Seducing a Barman A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. “Are you the Manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face now with both hands. Actually, no” he replies. “Can you get him for me -I need to speak to him?” she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and his full head of hair. “I’m afraid I can’t” breathes the barman - clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?” “Yes there is. I need you to give him a message” she continues seductively, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. She slowly continues, “Tell him,… that there,…is no toilet paper in the ladies room.” Mother in Law A husband and wife stepped up to view the body of his mother-in-law. As he began to cry, his wife punched him and said: Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway. I know he replied, I thought I saw her move! Historical Wife A man complains to a friend, “I can’t take it anymore.” “What’s wrong?” his concerned friend asks. “It’s my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!” “You mean hysterical,” his friend said, chuckling. “No, I mean HISTORICAL,” the man insists. “Every argument we have, she’ll go “I still remember that time when you ….” Season Pass On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?" Huge Toilet There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are biggg!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are biggg!" The bartender replied, "Everything is biggg in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was!!. The bartender answered, "Second door from right, sir." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead he entered the third door, which lead to the huge swimming pool and fell into the pool accidently. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Please Don’t flush, please don’t flush!" The Kissing Family One night a guy took his girlfriend home. As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, the guy felt like kissing her. With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her “Honey, would you give me a kiss?” Horrified, she replied, “Are you mad? My parents will see us!” “Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?” He asked grinning at her. “No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?” “Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”. “No way. It’s just too risky!” “Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?” “No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can’t!”. “Oh yes you can. Please?”……………….. “No, no. I just can’t” “I’m begging you .. ” Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and the girl’s older sister showed up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she said, “Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, or any one else in the family, but for God’s sake and all of ours…” “TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL!!” Christ in the Bathroom A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, “Where is Jesus today?” Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.” Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.” Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!!!” The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, “Well…every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?’!”
