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Laugh to live and live to laugh

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by Reenae, Jan 22, 2008.

  1. Reenae

    Reenae Bronze IL'ite

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    A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

    "Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress." "That's it," says the wife, "I want a divorce."

    "Ok," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours."

    Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks.

    "That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is much better looking." says the wife.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    The new Bride
    A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

    But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

    She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

    The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,

    "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!"
    ~~~~~~~~~
    Want a Divorce!
    A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

    The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

    She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

    She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

    She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

    The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

    She asks, "Really? What's that?"

    The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"~~~~~~~~~~

    Fisherman's Tale
    Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

    The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

    The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    The New Employee
    Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.

    "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

    "Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Are you Kidding?
    Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?"

    The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

    The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

    The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it".
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     
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  2. vivbass

    vivbass Gold IL'ite

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    first is super.....:queen
     
  3. Moonbeams

    Moonbeams Bronze IL'ite

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    Second one was awesome....
     

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