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Lets share our feelings - Season 5

Discussion in 'Infants' started by Traveller, May 13, 2010.

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  1. arthidiva

    arthidiva Silver IL'ite

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    hey Pon, great job I say.. I read those lines a few times to register the technique in my head.. I would have never handled it with so much patience and clarity.. wow, you have brains girl unlike me! :)))

    just jumped in to say the above.. will be back after reading all posts..
     
  2. lee50

    lee50 Silver IL'ite

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    Good morning girls.

    Pon - You rock woman :thumbsupThat was superb and timely. Two birds at one shot.

    Latha - You should wear skirts no matter what, I seen you in the pic you look slim enough.

    I see a foreigner in our office wearing salwar kameez daily and you want believe she looks the best in them. Seriously I mean the exposure they potray all the guys in our office were looking at her; angel in disguise must say. ;-)

    Vidya - Good to know that Shibu is recovering well.

    DH left this morning and will return on Monday night. Hope Lenora does not throw her tantrums searching for DH at night. Missing him though, weekends are relaxed becoz of him. Anyways back to work.

    Take care girls and have a gr8 day.
     
  3. arthidiva

    arthidiva Silver IL'ite

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    Ramya, want to share some more views on the Q you raised.. see frankly, staying with in-laws in difficult in the sense, the views do not match.. I feel the elders usually end up judging us way too much, even in the least expected thing. my MIL was angry at me for drying my undies in the back yard and after few months she was angry that I am drying them inside the house (back balcony).. that was the first time I told her then and there that she keeps changing rules and it is difficult to understand her.. Also till now, me and DH are not encouraged to change anything like furniture arrangement, curtains, etc.. but we are allowed to pay the bills for everything but not select, even if forcefully choose something, she has to approve it, else it is rejected. she doesnt cook all that I cook.. when some dish comes out so well and I leave a portion (usually the portion that I take for my lunch) of that for ILs and I skip eating it.. I will come back in the night to find it untouched.. the few times I have asked her on the face, why it is untouched, she will say no we had it and left some for you.. and sometimes she will find one ingredient I added in it and say she doesnt usually eat that ingredient.. I have seen in my ILs case, there is nothing like unconditional love, because me and DH have gone home after long hours of work only to find no food left for us ON PURPOSE.. this is the case when she is angry with DH or me for some reason.. some days she is truely affectionate and thats when I get drawn to maintain close relationship, I maintain a happy relationship but all of a sudden something small will happen and she will act as if I never existed.. all this may sound silly when there are many cases in the world where DILs are beaten up, abused verbally, etc.. but I still do not feel blessed (just because I am treated decently).. there are many instances when I felt this is not my home, I am just like a paying guest. my DH has been supportive so far.. he doesnt fight with them for me, but he plays silently - hears me out completly, tells me a simple way of handling it and lets me stand up for myself AND has promised me that we will move out in maximum one year for good. so I have grown to accept her as is.. I am happy, talkative, laugh, DO NOT CRIB, do not have a sad/ worried face at all, always ready to hear, do not talk abt one to the other, do things for DH and DS without expecting anyone to help even if I come back at 10pm, like I would do in my own house.. so nowadays even if MIL is angry or ignoring me, I do not bother at all.. thats none of my business.. so you see these things are something I do from within, changes I do is within me, no one changes for us and this house is still not mine! so I would say living with them for initial 2 or 3 yrs is fine, that trouble is enough I feel.. but the couple has to move out at some point to live on their own so the women concerned gets ownership and does things the way she wishes to do.. whatever we learn from being with in-laws will be helpeful for the future but we need not live in their roof forever is my stance. YES, we can always live with them when their mobility has lessened or they need help taking care of themselves.. On the other hand, I have seen few joint families which run perfectly, DILs, SILs are do work, all pitch in to make decisions, all are heard, they cooperate.. MILs treat everyone equally.. that has to come from everyone and those families are someone who have been in joint fam system for generations and they know how to handle issues.. they take conscious decision of living together.. I think ours is not that case.
     
  4. sumanr

    sumanr Silver IL'ite

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    Hi all

    Office work was killing last 2 days and some dirty politics too. Today is better.
    Pon - Truly impressed with you handling S's friend....great job mom !!

    SS - What is the alternative if this daycare doesn't work out? Leaving her in India is out of question. Stay cool and think of alternatives. Hugs.

    AD and others - I do not have a problem because of fights/arguments etc with ILs. They are all pretty nice. But the fact is that there are too many people, too many dependencies and too many adjestments. Like I said, if it was one person and DH, I could manage. And MIL is too sweet, only that she takes everything silently and manages to balance ...because they are all her children. I cannot do the same. There are too many incidents and many thngs I cannot share here ...probably in a meetup ...but individuality and everytime thinking of what others will think is driving me nuts. Frankly, there is no way out of it. I cannot think beyond this for now ...and I am giving up.
    Thanks for being there.
     
