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Kanyadaan should stop??

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Jhilmill, Nov 25, 2014.

  1. Chachi420

    Chachi420 Platinum IL'ite

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    Soks, knowing that this post will soon be deleted as many other posts on this thread have been deleted (and rightly so) taking the liberty of letting you know that I feel like, for the first time in my life I witnessed a blitzkrieg (spelling?) live kneesmileykneesmileykneesmiley
    Rest of it "No comments", as @Laks09 always says, Kanyadaan should stop :coffee
     
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  2. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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  3. CrayoNess

    CrayoNess Platinum IL'ite

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    Joint families were never the norm in northern Europe or USA, stem families were the usual set up. As population not growing in the west there will not be a lack of housing. When looking at the statistics in US you can see that it mostly younger unmarried adults that are stuck with their parents. This has led to that people marry even later. To some extent also elderly parents moving in with their adult children. An interesting new family type among hispanics/afr.americans is the grandmother with daughters (single mothers) and their children. Kind of a matriarchal family.

    It is hard to imagine that it is possible to push women back to live as free maids to their husbands/adult children. As more women are in the workforce they are not available as daycare providers to their adult children.

    Most nuclear families have an extended family for support even if they are not living together.

    Maybe we will see new family systems, single mothers (siblings, friends) living together. New kind of housing where each generation have their own privacy but close to each other.
     
  4. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    Blame yourself (& Aria)!
    It's the puzzle & poetry threads that lead to mission creep.
    Time for the retreat.
     
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  5. LotusAura

    LotusAura Gold IL'ite

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    Interesting links Gauri. Joint families do make sense to a lot of people in a lot of situations. Despite its disadvantages (quite a few!), it does have its advantages. Though it may not suit everyone, but this concept is still much preferred by many for various reasons.
     
  6. coolwinds

    coolwinds Platinum IL'ite

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    @sokanasanah, thanks!

    i was struggling to weave together all the diverse and complex threads that form the basis of interdependence'. you have articulated and elaborated on the notion of interdependence beautifully. :)
     
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  7. hrastro

    hrastro Platinum IL'ite

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    I know I'm a bit late into the discussion of about 30 pages, but just thought, if we are coming back to kanyadaan topic - I wanted to add the vedic significance as it is not there in any of the 30 pages (yeah I read through all of them :))

    I do agree about the current rules and rituals and that kanyadaan seems to mean "giving away ones daughter" and "paraaya" - BUT the ORIGINAL significance was different !!!

    I know I know all of you will pounce and say - yeah but this doesnt happen and in real life things are unfair etc -- I KNOW all that is happening NOW - I'm just describing how things were SUPPOSED to be - for Kanyaadan!

    Disclaimer - All this is gleaned from several discussions, many books, many lectures and many many more sources, so please dont ask for sources, I am typing the whole info from my own memory and knowledge)

    As many are confusing go-daan with kanya-daan (cow gifting and daughter gifting) - just wanted to add this info

    Go-daan - I think everyone will know that to cross the vaitarini river (the bloody river full of skeletons that each person has to cross before reaching the yamalok) you need to hold a cow's tail - thats why a go-daan is considered punya - Gifting a cow ensures that you can cross the river easily in a twinkling of an eye, otherwise you need to swim in the bloody river for hours and hours and days and days after death and that is supposed to be terrifying!

    About a son -
    There are several rituals that a son needs to do for his "pitru" or ancestors - only when the son completes the rituals, the soul goes to the next world and subsequent 7 heavens are attained, before reaching the moksha or vishnupada or vaikunta (for some it is sivaloka)

    So, in the olden days, even if you didnt have a son you could get a son by beg borrow steal :)

    There are 12 types of sons you can have - in the order of preference
    - best is the one is borne of the husband to the lawfully wedded wife,
    second is of a wise man borne on the wife out of kindness (if the husband is not able),
    son of any man borne on the wife by paying him money,
    son born after husband's death to continue the lineage,
    kanina son (it is ok if the wife had a pre-marital son, he was considered the current husband's),
    son born out of an affair of the wife (also treated as the current husband's),
    son born to someone else and adopted (usually a daughter would give up her own 2nd son for adoption to her parents)
    son bought for money,
    son born to someone and received as a gift
    son born to a bride who was already pregnant (yes, treated as the current husband's)
    son born to a brother and brother's wife
    son born out of an affair of the man with any other woman other than the wife


    All this is because there is no guarantee that every parent will definitely have a son, so who would do the pitru-kaarya - so they would call the appropriate person their son and go on with life!
    So, having a son IS important !!

