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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by nihitareddy, Oct 5, 2016.

  1. nihitareddy

    nihitareddy Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,
    I am sorry to bother you people again. I just wanted to write how I am feeling now thts it.
    As I posted in my previous posts abt my relationship with husband just a quick recall. In simple words he only doesn't know tht wife also got feelings for him I am another piece in the house like furniture thts it. I need not to know anything what is happening in house not even about our son. cook,clean and a nanny for our son in his eyes. Thts it. So I also adjusted to that in Order to avoid fights which are showing effect on our son.
    But don't know why now a days I am feeling very low. I work as a preschool assistant from 2-4 years physically exhausted by the time I reach home. After coming home also I will make son to do homework cook and everything. But why he always think I am not good for anything. Why he always pointing to simple mistakes and spoils the atmosphere. I know I am not supposed to put School bag on bed but it will only a minute to put on table for he don't need to scold me. Why he wants me to work like a machine. Why he always compares me with others.why don't he feel that I am a human. When he doesn't want to talk to me why should he take me to holidays and hurts me there with his behavior and behaves like a stranger. why I should like the things he like. Why I cook or eat the food he likes. Why I should I make his likes are my likes. Why should always me to adjust. Why always I should compromise so tht our marriage won't break. Why all my decisions are made out of compulsion not my choice. Too much of why na wht to do.I just said everyone will sit and eat together so let's be family time so I don't put tv even for my son and he Will come and immediately switch on t.v and dances he he don't find the remote then why's the point of eating together. MmmmmmmmWe don't talk to each other nothing physical or emotional and endless lists.
    I wonder sometimes whether he is husband or care taker. The things which he does are small but killing me from inside. Even to stranger we say happy birthday I am not even eligible for tht ? Funny expecting too much from him na. What to do living with a stone I also become a stone but it is not my fault to born as a human na.mmmmmm. sorry.
     
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2016
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  2. NeerjaC

    NeerjaC Silver IL'ite

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    Hi nihitareddy

    I have no advice for you, I am sorry. But just wanted to reach out and give you a hug. It must be so discouraging when you work so hard for your family but you get no encouragement or acknowledgement in return. I hope things get better for you. Good luck.
     
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  3. polymorphic

    polymorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    Nihita

    I have not gone thru ur previous posts but your husband seems to be controlling and nitpicking,They usually dont give what the other person needs or wants the most even if its just a pat on the back or a kind word . The only remedy for this is to reduce expectations. Dont expect him to appreciate you or compliment you but when he is unnecessarily rude or mean, ask calmly why he is overreacting. He will see that you are not reacting the way he wants. And tomorrow, cook something that you like :) If he asks, tell that you wanted to have it after long time. That's it. You dont have to offer an apology for cooking something you like.Express your happiness , sorrow, excitement to your husband even though he is like this. You have to show your true vibrant self to him. The worst thing you can do to such husbands is to suffer in silence. You dont have to. You are doing a lot. Do that happily for your own sake. Dont let him change you.
     
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  4. rai

    rai Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi, i think your husband suffers from inferiority complex which he tries to conceal by subjugating you by his words & actions. By your calm yet firm behaviour you can bring changes to your advantage. Never allow yourself to become a weakling & indulge in self pity. When insulted pretend it was directed at someoneelse & not you. Try to develop humour & focus on your child.
     
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  5. kaluputti

    kaluputti Platinum IL'ite

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    I don't normally respond to such threads, but stumbled upon it by chance and felt that you are experiencing what many indian wives face with indian husbands, whether in India or abroad. Being a senior , and a MIL both ways, I can only blame the parents who brought up such a son. Dear Nihita, you are torn between our Hindu system and your good values of holding the family together, and the western influence of 'self over others'. The way you think is due to your good bringing up. Consider the best for your child God has entrusted in you as a mother and do whatever you can without going out of the way. It is good that you are venting out your frustrations like this.
     
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  6. nihitareddy

    nihitareddy Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you so much for your reply. I am trying to be strong but sometimes I don't know why.His mum? 80% of my problems are becoz of her and sister. And his sister is another worderfull lady got married to rich person in u.s and when she came to know tht he won't dance to her tunes divorced him and married again to who dances to her tunes and tells me how to adjust and how to respect etc. Sometimes feel to kill her and go to jail. But slowly I don't know I am feeling my identity in this house. By chance if anyone asked wht u likes and dislikes I can't think of them or sometimes I think do I have any like this. More over I am tired being in this relationship just feeling to run away where at least I can breathe. I am suffocating here. I don't know why. In my life every thing is a question with out answers.
     
    Last edited: Oct 9, 2016
  7. nihitareddy

    nihitareddy Silver IL'ite

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    Sorry again.
    Yesterday and today I haven't done anything. No cooking no cleaning no laundry nothing.just lying in sofa or on bed. Don't know why. I just don't want to. Mmmmmmmmm poor my son. Sorry for him. But I am not able to. Hubby is cooking ( just cooking) waiting for maid to clean kitchen and used vessels ofcourse thts me. Funny na he won't talk no emotions but only expectations
     
  8. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    1) pointing to simple mistakes; makes comparison

    First tell him, that his critical nature is hurtful. He must let small things go. Get him to notice that you can also criticize him for small things but you do not. [Keep a few of his habits that annoy you in mind, just in case he asks what is it that you are not criticizing]. Once you do that, ask him what is the worst thing that can happen if things are not done exactly as he wants? For example - What is the worst thing that will happen if the bag is kept on the bed and not on the table? Ask him is the worst consequence important enough to hurt your wife's feelings? Get him to introspect. Some people are critical by nature and he probably does not realize how hurtful his behaviour is. When he compares tell him that every person is unique and you are only seeing the face they want you to see. Again, tell him you can compare too, but you don't... you get the picture!

    2) Why always I should compromise so tht our marriage won't break.

    So WHO told you that marriages break if you disagree with your spouse? Sorry to say, you have brought this upon yourself. Believe me - marriages do not break because you disagree. Marriages break when you do not live freely and then build up resentment. Your idea that you need to compromise ALWAYS, is far from truth. Yes, compromise is essential but it is not one person's responsibility. Start living your life.


    Forget about his sister. If she tells you how to be obedient, smile and go away. No reaction. Then do what you have to do. If you just sit on the couch and do nothing, you are going further down the blackhole. get yourself up. DO what you enjoy. Go out with your son. When you are happy, your self confidence increases and when that happens, you H will automatically respect you. Respect yourself and everything else will follow.
     
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2016
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