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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by chanchitra, Apr 10, 2022.

  1. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    I am seeing a lot of couples around me who are not happy with each other for what so ever reasons and the most negative impact of their fights is on their children.... So, my question is what all criteria need to checked definitely before even thinking about bringing a child in this world?

    My answer is
    for Indian couples I feel the most important thing is to understand that spouse is the immediate family and parents and parents in laws are extended. This will help prioritizing what is the basis of starting a family.
    If any of the partners still feel that parents are important than the spouse, then according to my opinion they are not ready to move to the next level. Because after having kids, 90-95% of time would be towards spouse and kids, and the rest 5-10 for the extended family. So if you feel you are still not there, definitely give time to go for children.
     
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  2. Thoughtful

    Thoughtful Gold IL'ite

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    Nice topic.

    So my question for the above is:
    1. Will someone ever come out and say that the parents are more important than the spouse
    2. Suppose they did, Should they: a) separate and find a different spouse. b) Decided not to go to the next level. Give an ultimatum to the spouse to change their mind in x amount of time or they will separate? c) Does the spouse on the other end feel threatened and lie that the spouse is more important in order to move forward with having the child and then unlike the tiger, change their stripes once there are kids?
     
  3. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    Some do say it. Most say that after marriage.
    But do change after few years.
     
  4. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    Best option would be to give the spouse a X amount of time. Still if no change, to separate. After all everyone got only one life.

    Lying and manipulation will not work in a marriage
    If they change again after the kid, they can be given a warning and sometime to change.
    If not separate.
     
  5. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    This priority thing is so confusing to me.
    I think it is a western product & it is very difficult handle in our context.

    Of course kids should become parents' priority as we brought them to this world.
    As they age, parents should also be our priority, because unlike in western countries, parents have stretched beyond their level best to give us better life. We should be thankful for what they have done to us, and respect their sacrifices.
    On the other hand, parents are so vulnerable in our part of the world. They do not have a social security or retirement plan like in the west. They do depend on us for financially & emotionally at many levels.

    Here I mean parents of both genders. Glorifying the man's parents as Gods, and woman's parents as slaves won't work.

    Because, we have come so far from our age old traditions where women were considered just another property & taken from one place to the other after marriage.
    Now that, women are more empowered, they equally contribute, & participate in decisions in the family.

    If there are 5 members living in a family (H, W, kids + widowed mom/dad), all the 5 members should be considered as first priority. It is very bad to consider the widowed mom/dad as extended family.
    If so, this extended family member will likely to have no immediate family and become no one's priority in their lives.
    After all that they have done to us, it is very pathetic to be considered "outsider" when it comes to family priorities, IMO.

    Nevertheless, if parents are living separately and have an established family of their own they do not belong to our immediate family. This is simple as that.

    Western or eastern... We should have a clear understanding of our priorities before marriage. It needs to be communicated, and accepted by our partners well before we enter wedlock.
    If so, not just kids.... no one would be suffering in a marriage.
     
    Dishaa, Amica, shama146 and 2 others like this.
  6. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    True. This percentage of priority was collected fron the Indian community living in USA. it surprised me too.
     
  7. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    What if one partner changes his priorities after marriage.
    Mine was mostly an arranged marriage.
    We did meet and chat for some days before our Marriage.
    Nowhere did my husband indicate that I had to become a part of his family (parents and brother) after our marriage.
    All he talked was about his career .
    Asked about my career/hobbies.
    Also mentioned that his parents or brother don't depend on him financially even without my asking.

    But it was total BS. His brother's family was totally dependent on him financially.
    After our marriage and few months later, when I did ask him why are you sending money to your brother,
    It was like iam splitting his family.
    This went on even after our kid. Still it continues.

    I am sick and tired of Indian men torturing wives in the name of family values. If your parents/siblings were more important WTH do they marry and have kids. Kids have to grow in a toxic environment where the parents are fighting with each other.
    Only Indian men get to have the cake and eat it too.
    Burn the regressive family traditions and values.
     
    shama146 and drdiva like this.
  8. rosequeen

    rosequeen Bronze IL'ite

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    Patience dear, we should appreciate DH is taking care of his parents as well as his brothers family. Is your family in trouble financially due to DH sending money to his brother? If you are doing OK financially why bother so much? Glad we still have family traditions in India where women are welcomed into husband's family. Also if DH is earning the money, its his money and his wish. Think carefully is DH just looking after his brother or actively trying to hurt you and kids. If he is not hurting you, then separation is not the right answer
     
  9. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    He is just trying to support his useless brother. I don't mind if he is open about it.
    What irritates me is
    His talking as if all of us ie parents, both sons families are all one family.
     
  10. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Dear @chanchitra

    Sorry for responding late.

    It is usually assumed that Indian brides go to their husband's family after marriage. They are accepted as part of the man's family.
    You must have expected this before marriage.
    If you did not like this idea, you should have openly discussed this with him & clarified before marriage.
    I am surprised to hear such things in an arranged marriage, where parents and the entire family involve in planning & discussing the future of the couple extensively. They do not make emotional decisions or get blindfolded in love.



    It happens. Many times, siblings do not turn out to be equally successful in life. When one sibling fly high, the other one naturally becomes his dependent.
    It is a practical thing, both you & your H should decide upon how far you guys can extend financial assistance to his sibling.
    While agreeing it is important to share the wealth & fortune with the unfortunate one, it is essential to draw a line. So that, the immediate family is not affected.

    You are not clear in your post about this matter. Why are you sick & tired here? Why do you think your H is torturing you?
    If so, that's a different issue.
    Just because a man decides to help his needy sibling out of his hard earned money (that too after spending enough for his immediate family), doesn't mean he cares less of his wife or torture her.
    In fact, it is the other way around.
    In many families, the wives torture the men who genuinely want to support their suffering parents/siblings from their hard earned money. In most cases, they fulfill their immediate family's need perfectly, yet tortured emotionally by the wives the moment they decide to support their FOO. This is unfair.

    No, women too!
    You can start working, and support your FOO or any social cause from your hard-earned money as you please. Just that, men or women...it is important they prioritize their immediate family first.
     
    chanchitra likes this.

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