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Last child syndrome

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by kiranmadhu, Jun 23, 2010.

  1. kiranmadhu

    kiranmadhu Senior IL'ite

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    I have few thoughts i would like to share here and get other's opinion.
    DH and I are both last children in the family. We had a delay in getting our child and so by the time we started our family, the parents on both the sides were old. Now both the parents of DH are gone and only my parents are alive, but old and tired.
    Having a small child and bringing her up alone has been taxing. After the child was born, as we never get any relaxed time, both DH and I got into lot of misunderstandings. I have also noticed that after child birth because of the kind of exhaustion that comes with taking care of the child, the couple ( husband and wife ) get into lot of fights, bitterness, bouts of hatred etc. But as the child grows up, may be when the child is around after 8 years or so, the scene at home gets a little more relaxed. I have noticed this in many houses, even in my sister's house. This also could be the reason why many divorces crop up when the child is less than 6 years old.
    So now as I am not yet into the relaxed phase, i do get into bouts of bitterness and hatred with DH. I feel like talking to my mother. But father who is at home all the time these days feel that my sister doesn't complain and only i talk. But when my sister was in that phase, my dad was working and mother handled it without interference from dad. She gave full support to my sister. Now my sister handles her issues alone as her daughter is 13 years now. But I still haven't come to that phase and when i need my parents's support, they are old and consider me nuisance. My sister thinks i have money and thinks i have good life whereas she doesn't. She has never been affectionate or helpful to me. Is this how the second one's or last one's in any family feel ?
    My sister works whereas I gave up my good job to take of my child so as not to burden my parents even slightly. My DH is in IT field whereas her husband isn't. So she thinks i am better off and doesnt care to listen to my issues.
    The same thing happened in DH's house. His elder brothers got all the support from parents whereas he never got any help or support.
     
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  2. kiranmadhu

    kiranmadhu Senior IL'ite

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    90 views and and not a single response.
    i would like to hear from people who have suffered from this kind of problem. that is, both dh and self being last child in the family and having similar issue.
     
  3. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Kiran,
    I saw your post and it reminded me of myself and my thought process few years ago.When I had my first child I expected my parents to support me as they had my sister. However they did not. It made me angry.

    But now I feel that it was for the best. It made me independant and more mature.It has helped me become more self reliant and take care of my family independantly.

    Its not your parent's fault .. its just the timing is wrong. Moreover we like to live in a nuclear family but want parents or in ;aws to help. This does not happen.

    I understand your hurt but I think your life,child and career are your own problems. try not to involve parents too much. Try to ask friends or in IL.

    Good Luck.

    FL
     
  4. ArchanaP

    ArchanaP Silver IL'ite

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    I just don't understand this. Why would you give birth to a child when you can not take care of the baby by yourself. Why should your MIL or mother take care of your child for you? I am not saying it's easy to take care of a baby and home. Yes, it requires lot of attention and is exhausting. But you are doing it for yourself and your family. How fair is it for you to expect your parents to take care of your children? If you are living with parents or IL's, since it's difficult to manage everything for one person, that person needs little support in household chores from others. Otherwise, if it's you, your husband and baby, then I guess you guys should be fine taking care of the baby. Sent your baby to day care for half day and get some rest during that time. Some mothers feed their kids for 2 hours instead of making it a habit for kid to sit in one place and have dinner. If things like this happen of course parents will be exhausted. Bottom line, we are adults and we need to take care of our life. It's good to have support from others but if we do have the support then we need to learn to live with it.
    You know the reason for your anger and hatred. Instead of working on those, you are expecting somebody else to take care of your issues.
     
  5. sonusun

    sonusun New IL'ite

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    first & foremost hugs to u. I am the only child........one & only .......no siblings. Parents are of absolutely no help even morally to me .I have 2 kids well suck it up & u brot the kid into this world & it is your duty to take care of him/her.

    Yes it would be nice to have parents support etc when it does not work world does not come to an end.

    I just wanted to be honest with you.
    Thanks
     
  6. kiranmadhu

    kiranmadhu Senior IL'ite

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    FL,

    I know it is a passing phase and after a couple of years of so, things at home would be a little more relaxed.
    But till then all I need is to talk to somebody when i feel down. That's what is missing in my life.
     
  7. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Madhu,

    May be you belong to my category and you need to find yourself.Women who worked before and sitting at home and taking care of baby won't make some women happy.I know you wanted to take care of the baby and that's when you regined your job but some how there will be dissatisfaction will build up inside.You need to find out yourself.

    Second thing,men in India not used to help with chroes.Does your husband kind of one?If so ,don't get angry on him instead reduce your cooking or cleaning or hire some Nanny.Your profile shows your are in india.I don't know where you are .

    If you are in india ,hire a helper.If you are in US,I beleive best thing is start working and then send kid to day care.That's how you get your break and if you not happy with doing house cleaning and coocking and you can hire some one to clean house and buy some curried if you are working.Need to look for alternative options,if things are not working.
     
  8. kiranmadhu

    kiranmadhu Senior IL'ite

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    Archana,
    I am not expecting my parents to take care of my child. If that was the case, i wouldn't have quit my job dear. Please read my posting again if you haven't got it.
    Of course, i am an adult and i know my responsibilities.
    My thoughts were the difficulties a last child in some families face due to non availability of people to hear them.
    I am not expecting my parents to work for me. I am taking care of my parents whenever they fall sick and took care of my in-laws and one of them died after a prolonged period of sickness. All this when my child was just a year old.
    It is wrong to see a person's difficulty with a biased view and not use courteous words. That is not the idea of the forum.
     
  9. kiranmadhu

    kiranmadhu Senior IL'ite

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    Sonu,
    thanks for your kind words.
    Yes, true that we need to take care of my lives ourselves. But don't we all feel the need for some moral support at times. Not on a daily basis but sometimes.
     
  10. ganges

    ganges Gold IL'ite

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    dear friend

    I think you are totally confused with linking unnecessary things. Dear, you have blessed with a child .( do you know how many couples are simply longing for that and are doing what all to get one ). dear with my age I can tell you one thing, you most of the youngsters nowadays want the parents or in laws only when you are in need of them. Your dh is an IT proffessional means he has to work untimely. So you both have to adjust to look after the child. You didnt tell whether you are working or not. Even then first child you can easily look after by yourself.

    Dont confuse anything and just enjoy the motherhood dear. you feel little gap with your DH means because you both are engaged yourself in other things. Please change your attitude and take care of your child as well as your DH. May be he also needs some attention. Try to understand your fathers attitude as he is very old. take this fb in the right spirit and make your life happy. I dont think there is any serious issue in you case.

    ganges
     

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