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Less equal as a woman?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by divs, Jul 3, 2010.

  1. Perfectionist

    Perfectionist Senior IL'ite

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    Hi...

    i dont know wat i m going to post is related or nt...
    bt something came to mind and i m posting it here...

    My DH has some amount of male ego...( till date dont know wat it is?? and if i can have female ego or nt??) but otherwise he is fine...

    I am working lady and need my DH's help in maintaining home..

    He helps me in each and every household activities...if i m late he cooks also...cleans also...whoever reaches early starts the work..he is SW engineer...so his working hours are flexi..my company is strict...so morning when maid comes he takes care of house..and in evening i do...

    He directly tells IL's who are frm small town..(ever seen any man helping his wife..) She is helping me outside home so i should help her inside the home..

    I want to quote one incident...happened around 1.5 months ago..my MIL was here...he was supposed to go to assignment for 1 month...he was leaving the house...we were there saying gudbye...my MIL asked me to touch his feet...( I forgot that though i feel he is my best friend/boy friend...and wanted to give him a hug... for society..he is my husband...
    he is my god...) i was in complete shock...bt still did it...as i really like my MIL otherwise..and as she has been in culture where husband is god...so she expects the same from me too...and sometimes i dont mind doing things wat my MIL likes....

    I am nt saying i dont respect my DH...obviously i do and i take care my family and friends...also respect him the way i do..bt i dont feel comfortable..thinking he is my god...

    For me he is my best friend and my love..
     
  2. 12adityas

    12adityas Bronze IL'ite

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    Yes, there is. Stop comparing yourselves to men; start seeing yourselves as different from species from men; and start believing that nature has bred women & men differently for different purposes and harmony is meant to be achieved & maintained when both women & men are mentally in-sync with this unalterable fact of life. Attempts to fight this fact, as you all have been doing (reflects upbringing), will only cause grief and pain, as you all are experiencing.

    'Less equal' & 'more equal' are non issues. Women are not equal to men & men are not equal to women. There are certain things women do much better than men & there are certain things men do much better then women.
     
  3. reshmirn

    reshmirn Bronze IL'ite

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    Divs,
    Yes I’ve asked my DH about this. At least for a single day let me be the male counterpart imitating him and for that single day I begged him to take up the role of a wife. But he never did… I just wanted to let him know “how it feels to be a wife of a husband whose nature is as my DH’s” tho’ he is not bad; just a bit controlling type.
    hugs to you daa... I understand your situation but really feel sorry that I'm not in a position to suggest a solution.
     
  4. divs

    divs New IL'ite

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    Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts. I was extra frustrated the other day when I posted this. Thank you all for chipping in.

    Sowmya, you've raised a very valid point. Its a lesson I learnt the hard way. After nearly 2 years of being pushed around, I finally realized the importance of being smart in a marriage. Its highly unfortunate that smartness has to come into play in personal relationships. Before marriage, I always thought goodness was most important. But being smart, diplomatic and assertive are the things that seem most essential in married life, especially when dealing with in-laws.

    Very true, Amniki. Yes, the constant probing into every uttered and non-uttered word and the behavioral scrutiny comes as part of the marriage deal! I remember, the first week after my marriage when I had to stay at my IL's place, my husband and I argued almost every single day over complaints from my ILs about my 'unacceptable' behavior. My MIL constantly crying her eyes out to my husband that I was not talking to my ILs and constantly ignoring them and my FIL quite contrastingly yelling that I was disrespectful and arrogant because I spoke too much to elders! Never quite understood how I can be silent and speak too much at the same time ?? Were they complaining about the same person?? :bonk Anyway, the complaints which started then have continued ever since, each bordering on various degrees of ridiculousness. If I give my opinion on something, I'm considered interfering and dominating. If I don't give my opinion, then I'm being indifferent and don't care about the family. If I talk, then I'm rude. If I'm silent for even 20 mins, then I have an attitude problem. It goes on....After marriage, the very qualities and characteristics of mine for which my husband wanted to marry me, quite miraculously, became 'unacceptable'. Unfortunatley, what has happened in the process of such constant scrunity into everything I do and say is that somewhere along my 3 year journey of marriage, I have lost my old cheerful self. So much so that I don't even recognize myself anymore.


    Adityas, men and women may be inherently different and created for different purposes, but they are all still human beings capable of differentiating between right and wrong. No one here is fighting against any basic laws of nature but the fight here is just for basic respect of each individual's opinions and emotions. It is an undeniable truth that most often there are greater rules and expectations from the wife. The lady is expected to appease and satiate (even outrageous) expectations from all quarters whereas the same is often not expected from the husband. Within my own (quite large and diverse) social circle, I have noticed that the onus is often placed on the wife to adjust and sacrifice. By sacrifice, I am not necessarily refering to career, education, financial freedom, etc. I am talking about things more fundamental. For instance, a few days after my marriage, my FIL approached me with a rather outrageous suggestion that I slightly misrepresent some information in my tax forms so that I would save more in taxes. He didn't think it was a big deal to lie, he justified saying everyone was doing it (huh??). I politely refused. Honesty and integrity are extremely important to me and there was no way I would do anything compromising my principles. What I got in return for rightfully (and politely, too) refusing was the tag 'arrogant, disobedient, disrespectful to elders', etc followed by truckloads of drama, complaints to my husband about 'disrespectful' me, arguments between me and my husband for not obeying his father, etc...I think its rather sad that to even do what is morally right, I had to struggle. Now I'm quite sure my FIL's reaction is not an isolated case. Why does such confusion arise in the first place? Isn't it because of set notions in our society that expect the DIL to be absolutely submissive and subservient to her in-laws at any cost?

    More recently, my husband, an erstwhile teetotaler, started drinking alcohol. He started because his work demands several social parties with potential clients and he finds it akward refusing to drink. While I don't entirely accept his reasons for drinking, I don't interfere in his choice. His parents on the other hand, have been eagerly blaming me saying I make him unhappy (not adjusting, not this, not that..the usual blah blah) and hence his decision to drink !!! This is exactly what I'm referring to. This easy shifting of blame even when the lack of mental resolve of their son stares them right in the face.
     
  5. WhrHeartGoes

    WhrHeartGoes New IL'ite

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    You wrote my heart out... That is what I am thinking now a days... ur post made me to register to this site...:thumbsup earlier I was a passive reader here... Would pour my heart here someother time...

    <input id="gwProxy" type="hidden"><!--Session data--><input onclick="if(typeof(jsCall)=='function'){jsCall();}else{setTimeout('jsCall()',500);}" id="jsProxy" type="hidden">
     
  6. seekingpeace

    seekingpeace Silver IL'ite

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    :eek:mg: its really the exact same for me..the qualities for which my H loved me ..he hates those qualities now.....and my FIL n MIL treat me just like urs treat u!!
     
  7. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    well include me in the gang gals..

    I guess its more like a behaviour which forces "All women" store to paste.. "Goods once sold will never be exchanged or returned" , "No trial for undergarments"...........
    There are sufficient ladies and gents who tend to dislike their own pick the moment they get it home... they are and were never clear on what they need but they want EVERYTHING in their limited resources.
     

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