Letters from a Daughter to her Father - 4

LETTING GO – LESSONS IN RESPONSIBILITY​

[JUSTIFY]My dear Appa,

The rains have set in. Monsoon is here. It's breezy, cool and grey. Perfect weather to go out. P. Mama's daughter Uma has settled here in Bangalore. She is coming and we are going shopping. Amma is advising me to finish the job fast and not loaf around. So just sparred with her just now on the need to go out and enjoy too, not just go for work and come back. We would like to take her along, but she is not willing to stir out.

Thatoo, it always amazes me to think how you and Amma being diametrically opposite in your natures got along together for more than 50 years. Talks a lot of the solidity of relationships in the past. There were no frivolous reasons to part. You remember Thatoo, when you two used to argue, I used to say “Stop fighting, I'm afraid you will get divorced”? Both of you used to have a good laugh at me and the argument would end right there. When you were around, both of us used to clown around and lighten the air a bit. But now I am the single, self-appointed clown of the house to try to make people laugh.

You remember when we used to fight? At times, it would get quite serious, simply because of our different ways of thinking. You were in some ways traditional in your outlook and in my teens and twenties I was quite a rebel. We used to get into an argument over various things.

Some of the issues would really be non-issues. But I guess where there is no difference there is only indifference. You remember how long my hair was. I had grown tired of maintaining it and wanted a new look. You were dead against my chopping it off. But then dad you had given me a lot of liberty all my life and I was used to exercising my right to self-determination. Which I did. I went and chopped off my hair. You were quite mad at me. But after a day or two, we made our peace. After that I grew all my hair right back and then went and chopped it off all over again. I remember how you did not talk to me for 2-3 days till Prabha's husband came to visit us and you could not continue the fight in front of him. So peace was forced on us.

There were other times when we used to rib each other and one thing would lead to another till we ended up arguing again. Then mom would step in and say “Stop now, or you will end up fighting. I've had quite enough of all your banters and your fights”. On one such occasion, you turned to me and said “Do we fight? Do you call these fights”? It was fun how we used to then end up siding one another and mom, much to her annoyance used to be the odd one out.

Dad, with all our arguments, ribbings etc. there was a very strong bond between us. There were some things which I really respected about you even then and the respect for that has increased even more over the years. It always amazes me to think how in spite of your belonging to such a traditional back ground, you were so progressive in your outlook and in your upbringing of me and sis.

Both of us were given full freedom to study as much as we liked. You had no objections to our going abroad to study if we could get full funding. That was upto us. You had made it very clear that you could not afford to send us abroad and fund our education there. But if we could get a scholarship, fair enough. You would not stop us. That was just what happened. Both of us went out on our own steam and you did not stop us. Thatoo, today when I see parents telling their daughters or sons that they can't go unless they get married, I really marvel at you and your absolute confidence in us. Indirectly it speaks volumes of your confidence in the upbringing you gave us. Which father in the early 70s would send his 19 year old daughter abroad on her own to study? I remember even today the tremendous pride you felt when she went. After she returned, you allowed to go on her own and teach in Delhi.

With me it was the other way round. You let me go at the age of 29 though I was not married. You did not emotionally blackmail me, though you were anxious about my future. You supported me in my decision. And I remember how difficult it was for me to decide as I was already enrolled in a Ph.D programme at home on a UGC scholarship. When I asked you for your advice, you used my own rebellious claim that I being an adult should be allowed to take my own decisions on me. You repeated my words to me and told me that the decision would have to be entirely mine. When I asked you “What if it is wrong”?, you told me that only time could answer that question. It was a tough lesson you gave me in taking responsibility for my own actions. Even more importantly you taught me the fact that some decisions have just got to be taken – whether right or wrong only time will tell. What valuable lessons learned the tough and practical way. It would have been so easy for you to tell me what to do – and that would have been what you wanted me to do, but you didn't. I must admit Pa, I don't know if I would have been able to let go, had I children of my own. You were wise enough to realize that if you did that I might live regretting that all my life and may blame you later on in life. You were way ahead of your times in some ways Thatoo.

Even my decision to get married, though very late by Indian standards was my own. Although you were keen that I should get married (which you saw as your responsibility and that was the traditional side of you showing) you never forced me to get married before I wanted to or to someone I did not like (and that was the liberal in you). You only helped in arranging for me to meet this man. After that you did not feature anywhere on the scene until we had met, gone out a few times together, decided that it was okay by both of us and his parents were agreeable. Only after we decided to take the plunge you came here, met him, his parents and family for the first time. After that I had no cause to complain, whether things went wrong or right. It was my decision and I had to live with the outcome. That too only time would tell.

Even after I got married Thatoo, you were always there for me. I could come home any time I wished to and stay with you as long as I wished to. There was no restriction on that from either side.

You were a unique father Pa. I was indeed blessed to have you in this life. I never want to be born again, but if ever I have to, then so be it – but on condition that you and Amma are my parents all over again.

Lots of love Pa.
[/JUSTIFY]

 

Dear Sunitha,

Yes, I am very glad he taught us to think for ourselves and to take well-considered decisions. It requires a tremendous amount of courage and wisdom to let one's children go. I guess I would always have been very scared to let go of my children and would have worried endlessly about the consequences if they did something silly.

Thanks so much for the feedback. Keep coming dear. :cheers

 

Dear Sree,

Thanks dear Sree.

 

Thanks Hema.

 

Thanks so much Saras. Nice to see your feedback.

 

Kanaka, So nice to see you here. Thanks a lot for the feedback. Do keep coming.