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Lets Talk Bout Residue Feelings.

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by mahathibhaskar, Apr 5, 2022.

  1. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes. Parents have to teach their daughters that the marriage is between equal partners. The wife is not inferior to the husband irrespective of if the girl is earning or not.
    Respect inlaws but Don't be a slave to them.
     
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  2. AditiShining

    AditiShining Bronze IL'ite

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    I know that. She wants that I do her sewa by pressing legs, accepting her superiority. I have heard her brag to her friend that I massage her legs whenever she asks me tof. After getting the maid for her massage, she asks me to massage legs one two times in a week. I actually don't mind serving my MIL for this long for peace in home.
     
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  3. AditiShining

    AditiShining Bronze IL'ite

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    I feel She sees her DIL (me) as this only. She doesn't like if I sit too relaxed in front of her. She eats her dinner in front of TV so I have to serve her plate there. So I have my dinner after serving my MIL and husband.
     
  4. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    Ok. Good then
     
  5. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    I meant generally in indian houses
     
  6. preeti6years

    preeti6years Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Swetha, I wish your words come true and I am also seriously waiting for that. But the other party is so smart. They knew MIL behavior and hence dont want to entertain her on permanent basis. They treat her like a delicate flower when they come here, usher her with some gifts and sweet words and then run away.
    COming to standing up for myself, me and Mil are not on talking terms now. I buy and do what I want and no one are supposed to question even DH for that matter. But MIL slowly tries to put me down without talking mostly in kitchen and ofcourse when BILs family is around.
    While I try be busy with my work and kid, sometimes I really get frustrated with MILs tactics. Out of the blue if I tell to DH either he gets irritated and tells me not to complain him on such issues, or simply gives a blank stare and leaves the place.
    MIL has damaged our relationship so badly that DH is not comfortable in discussing any kind of topic with me. If we talk it will either about food or kid or some generic news subject. Anything other than these topics he just leaves the place.
     
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  7. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    You are missing the point. I or my parents are not the issue here. I remember your earlier threads on this topic. Then you were defending all this and telling others to try- ‘what’s the harm? Just 15-20 minutes and she’s happy.’ Lot of people were against it remember?
    Now already what used to take 15-20 minutes has increased to 40-50 minutes. What I’m saying is that it’s going to get worse and will soon become unsustainable. When will you say enough? At 1 hour? At 1.5 hours? So start thinking now itself of what to do and how to do what because that time is surely going to come.
    @AditiShining You seem to be motivated by good intentions but somewhat confused. For good or bad you have married into a fairly traditional family. Just do what is expected and nothing extra. Don’t propose new things on your own and land in the soup. The more you bend your neck the more she will press down. You did with a good intention no doubt hoping they will then trust you.

    But the fact is it was never about you, as in you @AditiShining the person. It was always all about her, her trust issues, her ego, her need for control, her insecurity. You are faceless, just ‘the son’s wife’ or ‘dil’. Above all else, she needs to feel secure, to be able to boast that she has control and the upper hand etc. So just be silent and do only minimum required. From time to time give them little jhatkas or shocks to remind them you too are a living feeling thinking human being by expressing your opinions on small things and small small desires. Start small like an inoculation so they slowly get used to it ;)
     
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2022
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  8. RiaME

    RiaME Senior IL'ite

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    Inlaws can never become our parents and they never are. They become insecure once the son gets married. That makes them do all the shitty things to the dil. Till their end of life some may never accept the dil as their own.

    Always be civil to them and well mannered , do what has to be done in terms of duties and leave the place. Thatz it. You don't have to love them as your parents, they too won't in most cases , they too are just civil to you.

    A woman will remember all the things said and done by inlaws till her EOL.

    It's a curse for girls to be born in this Patriarachial culture as they r given away to some other family where she has to work like a slave/maid according to inlaws' family culture and routine. She does not have a say in how she wants to manage the household , how she wants to lead her life etc. Apart from that, the son also gets a woman for sex. What more can one ask for? Free maid, free sex, free caretaker. All woman are told is ADJUST, ADJUST. so she has to give up her own identity. By the time she gets to run the household like she wants, live life how she wants, she would have already been in her late 40s or early 50s. All her prime gone waste.

    Pls don't tell me it's responsibility.
    She is already an adult and knows how to handle and manage things!! Expecting her to lead life your (inlaws) way, is not responsibility, it's imposing your way of life on her. Making her a slave. It's nothing but bloody Patriarachy.

    Seriously, who wants such a life. Its nothing but jail. It's not fair that a girl has to leave her parents and the boy gets to stay with his parents.

    Have heard many old generation dolts, acting like their dils have done something wrong if they (dils) visit their parents place or stay there for a long time. Seriously whatz filled in their bloody heads?

    Had I known these things before I got married, I would never have agreed to such arrangements. I value my independence too much. I was too naive and innocent. Didn't know anything.

    I have a teenage son who might get married in a decade and a halves time, I don't expect them to stay with me nor do anything like the old generations expected dils to do. I do not want any Sevas from dil. Expectation is only from my son and daughter and not Daughter in law or Son in law. Money can get all the help one wants nowadays.

    People need to understand that times have changed and no girl will tolerate nonsense and be a doormat.
     
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2022
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  9. rosequeen

    rosequeen Bronze IL'ite

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    Too much negativity here. Never understood why some girls feel like they are free maids, they are moving from one family where they were looked after and cared for into DH family where her children will grow up and she can contribute to making DH and her adopted family better. Obviously the expectation is that new comer to family will adjust and adopt to ways of DH family as she is the newcomer. Very hurtful to in-laws when they see a DIL show up and behave like a kid.
    Coming to your other point, its easy to say in middle age that you don't expect 'seva' from DIL but when you get older and need care, you may feel different and it may be too late at that point.
    Likewise you may feel that your son will marry and be happy with his wife, but his wife may emotionally blackmail him to take care of her old parents and serve them while you suffer alone, and no money cannot get anything you want in your old age
    In general women should try to be positive and serve in-laws and husbands and try to have positive relationships. Things keep changing in life and you never know when you need the support of DH and in-laws
     
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  10. AditiShining

    AditiShining Bronze IL'ite

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    Sometimes women serve in laws because they don't have a choice. I wake up at 6:30, sweep absolutely mop the house, wash clothes of me, husband and MIL, take bath, make breakfast, tiffin for husband and me and lunch for my MIL. Husband leaves at 9 so his tiffin has to be ready first. Then Touch MIL's feet and leave. I return at 5:30. I take the drying clothes in, and fold them. We have a maid who washes utensils and massages MIL's legs. So I arrange those utensils. Then I make dinner. I serve dinner to husband and MIL and wait as they eat so I can serve them when they need more. I have my dinner after they have eaten. I clear their plates and table. After that If my MIL calls me, I massage her legs. Then I can be free.

    I don't know how much I'm doing out of love and how much out of formality
     
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