  5. Traveller

    Traveller Gold IL'ite

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    Dear SS,

    i'm so sorry... wish i can be near you to help you with something. i'll send vibes your way that you find some positive solution. do feel free to rant your heart out here. it's not at all easy when LO is sick and everywhere you turn there are only issues. but this too shall pass... keep the hope up.

    hey girls,

    i'll not start a rant but the morning has been very tough. i don't why DH had to start moving some wardrobes right in the morning. we all woke up at 7 and there wasn't enough time. and then he went to work (also taking DS for drop-off) shouting at me that i'm not brisk in the mornings. i'm so offended. the boy was refusing to help me shower him he wanted only appa. and then i hear all these. i asked him why did you have to do this task in the morning no answer for that. i seriously feel like packing my bags and walking out. and this boy refusing to wear appropriate clothes for the weather. y'day his teachers told me he was very hot because he was wearing full sleeves (buttoned up till neck), socks and thick shoes. so today i picked up capris, half-sleeve for him and 'told' him to wear that. he creates such a scene and then the father lets him wear what he wants. don't you think we should have just let him cry but show him who is the boss? and he goes off saying 'appa is my best friend amma always says no to everything'. he'll get to know what amma is this afternoon:rant
     
  6. msharadha

    msharadha New IL'ite

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    Latha, dont get angry, but your last sentence had me laughing. Even at anger you have a great sense of humour. Sometimes DHs are like that.
     
  7. tikka

    tikka Gold IL'ite

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    Ramya, can you believe this - i have always wanted to live with my in-laws. In my previous relationships, I got along quite well with everyone in the family except the guys ;-). And then come my in-laws. I have to say I am relieved I am not the only one who goes through what AD described here. 8 months pregnant, sweating the entire morning over the stove and the in-laws come and eat very little, nothing at all almost. "We are not hungry". I ended up making two of quite a few dish because they dont eat certain things in their food. But nooo! I was so mighty offended that when they come I ask Rahul to cook most of the dishes. Even if that was completely inedible they will eat it because "their son must be really tired and poor thing had to cook too!"
    Ok, coming to the question of will I live with in-laws. Sure. I will. Because I have learnt that what ever the physical distance is if there are "control issues" the marriage is under a lot of stress. My in-laws were 1000s of miles away, but they were forcing their son to do something his wife and he had decided not to do. My two cents? It is perfectly possible to live as one unit if the differences are respected and the elders have a sense of what kind of space is required for a young family. If the elders, the extended family does not have that concept, it is best to be by yourself, no matter how much of a help they are.

    p.s. K cried again today, but was ready to stay in school till the end. Happy moi.
     
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2010
  8. Traveller

    Traveller Gold IL'ite

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    Tikka,

    have you chopped your hair?

    MS,

    don't tell me pa... i told exactly the same thing to DS... veetuku vada amma yarnu kamikaren (come home and i'll show you who amma is). i was so close to thrashing him this morning. i just called DH and gave him an earful too. men!!! i'm going to just keep quiet with both of them today and tomorrow.

    Ramya,

    if you ask me i'll not stay with my in-laws. period! ofcourse if my husband thinks otherwise i'll end up putting up with that.

    girls,

    now that i've calmed down a bit... tell me something. it's really hot today. and the teachers have told me since tuesday to dress DS on summer clothes. y'day he wore sandals with socks on and he always chooses the thick ones meant for autumn. now i'm seriously regretting letting him decide few things for himself. i still think i have to be firm. like this morning he howled so much and in the end DH gave up and he got what he want. so this is what happens every morning. i don't want to drink water, howl, appa says it's okay... don't cry!!!! this is the scenario every morning. DH says i'm too rigid and being a child myself. i'm like hello!!! you got to get the message across to the child that he can howl, cry whatever but there are few things where mom/dad is the boss, right? i still can't understand why i got blamed over a stupid capri:(

    take care girls. our little one turns 2 tomorrow:) as a gift for the mothering day (thanks Tikka!) i got myself a beautician appointment. she uses only herbs.. got to see if they're like self-made or from bottles. i'm going to get a complete foot scrub, manicure and a facial. i so wanted to bake a cake but it's too hot to bake... so it'll be payasam. or better still we should check out the strawberry fields.

    i'm going to cheer up and not waste such a gorgeous day.
     
  9. Vishalini3

    Vishalini3 Silver IL'ite

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    Girls, Pray for Vidyaa's child. Baby isnt well yet, started vomiting too, i heard. Just off the phone from her, am sitting worried now. Only our prayers can reach her now.
     
  10. Traveller

    Traveller Gold IL'ite

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    oh pon. are they taking a second opinion? what's the problem? fever or anything else? she'll be alright... sending all my prayers and hugs to little Shibu..
     
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