Lazy mother in law.. still she feels she is the best..pls help

soni1987 · Oct 1, 2014

Married for 4 years, with one son of 2.5 year old. we stay abroad and visit my mother in law once every year for 1 month. Sometimes she comes to visit us for 3 months or so.
Now she is with us abroad for 3 months visit visa. The problem is she is very lazy.. gets up at 11 am then dont eat breakfast and just see tv.. (dont even bath).. baths in in the evening. Dont do anything. I am working and leaves early morning then come back in the evening . My son is in the baby sitting till evening which is sad even though his grand mother is at home. MIL cant look after my son due to her laziness.. even i am scared to leave him .. what if something happen to him then she will put her hands up.

I dont want her to do any work or anything at least she can try to stop chanting about her excellent character and how she raised her kids etc which is really irritating if repeated every hour.

She keeps on comparing me with other daughter in laws such as my friends DIL gives them necklace, gets up early and looks after them so well. takes good care of each n everythings etc etc.. list goes on..

She always wants to cry about her daughter.. she is not having good life and how much she is struggling with her life... infact she is married to an engineer who earns well and she is not even working.. full time in house only job she does is taking her daughter for dance class, school & tuitions etc. which is a big job for her and ofcourse cooking - as if iam buying my food from outside always.. I cook after coming from work - no maids but my difficulites all goes in vain.

I start ignoring wht she says and try not to concentrate on her phrases but she comes to my room to talk to me about her friends and her daughter - comparisons..
I am fed up .. its been just 4 days now and i have full 3 months left to spend with her.. give me some suggestions how to deal with her during her stay.

aarna123 · Oct 1, 2014

Mils always find the ways of insulting their dils and here she is alone no one to gossip.

as much as u get irritate she will continue.she lives in India where dils get done household work,cooking of mil choice and mil gives order so here she is trying to do same.
But you don't worry be calm and cool.
I know sometimes its not possible but at least try to be quit.
Get bussy in your work and give her some time proov her wrong .

chillbreeze · Oct 1, 2014

Expecting recognition or appreciation from mil is like <think of the most impossible thing you can think of>. Don't expect her to help you and manage things like how you did before she arrived. You too can talk to her about your friends' mils , who are angels and take care of all the work at home and the grand child while the dil is at work.

Harini73 · Oct 1, 2014

Hi

Like child breeze said before she starts talking about daughters and daughter in law you start talking about your sister's ,friends and cousin MIL and SIL.How they help them and gift them etc etc.

She will avoid you after that and will go to another room if you enter her room.Before she talks about her daughter problem you confide her with all your problem how I have to manage house and work without any help etc etc.

soni1987 · Oct 1, 2014

Yes Harini73 - I tried this many times .. I told her about my friends mother in law..how nice they are and how they gift their DIL etc. - if i compare about any other person with her... she will start telling all are not same u should understand y u always criticizing me and will start drama beating her chest and all..So i am scared.. I don't open my mouth- its dangerous ...

even if she is not creating drama after one hour again she will tell same. If i tell about my friends MIL - she will argue for some time then again after a while same topic - I am fed up mg:

nb25 · Oct 4, 2014

OP,

Your MIL seems very manipulative and lazy. You have to be careful of your words and actions, otherwise she may blow things out of proportion. Communicate things very clearly to her, if possible in front of DH, so there is no misinterpretation. Also, learn to ignore some of her drama. That seems to be her manipulation technique.

Next time such comparisons occur, say "I am sorry you feel neglected here. I get up early every day to see if you want anything, but I always find you sleeping. So, I don't disturb you. If you want, I will wake you up early from tomorrow, so I can take better care of you."

Henceforth, if she does not want to get up early, then she can't say you are not taking care of her. If she does get up, then do only those things for her that you are doing anyway for yourself and DH. Like making tea, breakfast, etc. Make a big deal out of it. Say "I made breakfast for you. I made you tea." (Even if you made it for yourself and DH too) If she wants anything else, let her make those herself. Just give her the ingredients she would need, and leave for work as usual.

Lock your room from inside when you don't want her there. So, she cannot barge in any time, and start these comparisons. Let her play with her grandkids while you are getting some rest. So, she does not see it as you distancing your family from her.

Gae3 · Oct 5, 2014

Hi op,

i tot il sugggest u to compare ur friends mil.
but i see u have already done that....
ur in tuff situation dear, my hugs to u..
hope u get out of this soon,,,,

@nb,
goood ides dear.
in fact my mil does that of boasting things like hw u said..she would have cooked for evryone but will say as if done for me.
also she will sAY we have so n so dish cooked for us...what shal i cookfor you.
i somehow won't feel like asking itself.

so may be OP, u can try this trick if ur mil is sensitive she might getd idea.

tashidelek2002 · Oct 5, 2014

Show her how much you love her by giving her an expensive gift: plane ticket to her daughter's house.

guesshoo · Oct 5, 2014

Anyone has better dil, you should say, "that person is (/must be if you haven't met them) so nice. She deserves such a wonderful DIL." Or "She must have done a lot of good dress in her lifetime to have gotten a wonderful DIL."

about her DD 'suffering', "good that she lives somewhere with maids etc. if she lived abroad, she would have found it so difficult to cope" agree and say something slightly left handed. She should back off...

My personal favourite when mil is rambling with intention of being insulting, "mum, can you go and sit there? I'm not able to focus on what you are saying. Let me finish my work and come for a chat" again and again and again. Regardless of whether she is saying she is being a wonderful mil or that there isn't enough salt in what I'm making. I just randomly point to her usual chair and ask her to go sit in it promising to chat later...