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Just A Vent! Some Positivity Will Help!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Chocolatey, Mar 5, 2021.

  1. amulya2020

    amulya2020 Senior IL'ite

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    @Chocolatey you are welcome. I think it happens with everyone. After marriage we get busy with our family lives subconscious partners and family become our major part of life emotionally and physically( in terms of physical presence)- making them as complete priority. Where are men have lot of distractions if they want.

    If hubby is caring it’s worth it otherwise it’s better to be ourselves when we were prior marriage indulging with hobbies, more self care. This may sound rude, but I’m just happy with the idea at least for now. Later I may find other ways to deal with it. But yes we have practice sometimes to make ourselves and our needs priority at least when needed.

    And last but not the least prioritize the things you want to make changes. Take up the things few at a time, so that you will not feel overwhelmed with all the new changes. Gradually make them your part of life.
     
    Thyagarajan, Chocolatey and Mehana like this.
  2. winterhue

    winterhue Finest Post Winner

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    Girl,
    You are not alone at all. This situation has knocked down everyone equally. Take a breather.

    1) Now that the Covid situation is easing up, are you able to plan a small day trip safely somewhere during the weekend with the hubby? Your hubby probably has no idea that you are struggling like this , it would be a good way to start reconnecting with him

    2) Staying away from family is really difficult. Try to call them more frequently and talk about positive things.

    3) I remember reading an awesome thread here in Indusladies about "emotional independence". If I find it, I will post it here. But it was the experience of someone who learned to love themselves and stop depending on hubby for their happiness. It really helped me gain perspective on how much of my happiness was dependent on my husband's availability. Take small steps to get that emotional independence.

    When it becomes unbearable, remember that nothing is permanent. It will change. Until then, we are all here for you.
     
  3. Chocolatey

    Chocolatey Gold IL'ite

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    Yes, it happens with everyone. I think I just lost this time and felt a need to say it aloud. And nothing you said was rude. As you said I tried a lot and I am done with all the trying long back. I dont have any expectations now. I only want to have a peaceful home for the sake of my kid. Even then sometimes something hurts right. I got into one of those moments I think.
     
    Thyagarajan likes this.
  4. Chocolatey

    Chocolatey Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you so much @winterhue for all your words! My eyes welled up when I read your last line. It really means a lot to me.
    I learnt a lot from Indusladies. I will definitely look into the thread you mentioned.
     
  5. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    @Chocolatey amazing suggestions by others. My 2 cents
    1. start a simple garden if you have a backyard, or patio. Plant few flowers, veggies and herbs.
    It will give you an satisfaction and goal to pursue.
    2. Daily spend 10 min in solace for me a cup of coffee in my backyard/front yard. Sometimes parking lot.
    3. Cook your favorite meal often.
    4. First few months of covid caused domestic stress, continuous snacks, exotic dishes making from scratch, don't even get me started on coffee tea marathons i ran at home. Then took a stand.
    5. Buy board games 4 -5 different types to play with family. This one helped us a lot to learn about each other.
    6. Reduce tv time for entire family.
    7. Take a small walk around the block with family. Ride bike with kid.
    8. Focus on mindfulness.
    9. Bird watch people watch
    10. Learn anything new

    Tell yourself your an amazing wonderful person.
     
    SCA, Thyagarajan, Chocolatey and 2 others like this.
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Covid is the right time for self love & self pampering. You must learn to enjoy your own company and have peace with it.

    I used to be very busy all my life; thus i spent most of my times outside with outsiders such as colleagues, clients, friends etc... With very little time at home, I always messed up with so much i could not do.

    But now, I enjoy the luxury of the time which i never had in the past.
    I compartmentalize what i have & what i want everyday.
    Planning do wonders, even if that is done for a simple cooking.

    Before i go to bed each night, I would plan for the next day.
    Its like, what time to wake up, what to cook, what to do specially for that day, where to go, whom to speak to etc..etc...
    I enjoy in whatever i do and never expect other person's appreciation or likings.

    For instance, I recently started a motivational FB page for women.
    When i talked about it, my H & mom said it is rubbish. They said only those who have no job will participate in that page.
    But i didn't care, because i loved what i did.
    I went on to post things that satisfied myself. For about 2-3 months, that page had only 500 likes, that too from my FB circle alone.

    One night, I posted something relevant to gender based violence in connection to a recent rape case and slept. The next morning when i logged in, I was amazed to see that particular post had been shared for 1.5k times, with Millon's of likes etc...
    Since then, there was no looking back... My page became very popular in the country.

    As advised by my colleagues, I registered a private consultancy firm in the same name as my FB page, and made it as a registered businesses.
    Since then, I've been getting funds to do consulting services on gender & women related analysis & reporting.

    As you all know, I've been struggling to balance my career & family since a decade since work pressure. But now, I have gained enough confidence to leave my job & pursue my private consultancy from home for both money & professional growth. It gives me lots of satisfaction.

    Had i placed weight on the comments of my H or mom back then, I would have been still worrying for not being able to speak my heart out with them.
    But now... I am speaking to all...

    Relax... If your H doesn't listen to you, take it easy.
    Instead grow yourself to be in a position, so that your H would come to you & listen no matter what.

    Take this time for self growth. No matter what. Even if that means dieting, physical training, facial/beauty care, yoga- meditation or a course to learn/new language or whatever.
    Follow that with passion... Show your achievement and simply don't turn back.
    Your family & everyone will notice the positive improvement in you & come back.

    No one wants a dull, fragile, emotional person's company these days. But if you convert yourself to be attractive, passionate, positive & successful, everyone will come to you.. That's natural.

    Just chill....
     
