucks from you, she should give you 100 bucks from her piggy-bank. If she doesn't have sufficient funds, she should do some activities to compromise.

    Its the right decision to keep money/bags from her, but you cannot do that forever.

    - What children want to do is more important than what parents want them to do.

    - When a parent uses appropriate language and eye contact for discussion, children listen to some extent. And discussion should be two-sided, not a one way advice.

    You sound very stressed, Tuffy. Cool off a bit, may be sleep on this issue and deal with it with a fresh perspective!
    Good luck to you!
     
  3. tuffyshri

    tuffyshri Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you Sparkle. No I am not that much a negative person. I have just replied all the negative aspects only. Ours is a regular happy family with going out and buying stuff for kids are regular.

    My younger daughter who is just 3 years old.
    No... this is not habitual; she is not a regular money spender and all.
    Not at all. She has enough choices, decision to make; we get her everything she wants

    My bad... when i said the 'story' she made it was something that she claimed to have happened in her school (something like you would have told in your teens - say some love story that never taken place) and not the stories that she has written. I have always appreciated her writing efforts only, am looking for publishing them in fact.

    As I said am working hard towards changing myself, Sparkle. my point was only to ensure that I get the appropriate responses and not the usual one of 'pls change your attitude' :-D

    Thanks for the pointers again Sparkle. But please tell me what should i do now when she comes back from school. Wait for her to open up (which she will not do), or should i broach the subject. If I should, how should I? What should i ask for? again as i said she will admit, then apologize and then forget this completely until she repeats this sometime later.
     
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  4. Sparkle

    Sparkle Platinum IL'ite

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    What I think is she doesn't have the space to talk openly about everything. Maybe she used to share and was criticised or labelled, so she stopped?! If you recreate that space, the changes will happen gradually.

    You can try these...
    - when she comes back home, acknowledge her coming back home from school with a smile. Proceed with your day normally.
    - Before bedtime, spend 10-20 minutes to talk about her day and also be open to listen. Try this today and bring up the topic of her taking 100 bucks without asking. The reason could be as simple as she had money and she wanted to buy something with friends. Or she bought something for herself and her friends also. The reason for taking the money and hiding it could be that mom will scold me for not returning the book and paying the fine, money is lying around let me just handle it.
    Whatever the reason maybe, be calm. Use phrases like "You can tell Mom anything, its OK". Identify the good things she did and praise her for doing them.
    - If she is not willing to talk today, try the next day. But spend dedicated time talking and listening everyday.

    I suggest you to bring up the topic. Also, overnight the changes will not happen, it will definitely take time. Have patience!!
     
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  5. Narhari

    Narhari Bronze IL'ite

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    Oh my God you are such a control freak. You are trying to control the life of your kid. You sound as if your world revolves round your daughter. You might not realise this now but u are missing on what she is thinking and feeling. Treat her with respect. You are her mother that does not mean that you own her. I am saying this bcos I have behaved just like you once and now when my daughter talks about her childhood days I get the feeling I that she could have done better. You should know that We all learn from experiences and responsibilities. Your daughter is just a kid give her her space. I believe People are born with some basic nature that is very difficult to change. You cannot make her understand by shouting at her. This very behaviour is offensive that is the reason she is not taking you seriously. You cannot bring a change in her until you change yourself.
     
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  6. MNR

    MNR Gold IL'ite

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    Dont we all tell lies? I do at times too.
    She is still a small, and at this age they try all the means to get whatever they want. They don't knwo what is good or bad.

    My DD still 5 years old, was asking me to get pink color clips, which i was resisting for many days because she would not keep them for a week.
    One day she was wearing 2 clips, while confronting she told that she took them from her friend. Initially I was angry and told her it is not good habit to take others. For that her reply was she didnt have pink clips, she love them, but I am not buying for her so took from friend. Next weekend I bought color color clips, immediately next day she returned those clips to her friend.

    Instead of scolding , tell her politely, try to fulfill her wishes once in while.

    Our parenting style has to be changed, we should be friend to them , they should feel free to talk anything to us. She shares most of the school happening with me than her Dad and grand parents. other do so much cross questioning and immediately react if anything unusual.

    She should feel love in our tone, words we use, warning also, should be like no maa not like that maa, when amma was young she was not doing like that amma. amma will feel bad if you do like that. There are the words I repeatedly use , working so far.
     
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2016
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  7. cherrybud

    cherrybud Silver IL'ite

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    Tuffy,

    I can understand the pain and disappointment you are undergoing now. But don't worry. It happens.
    My kid used to bring things from class. Initially I used to feel angry and highly disappointed. But I never used to scold or beat him. Even then he used to lie. Then I realized that it was my tone and facial expressions which scared him and provoked him to tell lies to escape from me.