    BUT a daughter is considered the GREATEST gift - because a son may allow you entry to the heaven but a daughter gives you AND your family AND her husband's family AND all her children's families HEAVEN - therefore, SEVEN generations gets the benefit of a daughter born in your house !

    And thats why you get so much PUNYA when you do a kanyadaan !!! You are not breaking ties, you are not giving your daughter AWAY - you are gifting good samskaaras - learning and education and knowledge to several GENERATIONS - they say if you educate your son, your son will be successful, if you educate your daughter, 2 families become successful - it is the same theory !!!


    There are several RULES for kanyadaan -
    The daughter has to be well brought up, capable of procreation, healthy etc of course BUT the person to whom the DAAN is made is also supposed to be WORTHY of the girl - otherwise there is NO punya of the kanyadaan

    E.g if the person to whom the daughter is married to is an abuser or someone who cannot look after her, then the father DOES NOT get any punya out of it! So he is supposed to give her away to a person and a family WHO CAN keep her happy!

    Someone asked why father only gets the punya, why not mother - A wife ALWAYS gets HALF of ANY MERIT that a husband does, while she NEVER gets any paap (sin) of her husband !!!

    A wife's punya and sins are all her own, she doesnt have to share her merits or sins, but half her husband's merits are hers.

    Moreover, a father CANNOT do a kanyadaan without his wife's presence !! In fact he can do NO yajna, daana or good karmas without his wife's presence/acceptance - in fact he can go to his guru for taking sanyaas ONLY if his wife (or mother if he is a brahmachaari) gives him permission !!


    A man cannot host guests (athithi seva - feed the guests), he cannot give daana to rishis and brahmins (only a wife or daughter should do), he cannot perform ceremonies (wife has to first light the lamp or homa kund) like marriages, upanayanam - thread ceremony, birthdays and death anniversaries, he cannot perform yajna and homas without his wife's presence - the wife is the one who takes care of the agni of the house (fire - agnihotra is the sacred fire)

    So a wife or a daughter in law is considered a gift to bring RICHES and PROSPERITY to the man's family (like someone said in one of their posts)

    A new bride should be treated like a daughter by the elders in the house and like a mother by the younger ones in the house ! And she is also supposed to treat the new family like her parents and siblings - UNFORTUNATELY the first is an EXCEPTION while the second is the EXPECTATION!

    This is all satyayug ki kahaaniyaan so please no brickbats !!!

    @thegirlygirl , @satchitananda , @coolwinds , @sokanasanah , @yellowmango , @sdiva20 , @crayoness @lotusaura @SGBV @Laks09 @ragini25 @Rihana @fencesitter
     
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  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    :wowPretty liberal......



    Should be printed and framed and given to modern in laws as a gift.no mention of mil .
    :coffeeSo please stop interfering in husband wife decision. You have your own husband to do things with.


    shakehead

    Kudos to you for going through the whole thread and not getting lost......:hatsoff
     
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  9. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    I enjoyed that, well done! I had a very traditional upbringing, so yes, I am aware of at least some of this, but like you, I could not source it, and I did not want to venture into 'vedic territory' without support, ha, ha!

    (I'm still planning to show up for dinner one of these days!)
     
  10. maleficent

    maleficent Silver IL'ite

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    What I posted was the personal choice we made for our daughter. I believe this is the best option for us.

    If you want to talk about it in a generic term then I think Indian structure of interdependence is completely lopsided because it favours one gender.
     

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