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Keeping my marriage / living with Inlaws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Hiddly, May 26, 2010.

  1. Hiddly

    Hiddly Junior IL'ite

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    Hi all

    I am a new user and needing help with keeping my marriage. As many of you may have a similar problems or can relate to this, i will appreciate any tips that can come my way please.

    I am married for 9 years with a 4 year old boy and 4month old baby girl. My husband and I lived with my inlaws for 5 months when we got married in Nairobi and since then moved to Australia and since been living on our own and independently. We now have our inlaws who have migrated to stay with us which was the idea of my husband and i did not oppose this but only mentioned to him that it will be hard living togeter after being independent for all these years.

    My MIL gave me hell when we were living back initially with them as she is a cleaning queen. Loves to keep the house spotless even if it keeps everyone in the house feel like living in a display home but back in Kenya we had maids to do this and here we dont plus we have kids and she has not had a kid play in the house since 35 years (my husband is the youngest out of 2 brothers)
    She also has a passion for cooking and can brain wash one with recipes and will want to cook keeping me occupied to help her.

    I have had tough times with my pregnancies......with my first one being all normal pregnancies but my second son being premature at 28 weeks and we lost him after 2 days and then 2 miscarraiges and finally 4 months a go we had our princess. My 9 years have passed settling and having children in Oz.

    Now that we are all set we have our inlaws come & stay with us. The problem is my inlaws are not our lifestyle livers. We have get togethers every alternate weekend with friends with barebecues and getaways. We both enjoy them but now are restricted since my FIL has drinking problem. He goes out for a afternoon walk and comes home drunk and want to handle my kids which becomes a problem. He argues and fights with my MIL and my kids are watching all this. My mil creates a scene in the house and will refuse to talk to anyone after the fight for a week or so which makes the house atmos very uncomfortable. Then she would pick a fight with me and tell me all she can about her son and listing all things my family did not do during the wedding and would remove a bag of stories and acuse me of things i have not ever done.

    I understand my husband who is seeing all this but also feels this will change with time as they have only been here since 6 months and end of the day they are both 65 and old age so he has to support them. I feel with 5 months spent with the inlaws and thier frequent visits over before they moved to Oz i have not seen the change in them and dont see myself or my husband getting along with them as he too gets annoyed as he as tried talking it over with his mom and dad about the drinking issue. but in his case he is the child so its easy for him I want my kids to grow in the atmos which is healthy and want to talk to my hubby who loves me to max have a healthy relation with him but i cant see all this happening with the current atmos. WHAT DO I DO???? my mind is asking me to leave my husband and my heart is not agreeing to this as i love him but if i am not happy my kids are suffering as they sense these things. My husband will not leave my inlaws to live on ther own and i dont see happiness with future ahead for my kids.

    Please help.............sorry for the long story
     
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  2. Menku

    Menku Junior IL'ite

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    I have been in that situation wherein my BIL is a alcoholic and he stays in melb too but not in the same house ! Firstly I have made sure that he doesnt visit us every weekend and every weekday. And when he does and I know that my hubby has had enough alcohol - note that my hubby doesnt drink like mad, but when his family/brother is around to not dirnk is a sign of weakness cos he is then listening to his wife and he is termed as henpecked hubby and he doesnt want to listen to that ! Though behind closed doors he says I have the remote control to his life ! Going back to what I do is - when its getting too much I just look for an opportuity like these guys go out for a smoke or go to the toilet I pour all the alcohol down the drain :) and leave just few tbsp of alcohol in the bottle. Trust me these men are so drunk by then that they dont even realise and if they do I just act naive and say U guys must have had and now cant recollect ! END OF STORY !I control what happens in my house and not some dickhead like my BIL.... If he doesnt like it he knows where the door is and he can walk out of the door anytime he feels like !:)
     
  3. tashidelek2002

    tashidelek2002 IL Hall of Fame

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    Could you get a double house so that your inlaws feel close but have their own space? You FIL can get drunk over there, MIL can clean like a lunatic, and you can have your BBQ. It can also be a good investment if you need a point to sell the idea. This is a popular solution in USA.
     
  4. Peace777

    Peace777 Senior IL'ite

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    That sounds like a good idea. Seperate from ILs but still next door.
    Also, have you given DH an inkling that you are thinking of seperation coz they have made your life hell?
    I dont know if its visible to your husband that you are sad. Make sure it is.
    Living with such inlaws who are bent upon imposing their ways on you, can never work. You need to find a long term solution than living unhappily. I wouldnt recommend seperating from your husband, but probably a break for a few months to your parents house would work. This would give DH just enuf time to be alone with his parents and get insane.
     
  5. radhaparth2000

    radhaparth2000 Platinum IL'ite

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    I like this idea. Why don't you try this out if its possible?
     
  6. Hiddly

    Hiddly Junior IL'ite

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    Hi All

    Thanks for your posts. I have kept the proposal to my DH about the investment of another house. He understands and supports me and explained to me that he is married to me and he understands that his first priority is to support us who are his family now but at the same time he is a son which he can not forget. He has asked me to wait till parents are a little independent and slowly gradulally will see what to do next. Although he has not mentioned anything about my proposal i guess he too is thinking about it now ;-). Well he confessed he loves me and the kids more than the current situation of the house and i have explanined openly letting him know of what sort of thoughts have been crossing my mind......and also explained to him that this was no any sort of dhamki to him but just to what extend I am stressed about the situation. He very well knows that i am capable of running the duties on my own though back of my mind i know things arent as simple as to be on my own and support the two kids too............

    In the meantime there is good news that my inlaws have to leave out of Oz by end of June to get thier passport stamped for permanant visa. So atleast for 3 -4 months they will be away in India as my MIL has some treatment to be done too. I want to make sure i give DH such a good time while they are away letting him understand and realise the difference it will make to our lives if ilaws are not living with us under the same roof.

    I sometimes think and wonder am i heading to the right direction by thinking this way???? but at the same time think i am atleast not thinking of them being away from his son / grand kids away from the same town. All i am asking is them living in a separate house very close to us so we can yet visit each other and have meals occasionally together and grand kids can spend time with them when they want to.This way there is some respect with the relations and that our fights or anger does not explode to the streets. GOD AM I ASKING FOR TOO MUCH???? ALL I AM ASKING IS HAPPINESS SO THAT NOT EVEN ME BUT MY KIDS ARE GROWING IN A HEALTHY ENVIRONMENT!

    For now i think i am lucky that atleast DH is with me but hey sometimes this turns out to be the opposite when DH is brain washed.

    Lets see..............will keep you supporters posted!
     
  7. tashidelek2002

    tashidelek2002 IL Hall of Fame

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    Hiddly:
    I want to add a little about the double house idea. What happens here often is that the house is purchased with the elders living close. The owner of the house will only have one house payment, somewhat more expensive but surely less than two separate ones (or rents). You can also arrange heating/cooling, water and trash together which also saves. When things change (elder moves or dies or goes to nursing home...whatever) the other side can be rented. At this point if this is not a satisfactory place to live with renter living next door, then either sell the whole thing or rent the other side two. This should give you income in addition to the rents which cover the house payment that you can use to reduce the new house payment or to put in the bank.
     
  8. Peace777

    Peace777 Senior IL'ite

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    Hiddly, dont feel guilty about it. You have the right to be happy. And looks like you are still willing to take care of them as your husband is obligated to do so, just a little far. Little bit more....little bit more :) Be happy!
     

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