    So the next time I found something which did not belong to him, I asked him softly but firmly. Moreover I assured him that if he told me the truth I wouldn't punish him instead if I realize that he was lying I would punish him. It was not easy in the beginning and he continued this habit and I also had to be patient.

    But gradually the frequency of bringing things decreased and if at all he brought things he confessed and I made him return them and a kiss with a pleasant smile made him open up. I never missed appreciating him when he accepted his mistakes and I made him realize how those silly mistakes can drastically affect his entire character and how his friends could hate him and isolate him (but never with long sentences and boring lectures). Once we finished that matter it was finished once and for all. I never brought that up for anything. Slowly the habit stopped completely.

    Regarding money handling, I give him a small amount weekly to go to canteen and ask him how he spent the money once he is back home. Sometimes I give him some extra amount and tell him to buy me something from canteen and he does. I ask him the price details and all and he tells me. I appreciate him saying he is responsible and a big guy in the making. This makes him happier and proud.

    But regarding advices he gets irritated if it exceeds a bit longer. So I advice him less and only at suitable times. I never never ever gets angry at him for scoring low marks. I just tell him to try harder next time. But while teaching him and making him do homework, I am a strict mother.
    So, being very strict and beating and verbally punishing kids won't help much in building up their character is my experience rather it would spoil them more. Just controlling our emotions and being patient will yield, but remember it would take time and it's worth the wait.

    You can do it and all the very bests dear.
     
  8. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    I think the problem lies in you. Sorry for being blunt.

    According to me, you are way too much strict. You have no self control, and you are impatient.
    This is the negative side effects of poor parenting.

    First of all change your attitude. Your child will change in no time.

    You must learn to trust her. Don't always suspect her. Suspicion will only force her lie further. She knows her mom will not listen, rather get angry if she confess any of her childish mistakes with you. No kid would want to be scolded or yelled.
    They imagine further and pretend a small yelling to be something very serious. Blame their childhood mind.
    But she will never confess the truth unless and until you change yourself to be an open/accepting mom.

    Let me tell you a similar case with example..

    My son is just 5+. A few months back, he demanded that he wants 20Rs to tuition class, as the teacher apparently sells sweets after the class and many children buy.
    I gave him 20Rs, and he did buy many sweets for that money.
    The next day I did not have 20Rs, so I gave him 50rs. I asked him to buy for 20Rs only, and share the sweets with his friends, specially with someone who did not have money for it.
    He forgot it, and brought so much sweets for 50Rs, and shared some with his friends.
    He is cool with me, so he will have no problem to share anything with me.
    But my H is a short tempered person, and he is too strict with the kids in the name of disciplining them. He yells, shouts, beats and what not.

    That day, I was busy so my H asked him where is the balance money? My son said he lost it on the road. But I knew he couldn't have lost it, because there are too much sweets, indicating 50Rs is used for it.

    later, in a calm time I asked him the same question, and he told me the truth.
    He said he was afraid, and feared dad would go mad. So he lied comfortably.

    I advised dad to behave more than the kid.
     
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  9. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, After your daughter comes from school, change clothes and eat after that bring this topic calmly. Ask her that from where she took the money and what she did with the rest of money. Why did she hide this from you. Ask her calmly, listen to her what she has to say. Don't give her gyaan just Ask her opinion about the whole incident , whether she consider her behavior right or wrong. And if she considers it wrong/right then why does she think so. Just talk to her casually and in the end tell her how did you feel about all this.
     
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  10. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    In addition, please don't judge her. Rather show your fullest support to her. She has stolen the money from your wallet. She lied. Yet, she is not a criminal. She is a child.
    So treat her like one.
    Give a loads of assurance, and repeatedly tell her that you trust her.
    Tell her that you will not blame, scold or punish her if she has taken the money from the wallet.
    Tell her that your love for her will not change for this.
    Like this made up her mind through counselling and talking before she actually opens up. Prepare yourself to hear so much lies in this process, until she actually feels safe to tell the truth.
    Once the truth is out, don't judge her. Don't punish her. Stick with your promises.
    But teach her how it is important to tell the truth. How it is important to respect the value of money.
    Teach her this through stories. Since she likes stories, make up your own creative stories that may touch her mind.

    Btw, don't label her as a liar. Instead admire her creative sense and the imaginary power. Appreciate her talents openly. Tell her that you are too proud for this.
    Don't criticize her. Don't compare her.
    If the child exhibit some bad behavior, it is a failure from the parents' or care giver's side. But it is a great thing that you recognized it, and you make efforts for a change. I hope everything will come to a good end with all your sheer determination to change. Wait, and be patient in the mean time. Good luck.
     
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