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Kids And Grandparents Culture Difference

Discussion in 'General Discussions - USA & Canada' started by Reena26, May 1, 2020.

  1. Reena26

    Reena26 Senior IL'ite

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    Has anybody ever experienced issues with inlaws from India and your kids who are growing up in the USA? My husband is from India and I grew in a Western country. My inlaws has expectations when they came here and had problems with my western thoughts and lifestyle. When my son was 4 they told me how they think he should be raised based on their thoughts. When I simply tried to educate them that kids who grow here, assimilate to the western culture - they took offense. They are educated and my husband is a doctor but they have never mixed with others and so are regressive not progressive. My son is now 7 and does not speak Gujarati with them but only speaks English. My husband has now understood and to protect me he has told me to not call or speak to them. I fear if they ever try to come here again as they are not accepting but controlling. And most of the day they are at home with me so they comment and talk when my husband is at work. Then they are verbally abusive and put my husband in the middle. They use their position as elders to make us do what they want and my mil tells me “I am older than you” if I talk back. I don’t want it to affect my son. So my only option would be to go to my moms house with my son. She lives nearby. Is this best? I fear what this could do to our marriage.
     
    Last edited: May 1, 2020
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  2. kaluputti

    kaluputti Gold IL'ite

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    Hey this can happen even within the same culture, if the seniors don't behave like they have to...i.e will give my fav quote here....having finished the innings sitting in the pavilion and watching the play....getting out of the situation is only escaping the problem...when this happened in our home long back , I used to explain things to our children and ask them to respect elders when they are around and ignore unwanted remarks. It is not advisable to shield a 7 year old from the realities of life, who knows, he might be facing such situations later in his adult life and not know how to manage..Most of the elders are insecure, more so with the DILs and commit this blunder. You might also develop patience and show how to handle such things in life to your son as an example.
     
  3. Reena26

    Reena26 Senior IL'ite

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    Thank you! Patient - I have been since the first day of marriage. I had never been to India but one time before marriage. But I totally changed myself to become the ideal Indian DIL - In America. Just to make them happy. It broke me mentally and emotionally trying to be somebody I am not. They verbally abused and tormented me simply because I told them that in order to live here - they need to change their thinking. I respect them from a distance with limited contact. In every situation - I have to think about my well being and my sons. That being said - my issues should not affect whatever relationship he wants with them. My husband will take him to India to see them. As per my psychiatrists orders - I won’t travel there for the sake of my health. I hope one day I can forgive and be at peace with them.
     
    Last edited: May 4, 2020
  4. Reena26

    Reena26 Senior IL'ite

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    The issue comes to domestic violence and economic abuse.It is a bigger issue for women in India who have no income. Because laws there for property are so weak. Here- the property is 50% mine. They tried to emotionally blackmail me with that card. That I have to listen to my husband. I stood up and made sure I took over all the household responsibilities, taking care of my child, taking care of his activities. Even though I have no income - I made myself strong. I had to cut the relations with them to protect my boundaries. The more they knew about me and my son - the more they could control me. He stopped speaking their native language and does not identify much to that culture. They feared that having any other friends other than Indian would “spoil him”. Very regressive. I see your POV. But as a mother - I have to protect my child from their manipulation and abuse. And ultimately - they are just empty threats - because if we divorced, there is nobody other than I that can care for my son - he has special needs - I take care of all of his needs - dealing with the teachers, special needs meetings, therapies. All of it.
     

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