Letters from a Daughter to her Father - 5

YOU LIVE ON IN SPIRIT FOR ME, WITH ME AND IN ME​

Dear Appa,

[JUSTIFY]I am really tired today. The ups and downs of life so get me down. I have a bad habit of getting upset and worried over any reverses in life. Somehow each time I find things fall in place once again. Today has been once such day with a major crisis in the house. I suppose I am learning through experience to let things go. Today for instance, I was consciously watching my thought process as I just left things to that higher power to resolve while I started taking some proactive steps to find a solution. Lo and behold, by afternoon things had righted themselves on their own.

It is at such times that I remember you for more than one reason Pa. First of all I remember your calm nature which really took a lot to ruffle. Secondly I remember your unquestioning, unwavering faith in God. I only wish I had that same strength. Today if I am able to withstand the vagaries of life, it is only because I keep reminding myself that there is a power beyond me, though sometimes it has to be done consciously. It is not in my hand to control everything that happens to me. I have to do my bit – I cannot abdicate that responsibility on my part. However, beyond a point, there is a greater Being that looks after me and when I feel that things are really out of hand, I need to let go. This, Thatoo, you, Amma and life have taught me.

As a child, I used to follow you faithfully as you used to ask me to do “namaskaram” to “Umachi”. Amma used to make me say my prayers in the evening. As time went by and school homework started occupying all my evenings, that routine somehow fell by the way. We used to say prayers in school. I was fascinated by the chapel in the school and the beautiful hymns that we were taught. You did not mind that, because you were wise enough to see that all roads led to the same God.

When I was in Class XII, I went through my very first crisis due to ill health. I went into a depression as a result of not being to take the exams that year. It was you who took me to attend discourses on the Geeta which were very interestingly, palatably and relevantly presented by Swami Chinmayananda. That was the beginning of my journey of discovery of what our religion or more precisely the Hindu philosophy was all about. I found the philosophy very fascinating as also the fact that these ancient texts are still so relevant to our modern lives (give or take a few points here and there).

I still cherish the nearly 5 years of accompanying you to Vedanta classes. It was so nice to be able to go to class together. Those were truly wonderful years. Unfortunately I had to discontinue when I went off to the UK. Even after coming back, I have not been able to return to them for one reason or the other. Besides, whenever I go to such lectures, I miss you almost unendurably. I know this is silly of me, but no matter what philosophy I have imbibed, I still remain a soul trapped in a human body with a mind and emotions. If it were possible to overcome all human weaknesses so easily, would not the world have been an entirely different place to live in?

After all Thatoo you too were human (and thank God for that – otherwise you would have been an awful bore) and I love you with all your human strengths and weaknesses. Thatoo, I love you deeply, but even today I do not say you are a God. (Do I see you rolling your eyes comically)? I am sure, had you been there today, we would still have had all our tiffs as well as sweet moments together. Even now, when I occasionally have vivid dreams of you, we do have our arguments and I wake up like I used to talking in my sleep, arguing with you. At such times I remember the times when I used to wake up fighting with someone or the other in my sleep and you used to say “Who else would you fight with? It must have been me. I could not understand what you were saying, but I could make out you were fighting with somebody”.

However, Thatoo, coming back to the point, I am honestly able to say (and I know you would have been very happy to hear this) that it was this very training that helped me deal with your prolonged illness and your departure from this dimension. It gave me the strength to perform your last rites without breaking down. I remember the scepticism I faced from our relatives, who being rooted deeply in the Brahminical traditions, felt I had no right to perform them. But then Thatoo, isn't that what we had agreed many, many years ago during the course of a conversation? It was a pact between the two of us. You never treated me any differently from a son. And I did everything for you that a son would have done. So no matter what criticism there was, I feel very happy and satisfied at having kept up my promise to you. I am absolutely certain you have got the same Moksham that you would have got had a son done this for you. Thatoo, you were way beyond all these beliefs and limited thinking. You were secure in your firm knowledge that the Atma is untouched by Karma. That is why you agreed that I would do your last rites. And this is exactly what has given me a sense of peace and satisfaction over all these years – the knowledge that I was by your side throughout the last year of illness and I was by your side, holding your hand and watching you, talking to you mentally (which I am sure was communicated to you at a different level) as you took your last 3 breaths. I have the satisfaction that I was with you till the last possible moment when one human being can accompany one in life and beyond.

All these years I have never felt your absence, because you have always been there for me – if not in the human form, then as a guardian angel. Only now there are some days when I really miss you a lot, though I know I should not. The Atma never dies. It lives on. Every time I have required help and just thought of you, I have found solutions.

This, my dearest Thatoo, is the most precious gift you have given me – the ability to have a faith in myself, a faith in a power beyond me and the courage to stand up and face trouble head on. I can never repay what you have given me, and I do not ever want to. I have been blessed with your gifts and shall cherish and treasure them all my life.

Now all these are only beautiful memories which will live on with me and go with me. And eventually I know you will be waiting there on the other side with your beatific, dimpled smile to receive me in your arms. I shall wait for that moment Pa.
[/JUSTIFY]

 

Dear Vijima,

Thanks a lot for your very kind words and good wishes.

It is really nice to see your first feedback.

 

Varlottiji,

Thanks for this beautiful feed back. You have really put things in such a wonderful perspective. I agree with you, troubles in life come only to open up new avenues and to lead us further on our spiritual journey.

I shall certainly endeavour to write my most honest feelings and pray for inspiration to do so. I am really happy o have the support of everyone here and it keeps me going.

 

Thanks a lot Sree for your feedback. Looking forward to your continuing support and encouragement.

 

Thanks a lot for the feedback Sudha. Am glad if it in any way helped you. :thumbsup