  7. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    I am sure almost everyone face this problem in one way or another. One person cannot satisfy all your needs and no one is perfect. I have not read all replies. But just scanned through it. Their points on self love is very relevant.

    "My kid and my husband are only real people in my daily life now. I spend most of the time with my kid only. I dont get any free time to do things I like"
    This is the core issue. Your universe is your dh and kid. You think its their responsibility to make you happy. NO. You need to have your own life. Your life is your responsibility. Your happiness is your responsibility. When you dont do your part and depend on others, they find it a burden and they will take you for granted.
    I also disagree with you that you dont have time for other things. Its just a lame excuse to satisfy you. Every one in the world has only 24h per day. Its about priorities and planning. Schedule your life. There are so many videos in youtube and posts here on how you can do that . Most of the ilites are very busy women, still they found time to reply to you. If they can do it, you can find time for yourself.

    Find time for your life- explore job options, hobbies you like, make friends circle, self care (grooming / taking care of your health & beauty), relaxation ( yoga,meditation, music, movies,books..etc). Have your own friends circle so that you can vent to them. It all needs time and effort . Its not free. So start with me time everyday day.

    1. If your husband is a mean person and dont care about your emotions or anything even if you do everything for him ,then,
    go for self love, emotionally detach , ignore him and explore options on how to live your life to the fullest. I think the posts above are guide to those. Try to be your best, focus on your happiness and be the positive person you can and others like to be with. I am sure your dh will notice it. Even if nothing happens, you will be happy. This won't fix your marriage life, but can help you to evolve as an independent and strong person.

    2. If your husband is a good person and if these changes are recent, you have to introspect. Are you treating him like a partner/ lover ( many turn to a mother and that kills the attractiveness). Do you satisfy his emotional and physical needs. Do you spend enough time together. Do you take any initiative in that departments. Many men are simple creatures, once they are happy in that aspect, they will listen to you more, else they can be grumpy...if this is the case, avoid negative talks, give him space / own your own space, dont complain for the time being, dont take everything to your heart and take small steps to be a good companion again. When a partner expects too much its a burden on the other. Too much expectations can kill happiness. Bring positivity to your life and he will notice that for sure.

    Do your duty, be the best and I think, rest will take care of itself. Whatever it may be, your life is in your hands, you need to work towards making it the best. You can't control others, but you can control you . It also includes standing up for yourself if needed.
    In my experience, whether its personal or professional life, taking care of the present by doing your best given the circumstances, ensure a bright future.

    Cool down and take control of your life to your hands instead of giving the control to your husband.

    Read this post:Golden Rules for every woman
     
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2021
    Rihana, SCA, Chocolatey and 3 others like this.
  8. abc00

    abc00 Gold IL'ite

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    @Chocolatey

    Many ladies have given wonderful suggestions. I would like to add my perspective too here.

    I have seen that, in general, we women want to have perfection in and around us - only then we tend to feel happy from within. Imperfection could stem from the silliest or the most serious things around us. For eg - when kitchen appliances stop working, sink gets clogged , squeaky doors , unfolded laundry etc etc Even these could trigger big theories like - what I'm I doing in my life - or we tend to be unhappy with people around us - this is also a passive way of showing our unhappiness. This can be worse during PMS days.

    So try to cultivate a general forgiving, easy going attitude towards yourself and your immediate family. Focus on staying happy just day by day. Try this for a week atleast. See what worked for you in these days.

    These are other things which help me so you can try -

    1. Watching youtube or having my bluetooth earpods on and listen to music or favorite talk shows. I listen to Jaggi Vasudev - Isha foundation Sadhguru and changed my life's perspective to a great extent.

    2. Changed my general attitude towards myself - more easy going and not holding on to any past - so less baggage more comfort !

    3, I'm not a gardening person. I focus on engineering myself from within.

    4. I'm following minimalism as much as I can. I declutter like crazy. Less is more now. Less clothes in laundry means less folding, less furniture means less dusting, less utensils means quick cleaning - so think what works for me. These are so important which adds up to bigger things.

    5. I have the pedometer on in my phone and go for walks. It improves my confidence. I dont depend on others for my happiness.

    6. I follow a good eating routine - cook greens regularly - watch your eating patterns - change if needed.

    7. Don't be over-ambitious to change anything or others. Remember that others can change if they want - not because you want.

    8. My cousin helped me with this simple tip - not to be idle/negative in my mind even for a fraction of a second. Your mind is at work even when you are silent. Address that inner chatter. Maneuver your thoughts in a positive way. For eg- if you see a kid playing legos and breaking it every time after building it, as a general observation you would guide the kid not to do it. Apply this simple rule - when your mind is saying - will I be able to be happy ? change this immediately to - I will try to be happy - then this should change to yes I can be happy and then finally an affirmative yes I'm happy.

    Try these and document your results so we all can know it worked for you. Good luck !
     
    SCA, Chocolatey, amulya2020 and 2 others like this.
  9. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    Neat and crisp.:beer-toast1:
     
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2021
  10. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    You are letting your husband's indifference make you sad. You are giving away the power to be happy to him. You rely on his mercy which clearly he isnt bothered to give.

    Many OPs gave self love posts. Like it or not, they seem to be cliche but that is all that works. Also talking to people who actually seem to listen to you. Your family in India to aquintances who are nice and strangers who are kind enuf to get into a quick chat. Sticking to one person who wont give a hoot isnt helping.

    Additionally harnessing a positive attitute. Be stubborn about NOT to get riled on your husband immature/egoistic actions. His ego-his problem; although he is trying left right centre to make it yours. One you allow it in ; it will be yours.

    Good luck darls :thumbsup:
     
    Chocolatey likes this.

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